Angela/Jordan fanfic!

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celebelai
Frozen Embryo
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Joined: Jun 15th 2007, 7:15 pm
Location: Sydney Ns/Sackville NB(Canada)

Angela/Jordan fanfic!

Post by celebelai » Jun 15th 2007, 7:45 pm

Hey guys,

Look like most of you on here are as hungry as I am for new MSCL fic. I got bored waiting for other people to write them, so I wrote my own.
This starts off right where episode 19 ends.
Here's the first part:http://celebelai.livejournal.com/19164.html#cutid1
Hope you like it:)

-Ash

annette
Liberty High Student
Posts: 34
Joined: Jul 29th 2006, 9:29 am

Post by annette » Jun 16th 2007, 1:17 pm

love it, cant wait to read more, good to see some more stories being written lately

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Jody Barsch*
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Joined: Jun 30th 2003, 1:30 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Post by Jody Barsch* » Jun 17th 2007, 4:01 pm

It was great! Thank you for sharing it. I really enjoyed reading it; your writing style is vivid and quite charged with images, very well done! Here are some of the lines and moments I especially like:

* The first paragraph is really strong!
* “His eyes caught and held hers for a moment, a depth of emotions she wasn’t aware he possessed flitting across his face before he slipped from the car, silent, expecting her to do the same.”
* “her vision completely obscured by the trees and dark shapes in their path” and “I know, “he said morosely, his fingers stilling on her skin. Angela drew a long breath and watched him as he finished his cigarette, and ground the butt into the grass with his heel” Just some of your good description.
* “until he stopped, and her nose slammed into his back. She involuntarily breathed in, smelling smoke, the leather of his coat, and the smell that was uniquely him, until his low chuckle reached her ears” I love that she slams into him, with her nose! And the sensory details are great.
* “She shifted, her back against his chest, an arm wrapped itself around her middle” Totally brought me back to high school – big time!
* “How she had missed this. Missed him. His taste, his smell, and, just, kissing. But, no. They needed to talk first. So she pulled away, as far as she was able, and stared him down. He broke first, and his eyes wandered to the stars above them for a long moment. Silence. Nothing but the wind whispering through the trees, and their soft puffs of breath in the night. Angela was ready to give up, and start yelling, or just leave, as it was obvious he wasn’t going to speak. And then he did.” Great.
* ““I-I know I never really said that, y’know. Like said it. I mean, I said it, but not, not like this,” he said finally. “I mean, tonight, you were talking to Brain, right? So like, he musta said somethin’ or somethin’, cuz you been lookin’ at me strange since I picked you up, and well, yeah. Just, I’m sorry. For, like, everything.”” I like that 1.) he apologizes, and is aware that he never did (well, I’d say he did, but whatever) and that he needs to, and 2.) that he suspects that maybe Brian said somehting because she’s acting differently than she had been earlier that day… Most fanfictions that start off here don’t have him suspecting this. It works nicely.
* “She could never be sure, after, when she looked back on that night when exactly Jordan had changed his mind about her.” Undisputably my favorite line!!! I love that that’s a thing that happened – that he changed his mind about her – because it’s exaclty what he’s done, although I don’t think I’ve seen anybody just say it like that. It was powerful (well, fanfiction powerful : ) ).
* “The way he was around her changed, and became deeper somehow, and mostly everything she had wanted him to be in her dreams, she saw coming true, in slow stages.” I like that she’s somehow aware that she had all of these expectations and qualifications for Jordan
* “"I like you, okay?”. It was said so quietly, Angela thought at first she had imagined it, because his lips scarcely moved. His body was still, his eyes still closed to her, but the words coming out of his mouth were anything but." Nice. It’s great how we know this is an important moment that the show’s been building up to for a while, but that in actuality it isn’t a big moment -- not overly earnest or forced, but casual, if not totally natural yet.
* “I really like you, and, y’know, I dunno how to say it, like proper, or whatever.” His use of ‘proper’ there is priceless.
* “but that whole-‘I did an undefendable thing’-that was him.” I like that he adds that on his own accord. It makes other conversations between them more trustworthy.
* “I should have guessed that too. I mean, it was a good speech, a great apology, but it didn’t sound like you, y’know?” No. Doesn't seem like the right repsonse. Does she really think that? Would she really say it? Might she need time to process? Would she insult him when she’s finally getting the apology she wanted?
* “Oh you idiot! Don’t you know I worshiped the ground you walked on! By, like, breathing, you impressed me!” Too familiar with the use of “Idiot”, I’m not sure she has this much bravado around him yet. And while I like the sentiment, might she save a little face and word is slightly differently? “Jordan joined in her laughter at that, though his bore a touch of incredulity. “By breathing?!” “Yeah” “Huh.” He said quietly with wonder. A moment passed, and then, “So you like me too?” This exchange is good. I like the idea of it (even though I think that Jordan’s always been well aware that she likes him – although I guess lately he’s been thinking that she hates his guts. Maybe add a “still” to his question…)
