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The Character's Favorites: Sandwiches

written by Angela Bigos

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Published: 1997 | Size: 5 KB (826 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 4.2/5   4.2/5 (6 votes)

based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

Hmmm...what is everyone's favorite sandwich?

1) Patty: Thin sliced dry white toast with a paper thin slice of extra firm tofu topped with a single lettuce leaf and 12 sprouts. When she has PMS? Two thick slices of poundcake spread with chunky peanut butter, marshmallows, and cold fudge sauce.

2) Graham: Medium rare roast beef (marinated in a garlic and rosemary dry rub prior to roasting), thinly sliced Provolone, marinated olive salad, and Beefsteak tomatoes from his garden on a fresh whole wheat baquette.

3) Tino: Canned sardines sprinkled with a dash of Peyote mushroom powder squashed between two warm strawberry Pop Tarts. Afterwards? A blunt and a capsule of Amyl-Nitrate.

3) Raeanne: Her favorite would be cold spaghetti on two slices of white bread but, as we all know, her mother isn't into cooking so she must make do with leftover Chinese fried shrimp layered between two pierogis.

4) Angela: Turkey Club with potato chips, pickles, and mayo on the side.

5) Rickey: Either a grilled Cuban sandwich or triple egg salad on white- he vacillates.

6) Danielle: Smooth peanut butter and strawberry jam on squishy white bread cut in four TRIANGLES, *never* squares followed by a carton of milk, an apple, and strawberry fruit roll-ups (she likes to wrap them on her fingertips and pretend she has long nails).

7) Brian: Let's see, sandwiches are difficult territory- erection wise- for poor Brian. Anything in the frankfurter category is out. Ditto for pita pockets brimming with mounds of warm moist filling. Fried clams? Nope. Nothing with the word "muffin" in it either. Sigh. Brian is better off sticking to his muscle building protein shakes.

8) Hallie Lowenthal: She's a Jewish girl from Texas, remember? That means an extra lean corned beef, Russian dressing, and swiss on rye (in deli language that would be "Gimme a wet beef swiss rye"!). I'd tell you what the lingo was for tongue but I'm afraid Brian might be listening and we don't want to set him off now, do we? She'd probably finish off her sandwich with a Moon Pie (Brian!).

9) Uncle Neal: Fried slabs of Spam and a thick layer of Astroglide spread between the two waitresses he picked up while visiting the Windsor Casino on a gambling junket.

10) Ms. K.: Chicken salad, white bread, 3 Pamprin, and two Jolt colas.

11) Mr. K: When nobody is looking he loves the sandwich his German grandma used to make him- white bread spread with butter (or lard) and thickly sprinkled with sugar, washed down with a big mug of, what else? Black coffee. When anyone else *is* looking he goes for the lowfat stuffed tomato (Brian!) chicken salad plate with whole wheat crackers and diet Cream Soda.

12) Jordan: Naturally he'd go for #9 in a big way but since he doesn't have the cabbage, spundoleks, or mazuma to be able to afford such sleazy sybaritism so he sticks to bologna on white bread with yellow mustard.

13) Corey: His mom's famous Sloppy Joes on nice soft buns (BRIAN!) on the days when he goes home for lunch. On school lunch days he loves his mother's tuna salad on soft white bread.

Corey's Mother's Sloppy Joes
1 pound of either ground cow, ground cluck, or soy "meat" (the ready to use kind or TVP which is best if you reconstitute with dry onion soup mix- tastes less arf-arf)
1 large onion- finely chopped
1 can Campbell's Cream of Tomato Soup- undiluted
salt and pepper
Cook the meat and onions together until the onions are very soft. Chop the meat up fine. Drain well (drain AND rinse in a colander if it's moo), add the soup and seasonings, and simmer for about 20 minutes. Serve on nice soft buns with buttered corn (Corey's mom would) and a Nice Tossed Salad. Makes 8.

14) Sharon: (She only eats this when she isn't feeling fat which isn't very often) A Monte Cristo (two slices of white bread with thin slices of ham or turkey ham, any kind of mild yellow cheese, clapped together, dipped in beaten eggs and cooked in a little bit of butter- like French Toast- until golden and the cheese is melted. You dip these in strawberry jam which sounds horrid but is actually wonderful).

15) Kyle: Slices of Skippy Dog Dinner (his mom keeps it chilled in it's cylindrical shape and has convinced Kyle that it's meatloaf) with ketchup on two bread heels.

16) Camille: Rare hamburger patty with jalapeno cheese and red onion slices on a toasted English muffin.

17) Angela's Grandma: Now that she's left Angela's grandfather she feels free to enjoy this delicacy: A really moist French dip eaten in bed with Lyle, her 23 year old UPS man. When in the company of Patty, Danielle, and Angela, she only eats cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off and daintily sips bone china cups of Earl Grey tea.

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Dreams by Angela Bigos
Published: 1997 | Size: 3 KB (588 words) | Language: english english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 2.8/5   2.8/5 (13 votes)

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