Does anybody want to help me with my fanfiction?

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Does anybody want to help me with my fanfiction?

Post by Amika » Aug 20th 2004, 12:47 pm

Hi. I've been working on my first fanfiction piece for a little while now. I've grown really restless though and want some feedback. It's not nearly finished, but here's what I have so far:


[Same night]

Jordan and Angela are sitting in his car in front of Angela’s house

Angela: So now we can have a real conversation (almost excited)

Jordan: (looking uncomfortable) Look, I just want you to know, I didn’t write that letter.

Angela: You don’t have to explain-

Jordan: (cuts her off) Brain wrote it.

Angela: Its really, It’s OK-

Jordan: (cuts her off again) I meant every word (saying this looking straight at her) I mean, even though they weren’t, you know…my words (really soft).

Angela: So does this mean…that you’re ready? For a serious relationship?

Jordan: (looking confused) What?

Angela: I mean that letter, and those things you said in the hall, they were so - I was just so – amazed by them. (looks at him) They really meant something to me and I thought (pause) they meant something to you too.

Jordan: Look, I should probably go. I mean, its getting late. (kisses her)

Angela: (Looking totally confused and unfulfilled) OK. (gets out of car)

Jordan drives off leaving Angela alone in front of her house.


INT The next day at school. Rickie, Corey, and Angela are walking down the hall.

Rickie: So you will not believe what happened yesterday at Katimski’s. We were watching Jeopardy and he starts flipping out because someone got the answer wrong and he starts choking on this chicken bone or something and it comes flying out of his mouth and hits the TV screen and there’s like a big dent in it now.

Corey: (laughing) That’s really funny.

Angela (laughing until…)
They turn a corner and Jordan is standing very close against a wall with this girl Angela has never seen before. They look like they are about to kiss. Angela walks by in slow motion with her head slightly down trying not to look but she can’t help herself.


Backstage in the auditorium. Brian is talking to Corey

Brian: So I’m here because colleges really like it, um, the more extracurricular activities you do. And I’ve always been really good with technical aspects and behind the scenes activities like photography and film so I should virtually be a breeze at curtains.

Corey: That’s cool. What kinds of movies do you make?

Brian: Um, well I’d say my style is like Tarantino, only less violent.

Corey: Cool. Do you want me to show you around?

Brian: Um, sure.

Enter Jordan

Jordan: Hi. Is this…crew? Mr. Katimsky says he’ll pass me if I help him out with this play he’s doing…or whatever.

Cut to Mr. Katimsky and Rickie in the seats

Rickie: I’m kind of worried about Rayanne

Mr. Katimski: Abissynia, Don’t put the tree there! Ahh—

Rickie: she has a tendency to like, um, clam up, in front of an audience.

Mr. Katimsky: Rickie, I know your worried about your Rayanne, but she is doing just fine. Stop worrying!

Rickie: But you don’t understand. I’ve seen her mess up before. She thinks she can do something but when she actually gets up there, she freaks out. I don’t think I could take it if it happens again.

Mr. Katimsky: Rickie, I have been carefully monitoring all of my actors and they have been doing just FINE. Jordan! You came!

Rickie: (worried) I gotta go help abysinnia.

Jordan: I know I said I’d help you but…I have to leave early. My band, Residue? We just got a gig and we have to practice.

Mr. Katimsky: you’re in a band! Wonderful! I know just where to put you. Chiquan, would you show Jordan how the sound box works?


Backstage in the auditorium, it’s the final week of rehearsal for “Our Town” Corey has been watching Rayanne’s performance. There is a break now and Corey approaches her.

Corey: Rayanne, I was wondering if you’d like to see that new movie with me this weekend. After the play is over.

Rayanne: (looking squeamish. This is Rickie’s man) Um, see the thing is I kinda owe Amber’s boyfriend Rusty money, so I’ll be working like everyday for the rest of my life. (sees Rickie) But I think Rickie wants to go!

Rickie: Wants to go where?

Corey: To see that new vampire movie this weekend. After the play?

Rickie: Sure! That sounds nice!

Rayanne: I gotta go (exits)


In the girl’s bathroom

Sharon: So, how’s the play going?

Rayanne: You want to know?! (laughing at her mockingly, but this is just a cover) Well if you must know, Katimsky is totally overworking everybody and if this were a real job it would be like, slave labor. But other than that it’s – great.

Sharon: I can’t wait to see you Graf! Delia told me that you’re like, *really* cute. Like, Emily’s supposed to be sweet and innocent?

Rayanne: Yes, I get to act all sweet and innocent. Kind of like Angela (awkward pause) (smiling) So have you like, broken Vinivich’s heart yet?

Sharon: (guiltily making that Sharon squinty face) No.

Rayanne: Well you know, no one’s saying you have to do it. He could be like, your slave.

Sharon: (exasperated) Graff! There are certain beliefs that I like have. And I have to… stick by them – because- because- it’s the *right* thing to do.

Rayanne: Well here’s your chance.

Kyle is standing outside the bathroom door, waiting for her

Sharon: How did he know I was in here?!

Rayanne is silently laughing and Sharon leaves the bathroom.

Kyle: Hi Sharon.

