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Romeo and like, that Weird Girl Juliet

written by Lark Wadsworth

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About this story

Published: 1997 | Size: 12 KB (2115 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 3.9/5   3.9/5 (18 votes)

based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

Here's something I was working on some time ago, to do with Baz Luhrman's "Romeo and Juliet" movie and how it might have been if us "My So-Called Life" fans had gotten our hands on the script....or at the least, on the castlist and the prologue....


***DRAMATIS PERSONAE. OR WHATEVER.

ESCALUS
Prince of Verona. (played by so-called listie Carolyn's dog, PRINCE:)
PARIS
A young doberman, kinsman to the prince.
MONTAGUE
(Used to knock Romeo around, until Romeo came after him with a chair)
Heads of two houses at variance with each other
(they're feuding because only one of them has a basement!)
CAPULET
(Likes spicy mustard)
An old man, cousin to Capulet.
(Second Capulet: Played by Neal)
ROMEO
Son to Montague. (Because Montague is his dad, so....that's how I know)
MERCUTIO
Kinsman to the prince, and friend to Romeo.
(Bears a striking resemblance to Shane)
BETWEENVOLIO
Nephew to Montague, and friend to Romeo.
TYBALT
aka LETSBOLT. Nephew to Lady Capulet (hates Romeo 'cause he's always....leaning against Capulet stuff).
FRIAR LAURENCE
Two completely different Franciscans. Played by Enrique and Ricardo.
FRIAR JOHN
BALTHASAR
Servant to Romeo.
SAMPSON
Servants to Capulet; also played by Enrique and Ricardo.
GREGORY
PETER
Servant to Juliet's nurse
ABRAHAM
Servant to Montague
An Apothecary
(Played by the guy that procured the pharmaceuticals for Rayanne's party)
Three Musicians (Frozen Embryos)
(First Musician: Played by Shane)
(Second Musician: Played by the drummer)
(Third Musician: Two words: Tino)
Page to Paris
(PAGE:) another Page; an officer. (Works days as a security guard at a local museum.)
LADY MONTAGUE
Wife to Montague. (She's like this 40-year-old girl!)
LADY CAPULET
Wife to Capulet (She's terribly concerned that she might have misplaced the romance in her marriage while she was busy emptying the kitty litter.)
JULIET
Daughter to Capulet (She's got this lovely red hair....but it's out of a bottle!)
Nurse to Juliet
(What a wimpette:-)
Citizens of Verona;
several Men and Women, relations to both houses;
Maskers, Guards, Watchmen,
and Attendants.
(Played by all the people at the PTA meeting)


SCENE


Verona: Mantua. A suburb of Pittsburgh....

PROLOGUE

Page's Banner:

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

Angela's VOICEOVER translation:

See, there were like, these two.....households?
In, well, sort of near Three Rivers, in a place called Verona,
Which I guess is where this story happens.
Only they were kind of, you know, mad at each other?
I'm not really sure why.

Sharon VOICEOVER:

Oh please, that is, like, so known.

Angela VOICEOVER:

But, so they were trying to tear each other down. Like girls do sometimes, when they feel jealous about what the other one has got. Or whatever.

Rickie VOICEOVER:

I know exactly what you mean.

Angela VOICEOVER:

And it had nothing to do with Jordan Catalano. It was just this....thing....between the Montagues and the Capulets. And it had been there, ever since the night Juliet's mom took that Montague girl to the hospital--

Patty VOICEOVER:

That rude girl?

Angela VOICEOVER:

She wasn't rude!

Patty VOICEOVER:

Well--she devoured Lady Capulet's cheese. Lady Capulet had a whole brick of cheese and she devoured it!

Angela VOICEOVER:

Mom, you couldn't possibly understand about the cheese. But anyway--what was I saying? Oh. Afterward....it was like, they couldn't handle the truth of it. I mean, the Montagues and the Capulets. Or whatever.

Jordan VOICEOVER:

Well. Yeah. I mean, it, like, it had caused some kind of ancient grudge, or, or, or, or, or, whatever. Like that guy that went bug. Or maybe the Montagues just had an unconscious wish. You've heard of those, right?

Page's Banner:

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.

