New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

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Cami A.
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New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 8th 2008, 4:59 pm

Hey Guys,

So after reading ikilledkennyandjr's fanfic "A different kind of fanfic" about Rayanne and Sharon's romance, it inspired me to write my own fanfic about Rayanne...because she's such an awsome character and her POV is extremely interesting. Hope you like it. Plz give me feedback!!

-Cam

Currently Untitled (Between Names) Fanfic
Starring: Rayanne Graff
Pairings: Rayanne/Sharon
Rayanne/Brian
Rayanne/Rickie

Chapter 1: Fishnets and Friendship (incomplete)

I was standing in the girls’ bathroom with one leg propped up on the sink, shaving my legs so that I could change into these awesome fishnets I just bought with dad’s cash. Every year for my birthday he usually managed to scrape up a couple hundred and send it to me with a scrawled note I could barely read. So far I couldn’t think of anything else to spend the money on, besides beer, or some sort of brown liquor.
“s**t,” I cursed. I had just cut my knee with the razor.
“Do you have to, like, do that, here?” I nearly fell backwards as Cherski came out of nowhere. In the mirror I could see her standing with her arms crossed, an eyebrow raised, and a frown on her face. I failed to come up with a fitting comeback and since I was finished shaving, I ducked into a stall and put on the fabulous fishnets. When I came out of the stall, Cherski was still standing there.
“What?!” I barked.
“How are you so…?”
“Strange?” I offered an ending to her question, but I didn’t answer it. Then I fished around in my purse and caught a fistful of bills. I shoved what must’ve been 50 dollars into her hands and left the bathroom before she could react. I smiled inwardly. It felt good to get that money off my hands. It only reminded me of what a screwed up family I had. It was just me, Amber, my estranged father, and Rusty—Amber’s less than friendly and way less than attractive boyfriend. Neither Amber nor Rusty could really be classified as any sort of proper parental unit, and my dad could most definitely not be called a father.
That’s why I really only liked to be over at Angela’s house when her parents weren’t home yet. It was way to depressing to be in a two parent household where the dad is like this gourmet chef, and they eat at like, a dinning room table, together.
As I was leaving the bathroom, I ran into Krakow.
“Watch it!”
“Um…You, like, ran into me,” he stuttered.
“What’d you say?”
“Never mind,” he grumbled, “just never mind.”
As we walked in our separate directions, I turned to see that Brian was walking backwards totally in awe of my fabulous legs adorned with my jazzy new fishnets. When he realized I caught him checking me out, he turned around and pretended he’d never been gawking. Normally I lived for that sort of attention, but today I was feeling sort of empty, and my bag was too heavy with this ominous wad of cash from my daddy dearest. Just then, I got an idea. I knew just who to invest my money in!

To Be Continued...
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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ikilledkennyandjr
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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by ikilledkennyandjr » Mar 9th 2008, 12:30 am

Oh, this is awesome. Cherski! Krakow! Oh, the hilarity of it all! Is this going to turn into like, the weirdest love triangle in history? Or... what do you mean by pairings? I'm a bit confused as to where Rickie fits in?

Anyway, on to the specifics. I love that Rayanne is shaving in the bathroom, good tie-in to "Halloween"! Also serves as some sort of connection between Sharon and Brian. I could really picture Sharon's second line, all annoyed and curious. And giving that money away was such a Rayanne thing to do. I love her vulnerability and how she was always pining for a real family. It must've really saddened her to see Angela's family, and all these things she could never have. Maybe you should increase Brian's awkwardness, just a tad. He was always so flustered around her. Hilarious!

Keep writing! Who'll she give the money to? I'm glad my story inspired you in some way. Rayanne deserves more fanfic. She's just so classic.
"You know, the karma in this house is like ridiculous. It's really low... or dark... whatever it is that happens to karma."

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Cami A.
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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 12:44 am

Hey Kenny,

Thanks for commenting on my fanfic so far. I didn't mean romantic pairings, not definitely, just the main one-on-one relationships that are worked into the story. But hey they might become romantic in someway. This is an improvise as I go kinda thing.

Check out my next posting, I'm really not sure about the quality of the Dialog, is it characteristic of the characters?
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 12:49 am

Ok...so here's the next installment of my Fanfic. Feedback please!

