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Things you'll never hear ...

written by Angela Bigos

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Published: 1997 | Size: 3 KB (525 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 3.0/5 3.0/5 (17 votes)

based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

Things you'll never, *ever* hear from our cast:

1) Brian: "Angela! Put your dress back on and unlock your heels from behind your ears! I'm shocked and more than just a little disappointed in you missy! And putting your tongue *there* isn't going to help one bit so please just quit it!"

2) Graham: "What do I want for dinner? I don't know, slap a couple slices of bologna between some cheap spongy white bread and crack open a fresh packet of Kool Ade-hey, do we have any barbecued pork rinds left over?"

3) Patty: "Oooh, Jordan! It's been such a loooong time since I had occasion to prove that I am indeed, double jointed!"

4) Jordan: "Listen Angela, you're like, a great girl and everything but I'd really like, prefer to get to *really* know you before taking our relationship to a more intimate level. Six months should do it."

5) Rayanne: "Oh yes, I left the Carmelite order because they just weren't strict enough for me."

6) Uncle Neal: "No! It's true! Really! Since taking my vow of celibacy I haven't banged any cocktail waitresses for 36 hours! I'm not counting those two tawny Jamaican counter girls at Baskin Robbins of course 'cause they weren't actually *ridin'* the baloney pony and nobody *I* know would even *consider* that what they were doing with my double dip banana cone was actually, like, *sex* or anything..."

7) Camille: "Oooh, baby Camille has been *sooooo* naughty and thinks that she needs a good, long, hard spanking!"

8) Sharon: "Well sure Kyle! Why else was I put on this earth except to gratify your every sexual desire from morning to night?"

9) Ricky: "So I says to this chick, baby, they don't call me the lowrider 'cause of the car I drive!"

10) Angela's Grandma: "Sex? At my age? No thanks, I'd rather rinse my hair blue and sit around crankin' out doilies. More cocoa anyone?"

11) Danielle: "You Crakow? I wouldn't date you if doing so was critical to the re-population program following a cataclysmic nuclear disaster."

12) Angela: "Look mister, I ain't got all night, half and half is 20 bucks, take it or leave it, I got a crack habit to support."

13) Tino: "And after we distribute baskets of food to the needy let's all join hands and sing Christmas carols!"

14) Mr. K.: "Oooh baby (to Ms K), those horn rimmed glasses bring out the horny little devil in me!"

15) Ms K.: "Oh! Yes! Yes! Do it to me Graham Cracker! Give me all your of your long handled stainless steel two cup ladle! Oh yes, yes, yes! Let me make the bernaise sauce run like a river! Faster! Faster! Give me all your hot buttered croissant you big hunk of pulsating Coq au Vin!"

16) Hallie: "I've been told many times that I've far too shy for my own good and *really* need to assert myself more."

What was everyone doing on midnight on Friday ? by Angela Bigos
Published: 1997 | Size: 4 KB (801 words) | Language: english

english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 2.8/5 2.8/5 (27 votes)

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Average: 3.0/5 3.0/5 (17 votes)

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“Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas.”
Danielle Chase, Episode 15: "So-Called Angels"