Angela VOICEOVER:

And when you stop to think about sex, how people can just have it, like a rash, or a rottweiler, I guess it's not too surprising that Romeo and Juliet fell in love. I always thought I'd fall in love nursing a blind soldier. Juliet fell in love nursing her enemy.

Sharon VOICEOVER:

Like I'm so sure. Earth to Angela. She fell in love with him at the World Happiness Masquerade Dance, don't you remember? Right after Romeo took off his mask and said, "Whatever happens, happens".

Jordan VOICEOVER:

Ironic.

Angela VOICEOVER:

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Brian VOICEOVER:

Oh yeah? Just wait until it happens to you.

Angela VOICEOVER:

But wait--so, you mean they had, like, intercourse?

Sharon VOICEOVER:

Like, constantly!

Rayanne VOICEOVER:

See, Bri! Just do like Romeo and maybe you'll get lucky, too--Not!

Jordan VOICEOVER (to Brian):

Go for it, man. She wants you.

Angela VOICEOVER:

But...in my humble opinion, all that sex stuff. Well, it is a big deal. I mean, because sex made your whole life start, and if you think about life as like a circle or something, then sex and death are the same -- look, I'm not saying they're the same, I mean, I'm sure Juliet thought about having sex with Romeo--

Brian VOICEOVER:

She did???

Angela VOICEOVER:

Well, yeah. Boys don't have the monopoly on thinking about it, you know.

Brian VOICEOVER:

They don't???

Angela VOICEOVER:

No! Ah, quit it, Krakow! I'm trying to get through the Prologue here and you're just analyzing everything to death!

Brian VOICEOVER:

Like I'm devastated.

Angela VOICEOVER:

Like I am. But, I mean, I'm sure Juliet thought about having sex with Romeo, but I doubt she ever seriously thought of killing him...Except, I guess, she kind of did.

Jordan VOICEOVER:

Ironic.

Rayanne VOICEOVER:

Watch out for those dead guys. They'll break your heart.

Angela VOICEOVER:

And then she killed herself, too. Because her life, whatever she'd been like with her friends or her teachers -- that was just over. You might say she committed suicide. But in this other way she didn't. She,like, stopped committing suicide. She was free.

Page's Banner:

The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Rayanne VOICEOVER:

Cute Page, he's got a nice upper bod....I wonder if I should give him my phone number.

Angela VOICEOVER:

When someone dies young, it's like they stay that way forever, like a vampire.

Jordan VOICEOVER:

Wait. That Romeo and Juliet story. That's made up, right?


THE BALCONY SCENE

Romeo: I was goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere fast, drowning in my memories...Wait. What day is this? And what's that light in Juliet's window? Hmm. Wonder if she has any cold cuts....

A little later:

Juliet: Oh Romeo, Romeo, why art thou like this?

Romeo: Like what? (Nibbling on the cold cuts she has tossed down to him)

Juliet: Like how thou art!

Next story

Extra Credit Assignment by Lark Wadsworth
Published: 1997 | Size: 3 KB (595 words) | Language: english english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 3.1/5   3.1/5 (12 votes)

Read this story now: Extra Credit Assignment
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Rating Distribution:
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Average: 3.9/5   3.9/5 (18 votes)
  • RS commented on 13 Jul 2001:
    Cool. LOL! :-)
  • Chase March commented on 04 Mar 2004:
    This made me laugh out loud! Thanks, I needed that tonight. It has been a long day and I just needed a little distraction before I get back to work.
  • Tess, biggest fan ever!!! commented on 09 Feb 2005:
    HI,
    that was hillarious!!!i really liked that one it was great!!!
    i wrote "OH MY GOD!!!" in the fanfiction story thingamagigger!!!LOL!!!
  • CĂ©line commented on 21 Jul 2005:
    This was hilarious! Thanks for the good laugh! Great work!
  • Cowgurl gave this story a 5.0/5 5.0/5 rating and commented on 28 Feb 2009:
    I loved this... A literal Laugh Out Loud. :0D

    Thanks for sharing!
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“School is a battlefield for your heart.”

Angela Chase, Episode 1: "My So-Called Life (Pilot)"