Chapter 1 continued:

I found Angela and Rickie standing next to one another at the lockers, they were both leaning against the lockers closing their eyes as if mocking Catalano. I felt jealous for a moment, jealous that they looked so peaceful while my heart and head where pulsing with emptiness and uncertainty.
"Watcha guys doing?" I asked, now amused by the strange state in which I found them. They both flinched when I spoke.
"Praying," mumbled Rickie.
"Thinking," said Angela softly, her thoughts still wandering. She hadn't opened her eyes yet so I figured she must be in a Jordan-related trance. Besides, it was Rickie I needed to talk to.
"Rickie! Buddy, I have an idea." I grinned.
"Oh no! When she gets excited about things it's dangerous!" he whispered to Angela who opened her eyes and looked at me curiously, wondering what my brilliant idea might be.
"No, you'll like this idea Rickie. You will. I'm gonna give you all this money so you can start saving to get out of your freaking uncle's house.
"Rayanne, I, don't. I can't take your money. Your dad gave that to you." He pushed the roll of bills back at me.
"Just take it Vasquez, I know it won't really help much, but you can like save it for like to help you when you need it or whatever." Rickie hated pity, and he like had an allergic reaction to people trying to help him. It didn't help that Angela was flashing him these puppy eyes and squeezing his shoulder in an attempt to persuade him that he should take the money. This good deed was not going unpunished, now I was just feeling bad for making Rickie feel awkward.
In order to lift the tension and lighten the mood I said,
"Vasquez, take the money or die!"
"I'll die then," he shouted. As I lunged for him, he ran giggling down the hallway. I chased after him, Angela at my heel. It felt good to smile.
Last edited by Cami A. on Mar 9th 2008, 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by ikilledkennyandjr » Mar 9th 2008, 1:43 am

Oh okay, good they're not romantic pairings. I was all, "Rayanne/Rickie? Wait... what?"

Just some quick things.

"...they were both leaning against the lockers closing their eyes as if mocking Catalano." BEST LINE EVER. "Vasquez, take the money or die!" SECOND BEST LINE EVER. Awww Rickie. He did hate pity. I dig the banter between the Three Musketeers. So fun. They were always "having a time". And I'm glad she tried to give the money to Rickie. Although some part of me yearned for her to use it on Brian and like, give him a makeover or something. Book him a course on how to talk to women. Seriously. Oh, and bear in mind the golden rule: show, don't tell.

Looks like a great story. I'm curious as to how it'll turn out. Will Rickie stop being way too selfless? Will Brian stop being so awkward? Will Sharon stop being a stick-in-the-mud? Also, is this set a few days before the OD? That could be very interesting. What if it never happened?

Edit: I love the dialogue. It's fun and true to the characters. I don't see much problem, except for Brian's lines, maybe.
"You know, the karma in this house is like ridiculous. It's really low... or dark... whatever it is that happens to karma."

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Cami A.
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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 2:07 am

Thanks for the feedback.
Ok, good to know that you think the dialogue is natural between Rickie, Rayanne, and Angela. I'll work on Krakow. I was thinking about her using the money to help Rickie get some action, but then decided against it. I love the Krakow idea too...that's hilarious--SHOW dont tell. I love that scene in Halloween where she teases Brian...but I think i'll keep the current plot.

Yes, this is set before the OD, and I'm not sure if I'll make the OD happen or not.
It depends how much I want to make Rayanne develop, and how soon...what do you think?

Cam
Last edited by Cami A. on Mar 9th 2008, 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 3:24 am

ok i altered the Krakow part very slightly, i bolded the changes. Does this make it more authentic to his character?

As I was leaving the bathroom, I ran into Krakow.
“Watch it!”
“Um…You, like, ran into me,” he stuttered.
“What’d you say?”
He looked down at the ground, like a scared puppy, or some sort of pitiful creature.
“Well, I just said that. You know I…
Never mind,” he grumbled, “just never mind.”
As we walked in our separate directions, I turned to see that Brian was walking backwards totally in awe of my fabulous legs adorned with my jazzy new fishnets. When he realized I caught him checking me out, he turned around and pretended he’d never been gawking, but not before I saw his face flush bright pink from embarrassment. Normally I lived for that sort of attention, but today I was feeling sort of empty, and my bag was too heavy with this ominous wad of cash from my daddy dearest. Just then, I got an idea. I knew just who to invest my money in!
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Cami A.
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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 3:41 am

Last part of Chapter 1, Feedback Please! Thanks in advance.