* “He offered,” Nice and straight forward and honest. I like that your story is putting into words things that have always been there but that I don't remember being said before.
* “Talking’s good, we should do, like, more of it…just not right now” he murmured against her lips with a predatory smile. “Okay” she whispered, before giving into his hot mouth and clever fingers.” Really like the idea and his “just not right now”, but the “Talking’s good, we should do, like, more of it” seems a little too verbose for Jordan – anyway to say the same thing with less words?
* The kissing scene was detailed – took me back … Oh, high school boyfrineds in empty playgrounds … been there. Well written…
* “…until she was gasping under him. Jordan allowed himself a smirk at her dishevelled state before reaching around her to unclip her bra.” I love that she’s doing exaclty what he wants her to, and yet he has to take a step back from it and laugh at her. Awesome.
* “I’m not gonna have sex with you. Not here, not now, not in the car.” For some reason, I really like that it says “the car” instead of “your car,” which I would have thought would be the more natural option. Also, it was a realief to see that Angela’s issue had nothing to do with the fact that the car is where he slept with Raynane.
* I think I’ve missed it and deleted it already, but I like that she points out that she hasn’t spoken to Rayanne yet. It’s important that she impresses upon him that it wasn’t just that he hurt her feelings and made her feel betrayed, but that his actions resulted in her losing a friend. She’s not harping on him, but I like that she’s not brushing it aside for the sake of amking out either.
* “Okay” Jordan said slowly. “I didn’t think you were, I mean, I didn’t think ya changed your mind since before, or whatever, I just…” he trailed off. Nice job for giving Jordan some credit -- he’s not always behind the learning curve.
* “And, like, I know you’re not like that, which is cool, I mean, you’re cool, I mean, ya don’t haveta put out if ya don’t wanna” Fictional boys are so funny, they still say crude things to girls they’re trying to woo.
* “I’m sayin’ I’ll like, wait, or whatever, ‘til you’re like, ready, if ya want, …since you like me and all” Awesome. I don’t know if your intention here was to make him a jerk or just a little standoffish, but I love it. He’s trying to be nice, but he’s such a jerk!! “since you like me”???!! Ha!
* “Angela couldn’t help but think of his confession, his promise to her as a beautiful moment, one that she could look back on and treasure in years to come” It makes Angela seem silly (and maybe with desperately low standards) – which is perfect because she’s a 15-year-old girl
* “she pushed him away, and this time, the annoyance on his face was palpable. “God, Ange! What are you afraid of?” Oher than the ‘Ange’, which is simply a preferance thing, this is great! 1.) That he’s still going to get annoyed with her, even after working so hard to get her to talk to him again, 2.) That he accuses her of being afraid 3.) That he doesn’t get that movig fast the first night together after sleeping with ther friend after breaking up with her for not sleeping with him, might not be the best strategy.
* “You hurt me,” she looked at him then, chin quivering. It took a moment before she pushed the tears back and continued. “I know you’re sorry, but, I don’t want to--” she blushed here “-give myself to you, without knowing that I can trust you. That trust is like, gone now, and it’s gonna take a while to get that back. I mean, I haven’t even spoken to Rayanne yet-” This is the moment from earlier. “Can we NOT talk about her?” Jordan asked, annoyed. At the look on her face, his tone softened. “Okay, like, you don’t trust me, I get that. I even get that, like, you wanna wait, but I don’t see why we can’t just?” He stopped and looked at her chest pointedly, one eyebrow raised. Liked it.
* “Ang-ela?” he murmured her name shyly, tucking his hair behind his ear, half scared of her answer. “What?” she snapped back. “Wanna be my girlfriend?” Another way to try the scene is to have him ask it kind of making fun of her. The nervousness might still be there, but underneath, and he’s being a little ironic because he’s finding himself saying these words (like when they broke up, and Angela asks if they need to say anything --Jordan doesn’t think the words need to be said)
* “Yeah, but like, slow, okay?” “Okay.”The pithiness of this exchange is striking, and makes it effective.
* “Angela giggled, and kissed him again, as he raised the collar of her flannel. “Whatcha doin?” “Just makin’ sure this’ll be hidden” he mumurmed against her neck. Her “Wha-“ was cut off as he suckled a spot on her collarbone, biting the skin hard at the last second when she was writhing under his tongue. He pulled away from her throat and smothered her moan with his kisses, before she smacked his arm, hard. “Ow!” he yelped again. “What’d I do this time?” “ That hurt, you bastard! And I’m sure my mother’s watching in the window”. “She can’t see us” he said confidently, making Angela’s blood boil, until his next words erased any anger she was feeling. “‘Supposed to. I mean, s’only way to make a good mark” I love, that in addition to everything else, Jordan Catalano has a hickie philopshy. Too funny.




