Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

[Natasha (candygirl)]

People have been known to change, even for the better.

ITA - no one stays exactly the same forever, and lots of people are able to learn from their mistakes and become better for it. I just don't think that you can go into a relationship hoping/expecting that the other person will change. You have to accept your mate for who he or she is, not what they could be.

the next guy I dated could have been the female version of myself. and in the end, it didn't work. he was a sweetheart, but our time together was really boring. we had all the same interests and had travelled to all the same places. it was like dating myself. and why would I want to do that?

Ha, this totally reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry is dating Janeane Garofolo! I think that we are talking about extreme ends of the spectrum. I wouldn't want to date someone who is a carbon copy of myself, but I also wouldn't want to date someone who is my polar opposite. Luckily, there is a vast gray area in between.

[Megs]

My point is these are the types of guys most women are attracted to if they are dating and not trying to find a bf. I think part of it is the challenge that they are unavaliable.

Maybe when I was 19 or 20. But at my age? I would not be attracting to those men acting like jerks. Total turn-off.

I am so happy I am not in the dating world right now.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

I am so happy I am not in the dating world right now.

Hee, that totally reminds me of Carrie Fisher's character in When Harry Met Sally: "Please tell me I'll never have to be out there again!"

[Natasha (candygirl)]

Talk about timing - not only were we just talking about this last week, but the article was released just in time for Valentine's Day.

From yahoo news:

I Love You, You're Just Like Me

MONDAY, Feb. 14 (HealthDay News) -- It's highly likely that most couples are birds of a feather and that's why they decide to nest together, according to a University of Iowa study that puts the boot to that old saying that opposites attract.

The study found that people first of all tend to select romantic partners who have similar attitudes, religious beliefs and values. Over the long term, however, it's similarities in personality that appear to be the most important factor in a happy marriage, the researchers conclude.

The Iowa team studied a few hundred newlyweds who'd been married less than a year at the time of the study and had dated for an average of three and a half years. The couples were assessed on a wide range of personality characteristics, attitudes and relationship quality indicators.

Though it has long been a staple plot in Hollywood romantic comedies, the researchers found no evidence at all that opposites attract.

"People may be attracted to those who have similar attitudes, values and beliefs and even marry them -- at least in part -- on the basis of this similarity," the study authors write. Shared outlooks draw couples together because they are easy to spot and are "fundamental to the way people lead their lives," they add.

On the other hand, personality-related characteristics take much longer to recognize, but appear to play a more important role as the relationship goes on.

"Once people are in a committed relationship, it is primarily personality similarity that influences marital happiness," the researchers write, "because being in a committed relationship entails regular interaction and requires extensive coordination in dealing with tasks, issues and problems of daily living."

The study appears in the February issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

The article isn't available online yet, but the abstract is available at the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology website:

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Volume 88, Issue 2 , February 2005, Pages 304-326

Assortative Mating and Marital Quality in Newlyweds: A Couple-Centered Approach

Shanhong Luo and Eva C. Klohnen,
Department of Psychology, University of Iowa

Using a couple-centered approach, the authors examined assortative mating on a broad range of variables in a large (N = 291) sample of newlyweds. Couples showed substantial similarity on attitude-related domains but little on personality-related domains. Similarity was not due to social homogamy or convergence. The authors examined linear and curvilinear effects of spouse similarity on self and observer indicators of marital quality. Results show (a) positive associations between similarity and marital quality for personality-related domains but not for attitude-related domains, (b) that similarity on attachment characteristics were most strongly predictive of satisfaction, (c) robust curvilinear effects for husbands but not for wives, (d) that profile similarity remained a significant predictor of marital quality even when spouses' self-ratings were controlled, and (e) that profile-based similarity indices were better predictors of marital quality than absolute difference scores.

[grim4746]

I agree. There is something to be said for opposites attract but I don't think it's an attraction that many people have any desire to explore. It can get way too complicated. Myself I'm more attracted to those similar to me though someone more confident, even "in your face" is appealing, at first. But to be involved with someone who has vastly different political beliefs or dietary preferences would become a pain in the ass all too quickly.

[nkatsa]

I have read some interesting and conflicting reviews about what people thought the movie meant. The Happy Camp interprets the movie as a triumph of love - if you're meant to be together, you will be together no matter what. The Cynical Camp sees the movie as proof that people will make the same mistakes over and over. As much as I'd like to be in the Happy Camp, I'm afraid that I'm over in the Cynical Camp, mostly because I have seen people choose the wrong partners and relationships - it's a pattern of behavior that they refuse to break (although they are more than willing to complain about how their new boyfriend/girlfriend is such a jerk/bitch/meanie/spineless sap)

the lesson i actually took out of it might be something in between the happy camp and the cynical camp... it seemed to me with their "...okay." "Okay." at the end, they were acknowledging that everything could go terribly wrong all over again, but that the experience was worth taking the risk for. which i really like as a lesson... sure, everything could crumble before you and hearts can get broken, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't experience love just because you're afraid of what could happen in the future.

i thought of it as an interesting little twist on the "tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" adage. it's a lesson joel learned while his memories were being erased as well... in that heartbreaking moment where he asks if he can keep that one perfect memory. even though nothing had changed in his present life and him and clem were still broken up and he was deeply hurt, he still begged to keep that one memory, because ultimately it can be more powerful than all the pain that may have come later.

oooh my title's been promoted from "overlooked little sister!!" yay! hahaha!

and to add to the discussion about opposites attracting... if anyone's taken the meyers-briggs personality test, my psych professor administered it to us in school and told us that according to some studies, if i'm remembering correctly, it seems that personality opposites are very compatible in certain aspects. For example, the E (for extroverted) and I (for introverted) are very compatible because they balance each other out and help each other feel more comfortable in their own skin. I think the only opposite pairing that was quite incompatible was the N (intuitive) vs. the S (sensing), because it has to do with the way you see the world. N is more big picture, thinking of the future and the possibilities, S is you see what's right in front of you, very much existing in the now. It seems like the little things can be opposite and it just adds passion and excitement, but if the big things like the way you see the world are off, and your focuses are completely different, you can run into problems. I just thought that was a really interesting look into how opposites sometimes do and sometimes don't work... i'm sure there's more info on the myers-briggs personality type compatibility, but i'm just running off memory right now.

My boyfriend and I are complete opposites, I'm more shy and quiet, he's outgoing and stubborn, and we're into totally different things, but it's kinda cool cuz we open up new possibilities for each other. I'll learned to appreciate sports, and he's actually starting to find sensitive art films fascinating.