Chapter 1: Fishnets and Friendship Continued (and finished):

Vasquez sure could run. I stopped suddenly at the bottom of the stairs to catch my breath. Angela couldn't quite break fast enough and knocked me to the ground, then collapsed beside me. We lay on the cement in front of the school for a good five minutes laughing. When we were finally able to stop, Angela started hiccuping and the laughter started all over again. Rickie wandered over to us and lay down between me and Angela.
"I'm not taking the money." He said after a minute or so.
"Fine," I gave up trying to persuade him for the time being, because the moment was too perfect to ruin, and at least temporarily my emptiness had been filled. Surprisingly, friends can fill a void better than anything, even better than a new pair of fishnet stockings.

END CHAPTER
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 6:26 am

first part of chapter 2. Feedback plz. thanks!

CHAPTER 2: LIKE, AN ALIEN ENCOUNTER OR SOMETHING

Amber was still at work, when someone knocked on my apartment door. When I opened the door Sharon Cherski was standing there looking thoroughly stiff.
"Cherski, what brings you by?" I asked as if it were no surprise for me to see her there.
"I came to bring back your money. And to see if you are alright…" I almost didn't hear the last few words because she nearly whispered them.
"Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Well you just dumped a whole bunch of cash on me, for like no reason."
"I guess that was a pretty wacky thing to do. Give it back then," I said bitterly. I had tried so hard to get rid of that stupid cash and failed. Oh well, at the end of the day, it didn't matter really because with or without the cash, It wouldn't change what a lowlife dad was. Cherski pushed the cash back into my open palm. I counted the bills and then smirked at her. "Are you sure it's all here?"
"You know, you really disgust me!" she sneered and started to walk away.
"Wait! So you like looked me up or something? Just to give back this FREE money?"
"Yea. So?" She whirled around, getting impatient.
"Nothing, Cherski. I just think maybe I should be the one asking if you are alright," I jested. But she didn't smile. When did she ever smile?
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by ikilledkennyandjr » Mar 9th 2008, 7:23 pm

Okay!

Revised version of Krakow: It's better. I was more saying, when you put "he stuttered", it doesn't really sound like stuttering. One thing I would change: "but not before I saw his face flush bright pink from embarrassment." You don't need to say it's from embarrassment. You've already shown he's embarrassed. But I like it. Poor, girl-obsessed Brian!

Vasquez and Chase: Awww. Now that is true friendship right there. There's nothing better than a good laugh.

Cherski: PERFECT. You nailed the dynamic. I really loved: " 'And to see if you are alright…' I almost didn't hear the last few words because she nearly whispered them." It's so slight, but says so much. Reminds me of the look on Sharon's face in "Other People's Mothers", when Rayanne was drinking in the parking lot. Getting back to the story, I like the "Wait!". I don't know why. It's like she's trying to figure Sharon out. Okay, okay... I'll stop gushing... really. Oh:

"Are you sure it's all here?"
"You know, you really disgust me!"

Hee! So perfect.

Graff's OD: I dunno. It's an interesting concept, the what-if of it not happening. In the long run, it might actually be more dangerous for her... 'cause she had Angela there to call Patty. But if it happened later on, she might have been alone. Or you could change things. What if Rayanne invited Brian or Sharon to the party?
"You know, the karma in this house is like ridiculous. It's really low... or dark... whatever it is that happens to karma."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 8:05 pm

Kenny-

really glad you like the Sharon/Rayanne dialogue. Seems you have a sort of soft spot in your heart for them two :). At first I didn't like Sharon, but she's really grown on me. I'll eventually get Krakow right. I love how you portray him in the museum in your story. When will you update it again?

Yea, I'm having a hard time deciding on what to do about Rayanne's drinking problem. Making it so that another person besides Angela or Rickie has to deal with it might be a good way to go. I have to figure out some way to express a growing distance between Rayanne and her two best friends...because whats a good story without tension and such? lol.

This is fun. Glad I read your story, cuz before my creative juice weren't flowing too well.