Sharon: Hi

Kyle: So we’re still meeting at the bleachers for lunch, right?

Sharon: Of course (smiling guiltily)



Jordan spots Angela walking by with Delia

Jordan: Angela? (she ignores him) Angela wait!

Angela: (reluctantly stops) What do you want?

Jordan: (to Delia) Can we be...alone?

Delia: (to Angela) Um, bye!


Angela: What?

Jordan: We’re having rehearsal tonight in the loft.

Angela: So?

Jordan: So…I was wondering if you wanna come.

Angela: Look. I’m not one of your shirts. You can’t just use me when you’re cold and the throw me away when you’re done.

Jordan: Angela…

Angela: I’m sick of this. I can’t do this anymore…Goodbye.


Jordan stands there looking after her, alone.


At the movie theater, Rickie and Corey have just seen the vampire movie

Corey: My favorite part was when the head vampire bit that girl in the swimming pool.

Rickie: Or how about when that vampire slipped on his own blood and fell right into that fence post.

Corey: Yeah!...(pause, then to Rickie) This was really fun. (The another pause)
They are both looking right at each other as if in a trance. Can I ask you something?

Rickie: (after a pause slowly says:) Sure.

Corey: Is Rayanne dating anyone right now? Because I’d really like to ask her out.

Bombshell, but Rickie takes it ok.

Rickie: Well, um, Rayanne, has a tendency to have a very short dating span with guys. And she usually dates multiple people at the same time. But you could ask her.

Corey: Oh. I didn’t know she was like that. I’m used to seeing her play Emily. All sweet and innocent.

Rickie: No, Rayanne’s not like that at all.

Corey: Are you OK? You look sick. Do you want to sit down?

Rickie: I’m fine. I’ve just had a rough week.


In the hallway Rickie and Angela are talking at his locker. Jordan and the mystery girl are down the hall.

Angela: Rickie, I’m sorry.

Rickie: (obviously down) Its ok. I mean I kind of knew he wasn’t well…now I know. Atleast now I know for sure what is capable of happening between us. (pause) You know for a second, it was actually nice. To just have a feeling of what it’s like to…be with someone.

Angela: Well you aren’t the only one with problems. My life is like such a lie. I should seriously just stop expecting anything amazing to happen involving Jordan Catalano. Because every time I do it turns out to be a complete letdown. First he sends me some note and then I see him about to kiss another girl.

Rickie: What are you talking about?
(Angela nods in the direction of Jordan and the mystery girl)
Oh, that’s Stephanie Mirella. She’s not going out with Jordan, she’s going out with Shane. Jordan’s her cousin.

Angela is bewildered, realizing with regret what she’s just done.


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Jody Barsch*
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Re: Does anybody want to help me with my fanfiction?

Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 20th 2004, 1:29 pm

Damn! I just wrote this whole long response and then it got erased!! This is the reason I usually type first in a word document! :evil: Let me think and I'll summarise what I was going to say.
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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Post by Nothingman » Aug 20th 2004, 1:47 pm

"Again, half as long."
"To come to your senses, you must first go out of your mind." - Alan Watts

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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 20th 2004, 1:53 pm

Okay, good start, but where do you see the episode taking us?
I like the switch of tone from K talking to Rickie to Jordan
See the ff thread about "I've seen the show syndrome" in regards to the Tarentino thing and "sweet and innocent"

The big stuff:
I think Rickie needs a substantial reason for concern about Rayanne before he would talk to someone like K about it. As it is now, it just seems like he is ratting out his friend for no real purpose. Even given everyhting that's happened, I think Rickie still values Rayanne over the success of the play, so we need to see his motivation. I also think that that conversation should happen in private, like while driving home or at home w/ Mr. K. Maybe Rayanne herself could pull K aside aand express her concern, that would be a really nice moment.
The other big thing is the Rickie and Corey "that's funny" issue. I think it's a great idea to further pursue that, in that after that moment of approval from Corey, Rickie would always be trying to make Corey see him as this really funny person. That's a great touch, it makes Rickie so vulnerable. Here's my question, does Corey really think he's that funny still, or is he being nice. You're using almost his exact language from the dance, if this is deliberate, if so, clarify why.

Smaller stuff:
The actual funny story you may want to change. We already have a chiken bone choking story in MSCL, and I don't know that K is the kind of man to get so wroked up over Jeopardy.
Maybe cut Jordan's "hi", and I don't think that he would use either his band's name, or the word "gig" with his teacher.
Corey is just a set painter, Rickie is stage manager, that is probably who Brian would be speaking to.
While I do think that Rickie would not want to see Corey get hurt, I don't think that Rickie would so blatently depict Rayanne as a slut, right out saying that she is not sweet and innocent.

Good work, keep going, I look forward to reading more!
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 20th 2004, 1:57 pm

Nothingman wrote:"Again, half as long."
Always love a good Maclean reference!
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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Post by Amika » Aug 21st 2004, 4:39 pm

I consistently work on this each day (even if it's just a few lines) but I don't know when it will be done. Thanks for taking the time to post your comments, I really appreciate it!

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Post by Amika » Aug 21st 2004, 4:41 pm

Hee hee, I'm Nicky Driscoll now.

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