' Beautiful Flowers' ( its not done yet just a sample )

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Alaster
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' Beautiful Flowers' ( its not done yet just a sample )

Post by Alaster » Nov 19th 2004, 2:28 am

My So called Life
Beautiful flowers.
( sorry its not finished but I just wanted to see if I like had what it took, this is my first post/ fan fic so be gentle thanks)

Angela Chase couldn’t believe herself, not only was she locked in a car with Jordan Catalano, she had left Brian Krakow alone, sitting on his bicycle. It looked like he was about to cry, I should have said something. I probably needed to stay with him, I mean making Brian Krakow cry is like hurting a wounded puppy, its sick and wrong, and when or if you do it, you feel like dying yourself.

“ Angela… I wanted to talk to you about, the uh note, Brain, Bryan, Brian wrote it for me, he’s a real nice guy, I just wanted to tell you, um, like I sorta love you Angela.”
She had frozen in her place, no longer was she writhing in her seat trying to adjust herself. “ Jordan, that’s , that’s sweet, and if you told me that two seconds ago, I would, I don’t know, that’s just my answer… it’s just like really bad timing…”
Somewhere, a police light was flashing. It bothered me, it was almost crazy, it was almost like the flash was like everything that me and Jordan had gone through, it started and stopped, it began and ended, just so it would start again.
Jordan sighed just a little bit, he gripped the steering wheel tightly and started around the corner...

Patty and Graham Chase were sitting in the kitchen, Patty was donned in a blue floral print dress, she had received flowers the previous morning, she had neglected to tell Graham, They were waiting on the girls, Graham was creating some culinary delight that Patty may dine on later. Patty was racked with guilt, why did she not tell him about the flowers? They were just flowers, they could have been from Angela or Danielle or even Graham. But she knew that they were not, she touched her hair and retreated to the living room to take a nap, Angela had stormed into the room at that precise moment, Patty whirled her head in her direction as Graham came out from the kitchen. “ Where have you been?” asked Patty, Angela nodded slightly “ I was with Brian Krakow “ she lied at this point only so that the issue of her being with Jordan Catalano would not be brought up. The simple fact was that if she was ever with Brian Krakow that she would want to pounce on him with a fury and passion.
I mean he told me he wanted to hold me and touch me, be with me, it didn’t feel obsessive when it was Jordan’s voice it was so romantic. When it was with Krakow’s voice it seemed romantic but crazier, not crazy just strange, like it didn’t fit somehow, like I it just didn’t somehow.

Ricky Vazquez was sitting alone in his thinning brown trench coat, he was watching television outside of a department store, Delia Fisher felt that he was gay, so he supposed he was gay, he always felt weird but never really acted on his feelings.
He’d never really been with anybody, and last night he’d sent flowers to the Chase house, maybe he had lost it. He touched the edge of his hat and sighed, it was getting cold for such a spring morning. He had been holding up at the house of Mr. Katimski, the English teacher that had inspired him with a passion. Katimski had this light around him, he was so scatterbrained and so frazzled that you didn’t notice the light that often, but it had always been there, shining, glistening. He lived with this man, this odd loving man, he didn’t know who this man was other than a friend. An old college roommate maybe? Ricky didn’t know, but he had his guesses. ‘Maybe’ he thought to himself, ‘ what Delia Fisher guessed about me is what is like seriously going on with Mr. Katimski.’ He thought this to himself as he stared at the television, he was on his way back to the apartment with some groceries to make pancakes and he had gotten side tracked.
“ RICKEY!” he heard someone yell as he looked back, it was Rayanne Graph, his sorta best friend, she had had some alcohol issues but he was forgiving. Rayanne ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his narrow frame. Rayanne smiled softly, “ So like Amber wants to have you over for dinner tonight, you know like if you wanted to or something.” Ricky was a little bit dazed as he stammered out an answer. “ Um, I don’t know I would have to clear it with Katimski, you know I’m staying with him now, so like yeah, I’ll check, I’ll call you later k ? “ the light that glimmered in Rayanne’s eyes began to fade as the she heard the words drip from his lips. “ Yeah, like yeah, I’ll see you later” she said, backing away slowly, turning, her wool jacked pulled over her slightly, she gave a small smile and wave as she walked away and around the corner. Ricky looked away and sighed just a bit. He turned and walked the corner, mostly because he had to get the groceries to Katimski but also because he felt a little weird bumping into Rayanne like that, he walked off as the street light changed.

Angela was sitting on the steps by on the porch of her home, she was half waiting for Bryan Krakow to stop by and half waiting to Jordan Catalano. What had happened between the three of us, it was weird, but I didn’t want to like do anything. Krakow was riding his bike around the corner, he was always doing that sort of thing, so it wasn’t weird or anything when he like flashed by my house. Only it was more of a drive by staring.
[quote][/quote]

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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Nov 20th 2004, 2:08 pm

Hi Alaster, intriguing start. I found it interesting that Rickie wouldn't know that Katimpski was gay, and only have slight suspicions about it. I love when fanfics hit on things that I always take for granted as being one way, but then show me a different way to see it!

Questions/Comments:
Why do you make the choice for Jordan to confess about the letter? Where is his motivation coming from? How has he come to the point of telling Angela he loves her? Also, you do not have to reintroduce all of the characters and their situations. I know you're still working on the story, but I don't understand the part with the flowers -- why does Rickie send them? who does Patty think they're from? why does it make her feel guilty? Also, because you are writing this a third perosn narrative rather than a script, your story will read clearer if you put quotations around Angela's interior monolgues.

Also, I really like the idea of Angela reconsidering the letter now that the author has changed -- it's totally true that it would be strange for her to think about Brian Krakow telling her he wants to hold her, and to Angela, it probably would seem uncharacteristic of Brian to have such feelings. I love that this revisits what she says in the early episodes about how people who know you, or see you in a certain way, have a difficult time reforming their vision of you. But I would reconsider some of your diction there – I don’t think that “crazy” and “obsessive” fit.

Also, clarify “she would want to pounce on him with a fury and passion”, it is a little ambiguous. I think that it is the good kind of pouncing (that is that she wants him), but when it is followed by “obsessive” “crazy” and “strange”, it’s hard to tell.

I look forward to reading future revisions. Good luck writing!
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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