Cam
Last edited by Cami A. on Mar 9th 2008, 8:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 9th 2008, 8:53 pm

CHAPTER 2, continued.

"So why did you do it?"
"Do what?" I looked at her puzzled.
"Honestly, why do I even bother?" She threw up her arms and let them hit the sides of her legs on the way back down, shook her head, and walked away. What drama! This time I didn't call out to her. This time I let her go. However, a small part of me wanted to invite her in, for some company. It would be hours before Amber got home. But I wasn't like desperate or anything. Okay, maybe a little, but not hang-out-with-Cherski-level desperate. Seeing Cherski outside of school was strange enough, so having her inside of my apartment would be like, an alien encounter or something.
You would think I'd be used to it by now, but when Amber didn't come home that night I felt empty all over again. It's not like I was worried about her. She was out with Rusty, no doubt, but I was lonely all the same. I wanted to call Rickie, but I didn't want to risk angering his psycho uncle. And when I called Angela at 11 pm, Patty-cakes told me it was too late for her to take phone calls. So I finally found company at the bottom of Amber's half full tequila bottle.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by ikilledkennyandjr » Mar 9th 2008, 11:45 pm

Yup, a good story needs tension... and such. Poor Rayanne! She really does need Angela and Rickie. The ending of the series was kinda bittersweet for her... even Rickie was barely talking to her! I mean I know she deserved it, but still.

Anyway, yeah, the eighth chapter of my story is nearly done. I have trouble getting inspired to write. But all I need to do is tweak a few things and add the last scene. Not too bad.

ANYWAY, this scene is so sad! When she's lonely, she turns to alcohol. Sigh. Oh, Raynie. Stop breaking my heart. And how terrible a parent is Amber sometimes? I really get a kick out of her character, and her relationship with Rayanne, but I hate the way she's so neglectful!

"She was out with Rusty, no doubt, but I was lonely all the same." Consider taking out this last phrase. The "no doubt" sounds perfectly bitter. I also love the part about the alien encounter. It's so true.

So do you have plans for the story, or are you going into it completely blind?

PS: Soft spot in my heart for Rayanne/Sharon? More like... a mattress... or a futon. Or a freshly-washed puppy. You get the point, right? :lol:
"You know, the karma in this house is like ridiculous. It's really low... or dark... whatever it is that happens to karma."

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Cami A.
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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 10th 2008, 2:44 am

Yay! Can't wait to read the next chapter of your story.

I think that was kinda sad too, how even Rickie was siding with Angela. Rickie who had always been her yes man...but it was Rickie's time to develop and "find" himself--starting with his involvement in drama club and his coming out to Delia, and he wouldn't be able to do that if he was still concentrating on looking out for Rayanne 24/7. I'm proud of him.

Yea, i dislike Amber very much. It really gets to me in that one episode (I think it's On The Wagon)...when Rayanne comes home from Angela's house and asks Amber what's for dinner, and Amber is like "Oh, you're hungry?" I wanna like stab her in that scene. I love how you bring that into your story in the Big Guy Burger scene.

I'm going completely blind on this story--"I don't believe in making plans, whatever happens, happens" har har... but seriously I get writer's block when I plan out my writing, so i prefer to wing it.

Haha, yea i get the point. I feel the same way about Rickie...like a "freshly-washed puppy"....

Cam
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Re: New Rayanne FanFic in Progress

Post by Cami A. » Mar 10th 2008, 4:39 am

Chapter 2, continued...feedback plz

I walked into the girl's bathroom the next morning to find Cherski and Angela standing really close and smiling. They looked like they just shared a good joke or something, and I had this uncontrollable urge to sabotage the moment, so I did.
"Angelika!"
Sharon turned away and walked out of the bathroom, while Angela turned towards me, tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled uneasily. "Angelika! You've got to help me!"
"Help you with what?" she asked, now she was staring in the mirror and playing with a pimple in the corner of her nose.
"Help me with Operation Vasquez" I grabbed her forearms and we twirled around in a circle. "Puuuulease Angelfood."
"Sure, um…what's Operation Vasquez?"
"You'll see, just ask Patty-cakes if you can come over after school. And like sleep over. Promise me."
"Okay...I promise."
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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