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The First Day Of Christmas (Intro)

written by Shannon Bryan

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Published: 1997 | Size: 6 KB (1100 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 2.8/5   2.8/5 (12 votes)

based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

A recent meeting between Shannon and Shobi went something like this.

SHANNON: (poke, poke)  Hey, you.  We haven’t written anything for the list in awhile.

SHOBI:  (glaring)  Umm.  I’m like *off* the list for the moment.

SHANNON:  Actually, you’re not.  I resubbed you.  Merry Christmas!

SHOBI:  Fine.  So what do you want to talk about?  Our thoughts on what Graham, Patty, & Hallie were feeling?  That was up next right?

SHANNON:  I think we should put that on hold.  I think we should do something for Christmas.

SHOBI:  (scowling)   I don’t believe in God.  I *do* believe in adultery though.  Besides, you *know* I don’t celebrate Christmas.

SHANNON:  Maybe lots of people don’t.  There are other seasonal holidays too.  (pause)  Think of this as a Winter Solstice thing.  (under her breath)  Or whatever is secular enough for you to stomach.  (brightly)  Besides, even if you don’t buy into Christmas yourself, you’re still a good enough writer to capture the season for the characters.  Right?

SHOBI:  (snorting)  Flattery doesn’t really work on the self-obsessed.  Try again.

SHANNON:  Okay, how about that it’s a way for us to give something back to the list.

SHOBI:  And what did I get from the list exactly?

SHANNON:  (smiling)  Silly! You met me!

SHOBI:  (rolling his eyes)  That and a dollar will get me a candy bar.

SHANNON:  Jeez. What a scrooge. Knowing me is worth two candy bars, at least. And possibly a candy cane. (pause) Okay, look at it this way, we’ll get to write together again, *and* it will help feed your overweening ego.

SHOBI:  (sighing)  You’re not going to stop bugging me until I say yes, are you?

SHANNON:  Probably not, no.  I’m like Katimski, I’ll just wear you down.

SHOBI:  Fine.  So what should we do?

SHANNON:  I say we go around to the characters and get them to write about the holidays.  Favorite memories, what it means to them, and all that.

SHOBI:  (perking up)  Can we ask Hallie Lowenthal, too?

SHANNON:  I suppose.  But we’ll visit her *together*.  That way if you’re drooling too blatantly, I can mop it up and apologize. (under her breath)  Home-wrecking witch!

SHOBI:  Fine.  That’s fair.  (bitchy)  I’ll hold *your* drool-cup when we visit Krakow, then.  (under his breath)  Skinny, mop-headed, little freak!

SHANNON:  Good.  It’s settled.  We can do it like an advent calendar!  One message every day. (under her breath) Go ahead and make fun of Brian, jerk. Hmm. Wonder what the proper gift wrap for coal is.

SHOBI:  Not enough characters.  Besides, the list will OD on us after the third day.  And we’re long-winded, but we’re not *that* long-winded.  (smirk) By the way, I like coal.

SHANNON:  Fine. Terrific. (sighs) Then what about the Twelve So-Called Days of Christmas?  That’s like every other day until Christmas eve.  That could work.  Nine main characters. . .

SHOBI:  Plus Hallie.  We can’t forget Hallie.

SHANNON:  Fine.  That makes ten.  With an intro and some Christmas thoughts from us the last day, that makes twelve.

SHOBI:  Okay.  But only if I can do one of my patented diatribes somewhere in there.

SHANNON:  I dunno.  You do tend to offend.

SHOBI:  It’s a deal-breaker, though.  Let me blather and rant or Shobi walks.

SHANNON:  Okay, you can have a mini-rant if necessary.  But only if we get to do a fun MSCL version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” song.  We can reveal one verse each day!

SHOBI:  (covering face with hands)  Ugh.  Not singing, I beg you.

SHANNON: But you love to sing.

SHOBI:  Mostly only because it annoys others.  Some people actually give me money to stop. Besides, with your helium-esque voice, every time you sing it sounds like a test of the emergency broadcast system. 

SHANNON:  (growly)  Shut up! We’re doing the song thing.  Or I circulate that picture of you dressed as the Pope doing obscene things with a turkey baster.

SHOBI:  So?  I love that picture.  Maybe I’ll use *that* as my Winter Solstice card.

SHANNON:  Okay, fine.  I’ll be forced to post the picture of you in drag.

SHOBI:  You wouldn’t.

SHANNON:  Try me. (frowns) Even though I don’t really like that picture.

SHOBI:  Admit the truth.  The *only* reason you don’t like that picture is that it makes you sad because I have bigger breasts than you do. (pause)  Besides, I thought you said I looked divine.

SHANNON:  Not quite, Smart Guy. I said you looked *like* Divine.  Big difference.

SHOBI:  Oh.  Okay.  The Twelve Days of Christmas, huh?  I’ll start.

Shobi clears his throat and belts Ethel Merman style. . .

SHOBI:  “On the first day of Christmas, Delia Fisher gave to me . . . .an erection from actual physical contact--”

Shannon grabs Shobi by the throat and slaps him around with a trout.

SHANNON:  Right idea.  Wrong line.  By a *lot*.  Below you’ll find the actual first line.  And look for Shannon and Shobi’s Second Day of Christmas in a couple days.  First up will be some thoughts from Graham.

Okay everybody, sing along!
That's right, even you guys sitting in the back!

(music = ON)

On the first day of Christmas, my friend Tino gave to me out of state fake ID.

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The Second Day Of Christmas (Graham) by Shannon Bryan and E.R. Holdridge (Shobi)
Published: 1997 | Size: 4 KB (843 words) | Language: english english | Rating: PG-13
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Read this story now: The Second Day Of Christmas (Graham)

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Average: 2.8/5   2.8/5 (12 votes)
  • liz commented on 22 Jun 2003:
    Finish it!

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“Do we have to keep talking about religion? It's Christmas.”

Danielle Chase, Episode 15: "So-Called Angels"