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The Third Day Of Christmas (Rayanne)

written by Shannon Bryan

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Published: 1997 | Size: 6 KB (1143 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13

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based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

On the Third Day of Christmas, we are pleased to hear from Ms. Rayanne Marie Graf.

So, I'm supposed to write about Christmas.  Like what it means to me or something.  Like an essay question.  And I don't even do my *real* homework.

Anyway, Amber and me--she's my Mom, by the way--don't really make that big of a deal about Christmas.  She says it's become too commercial.  And she's really busy.  And we like to wait for the sales anyway.

The thing I hate most about Christmas is the droning carols that they play in all the stores.  And how everyone smiles at you for *no* reason.  Like the time of year itself is supposed to make you happy.  Yeah, right.  That happens.

The thing I like most about Christmas is the manger scenes all the people put on their lawns throughout Three Rivers.  Like in Angela's neighborhood.  They all decorate like it's a competition or something.  So, anyway, last year Tino and some other guys and me went around to all the manger scenes late at night.  We were planning on stealing all the Baby Jesus' and holding them for ransom.  Or piling them at the base of this weird Johnny Appleseed statute they have downtown, like as an offering or something.  Adults get so worried about satanic cults. 

Little did we know that most of those little suckers are glued or nailed down in the manger.  So that was a no go.  Instead we ripped off other characters, put the wise men in compromising positions with the livestock, or replaced Mary with a wise man to make the happy couple into Joseph and Mark.  At least *that* would explain why it had to be a virgin birth

I do have one sort of funny memory about Christmas from back when my Dad still lived with us and we still celebrated it.  This was years ago though.  I was snooping around the house one afternoon, searching for presents that my parents had hidden.  Rickie and Jody were over, and Rickie was all horrified by my snooping, but Jody thought it was fun.  We finally found some stuff that my Dad had hidden in the back of his closet.  There was lots of stuff in the bag.  It was all too grown up to be for me.  So I was glad about that.  He and Amber fought a *lot* but I figured if he was spending this much money on her that everything would be okay.  There was a silk blouse, and some fancy perfume thing, and some other small stuff.  But the funny thing, the *best* thing was this little box from The Pleasure Center. 

It was a dildo.  Better than that, it was a "crystal" dildo.  The best part of all was that the box actually said, "Adds Elegance to Every Fuck!".  Jody and I were pissing our pants over that one.  I just pictured Amber holding it with her pinkies out, since it was so damn *elegant*.

Anyway, I stashed the stuff away, so we wouldn't get busted for snooping.  And I waited for Christmas to come.  I don't mind not being surprised about what I get, and I really don't mind already knowing what other people are going to get.  Because I sort of hate surprises.  So I figured even if Dad didn't give Amber all those presents in front of me, she'd still tell me later.  She has this whole "be open about your body and your sex-life with your kid" thing going.  Supposedly to make me less afraid about trying it myself.  *That* worked better than she ever intended.  So I figured that she'd tell me about her new toy later, after we ooh-ed and aah-ed about the other gifts.

But on Christmas, not only did he not give her the dildo in front of me, he also didn't give her the blouse or the perfume or anything else in that bag.  He gave her a new nightgown and like, a blender or something.  And I *was* surprised.  And also reminded about why I hate surprises so much.  So, I guess he had a real good reason to hide that stuff so well after all.  I never knew for sure who he gave them to.  Could have been any one in his endless line.  But he left before the next Christmas.  So, maybe it was that last one.

I don't think I ever told Rickie or Jody about those presents not being for Amber.  And I sure as hell never told Amber.  Or him.  Because that would require talking to him.  And I don't.  Much.

So ever since then, I've tried to find somewhere to be on Christmas.  Somewhere *else*.  Something to keep me busy.  Like raiding the mangers of the hopeless yuppies.  Or helping Cherski with the teen help line thingie.  That was actually pretty good.  I didn't take that many calls.  But it was okay.  One call I had really sort of helped.  From Brian Krakow. 

*Not* that I can stand Brian Krakow, because I can't.  If he was bleeding heavily from the neck, I would still push him out of the way for food.  No question.  But when he called he just sounded so lonely.  And I could relate to that a little.  To realize that he and I could share that, kind of meant something.

Because sometimes it seems like Angela and I come from different worlds.  Where I could never *be* like her.  But Sharon and Brian are part of her world too.  And there I was having fun with Cherski, and like *bonding* with Krakow over loneliness.  And his sexual frustration, of course.

  And that was a good gift, sort of.  That feeling you get when you realize that maybe everyone else isn't different from you.  That maybe I was *already* like Angela.  And like everybody else, too.  In some ways.  In the important ways.

So yeah.  That was a good gift.  Way better than a crystal dildo.

  And I didn't even have to wait for the sales.

Okay everybody, sing along!
That's right, even you guys sitting in the back!

(music = ON)

On the third day of Christmas Rayanne Graf gave to me...
...three yummy lollies.

two free Dead tickets,
and one out of state fake ID.

Scheduled next is a little digression from Danielle. See you then!

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The Fourth Day Of Christmas (Danielle) by Shannon Bryan and E.R. Holdridge (Shobi)
Published: 1997 | Size: 6 KB (1140 words) | Language: english english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 3.1/5   3.1/5 (8 votes)

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“Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas.”

Danielle Chase, Episode 15: "So-Called Angels"