Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Discussion and questions about the FanFiction section of MSCL.com. You can also post excerpts of your unfinished stories here if you're looking for feedback or ideas.
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4alifetime
Liberty High Student
Posts: 115
Joined: Sep 25th 2007, 3:07 pm

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by 4alifetime » Sep 28th 2009, 12:34 am

Jody Barsch* wrote:Yea! I just read thetwo you posted and now see there's more to read! I love this instant ff gratification! I'm going to keep reading :)


Thanks Jody! Yeah, I just decided to put it all up, I've written through Chapter 9. Can't wait to hear your thoughts! :D
There's so many different ways to be connected to people.
There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to,
even though there's not even a word for it.
There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in
this way that other people can't, because they've seen you
change...

they've let you change.

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Jody Barsch*
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Posts: 1166
Joined: Jun 30th 2003, 1:30 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by Jody Barsch* » Sep 29th 2009, 1:40 am

Wow. I liked the almost moment between Graham and Rayanne (and the repetition of the women leaning against the wall is nice, but I don't know that Rayanne would actually cry over Graham, unless there's something else going on with her -- what is it she is about to tell Sharon?) I’m excited to see what Sharon's got up her sleeve.

No one loves Hallie Lowenthal more than I, but is she really the most beautiful, and is she the swoony, weak in the knees type, or does she feel it some other way/ I like the distinction that she sees Graham in details, and he sees her as a whole. I'm not entirely sure I know what it means, but I absolutely like the idea of it.

Is it too convenient that the new girlfriend is Hallie's niece and the new boyfriend is Katimpsky's son? (I do like that he has a son though. There has to be a good story there.)

How much is Angela interested in Brian -- would she have kissed him if Jordan were not there? I liked the description of Angela searching for the letter; that was nice. Is Brian in earnest when he suggests the writing of a letter, or is it a good-natured throwback to the past?

In your story how much has Angela's and Brian's social status changed? Would everyone there really care about the kissing/ I did like the way it was written though.

Why does Danielle have a key? I like the idea of her entering that scene, but I think we need a little more exposition.

I like your depiction of Jordan's girlfriend, the opening description, and her looks at Angela at the river are great. The discussion of the anniversary and the restaurant seem a little too something for a relationship of Jordan's ... maybe too girly? Too young? I don't know if that makes sense.

Predictably, I’m excited to see where the J & A story goes. I’m unclear on how much time they’ve spent together as friends. It says that Jordan, the girlfriend, Brian and Angela in the past spend part of their evenings together, but it seems like they talk much less than that.

As for the baby’s name, I was just thinking that maybe Jordan might call her something else, maybe her initial (it sounds like a name -- ‘Elle’), as I’m sure he wasn’t part of the naming and might not feel connected to it.

I’m excited for chapter 9 and to see these different pieces come together! (It’s cool that you’re around the forum the same time I was reading.) :D
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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stburr91
Liberty High Student
Posts: 122
Joined: May 18th 2006, 2:17 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by stburr91 » Nov 10th 2009, 4:52 pm

Wow Allison, I don't have time to check the forum in a while, and you go and write a few great chapters. I very rarely read many fanfics as I find them unfaithful to the original story, but I'm really enjoying yours. As Jody said, you've stayed very true to the core of who the characters are despite the storyline moving forward several years.

I wish I had more time to give feedback, but I just have to leave this for now.

I really like how your story is not only about Jordan and Angela, and that storylines for the other characters are in-depth, and not just filler. I think you're doing a great job on the dialogue, it all feels natural, and you've capture the way characters interacted in the show pretty well. It just seems real, and true to the original show (that's the best compliment I can give, and I don't think I've ever given it before).

I liked the Hallie and Graham argument about the bar, (it sort of reminds me of a scene I did with the two of them in one of my fanfics). I also liked the part where Hallie says, that she sees Graham in details, and he sees her as a whole. I think I get what you where saying here, and understand that a guy would not see all the details of a women like Hallie.

I liked Taylor, the way you wrote her, I can see why Jordan would be attracted to her, and her to him.

I really like how you wrote Danielle, a little more grown up, but still a pain in the neck in a little sister kind of way. I loved her dialogue with Rickie, good stuff.

So now it's my turn to ask you, when can we get more?

Keep up the good work, I think you're doing great.

Steve
What's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere. Like your life just figured out how to get good. Like, that second."

Tracey
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Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by Tracey » Apr 29th 2010, 6:39 pm

Anything new for this story? I want to know what happens next! (I want to see more of Danielle. Something I never thought i'd say when I first watched the show!)

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Jody Barsch*
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Joined: Jun 30th 2003, 1:30 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by Jody Barsch* » Nov 14th 2010, 1:32 pm

4ALifetime, still around? Any new chapters?
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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4alifetime
Liberty High Student
Posts: 115
Joined: Sep 25th 2007, 3:07 pm

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by 4alifetime » Feb 23rd 2011, 12:08 pm

Wow I re-read my story and I'm so embarrassed LOL I see some potential but mostly a ridiculous amount of flaws!! You guys are so nice to have read it and commented! Life has been insane and I have had no time to write anything! :( :( :(

Maybe I'll pick up where I left of if I can. And read some other FF's for inspiration.
There's so many different ways to be connected to people.
There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to,
even though there's not even a word for it.
There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in
this way that other people can't, because they've seen you
change...

they've let you change.

User avatar
stburr91
Liberty High Student
Posts: 122
Joined: May 18th 2006, 2:17 pm
Location: Pittsburgh, PA

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by stburr91 » Mar 5th 2011, 2:35 pm

Wow, it's been a long time since I've seen you post, I hope your life gets to be a little less insane so we can see where you go with your story. Anyway, it's nice to see you post again.
What's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere. Like your life just figured out how to get good. Like, that second."

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Jody Barsch*
Lifehead
Posts: 1166
Joined: Jun 30th 2003, 1:30 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Re: Honest Feedback and College Suggestions Needed!

Post by Jody Barsch* » Apr 3rd 2012, 1:53 pm

Any updates? :D
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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