To work on maybe:
* Like the poster at Livejournal, said, paragraphs for dialogue would be good, but their absence certainly didn’t hinder the reading.
* I don’t know how true Patty and Angela’s conversation rings, it doesn’t sound like them.
* ““J-Jordan! Where are we going?”” Maybe cut the “Jordan” -- sounds too familiar for where she is in her head right now.
* I think you meant “Racine” not “Razim”
* “She was staring at him, in open-mouthed astonishment, and then snorted indelicately at his last words. “I know, Jordan! I talk too much, I get it…what else did you wanna say?” Seems too forward for her at this moment. I’d think she’d be afraid to breath, I don’t think she’d dare challenge him like that at that moment at this point.
* I like Jordan’s explanation of how the note thing happened, it seems believable and natural, but their conversation about Brian being in love seemed a little forced/out of place, maybe just how they approach it
* “Her only answer was a s**t-eating grin before she leapt on him with a squeal, knocking them both to the grass, and began kissing his mouth, his cheeks, his nose. He was giggling, his sides shaking with laughter, before she pulled away a fraction. “You really mean that?” She asked, all mirth gone for the moment. “Yeah” he said sincerely, and she was glowing with happiness. He blinked, and watched her smile at him stupidly for a moment before he smirked and pushed her off.” “For the second time that night she tackled him, laughing. “Like, seriously?” Other than an expression I have never heard before, doesn’t seem quite in character. Angela seems more restrained around Jordan than this.
* “Angela still couldn’t help but think of him as just another horny teenage boy wanting to get to second base(in his car, no less!).” 1.) Doesn’t seem consistent with previous moments, 2.) Does Angela have much of a reference for “just another horny teenage boy wanting to get to second base”?
* “But what?” Jordan burst out, clearly upset.” Clarifly the upset; is he worried, aggravated, sad, etc.?
* “You talked to my mother, and that’s cool, weird I guess, but cool, and if she’s okay with you, then that’s cool too” Does she know the full extent of their conversation/how long Jordan had waitied?
* Some moments between Angela and Jordan, like when she cusses at him, “idiot”, “bastard”, the giggling, the “yes yes you are”, the waving don’t sound exactly in character for them, or at least how they’d be right now.
* It’s unclear when they drove home. They get back into the car and it reads like they just sit and talk, but then the next thing we know they’re outside her house.


Anyway, great job!! I really enjoyed reading the story, and definitely felt some of the thrills from the original show, which, IMHO, is the absolute purpose of fanfic. I’m so sorry to hear that you lost all of your writing, that reallly SUCKS! I look forward to reading more when you have it. Welcome to the forum!
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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