"A Boy Without Words"fanfic...please read

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emma14
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"A Boy Without Words"fanfic...please read

Post by emma14 » Aug 15th 2004, 12:05 pm

JVO "My name is Jordan. Jordan Catillano. And there's this girl." Flashes of Angela, in the corridors, kissing Angela. "Like, this. girl."

JVO "Its like. everything was really easy, you know? And I could deal with life. I could get through school, and I could bloke out mum, and I could, well, like live. But now, I can't. I have this need. For her." Jordan pulls his car up at school and Angela's there. On the steps. She looks over her shoulder, as though debating to come and talk to him.

She slides into the passenger seat, and stares at him. He looks straight ahead, as though there are words written on the windscreen. She sighs with annoyance.

JVO "I just, can't speak. When she's around. She makes me like, deaf or something."

"I know you didn't write the letter." She says, running her hand awkwardly through her hair.

"Oh." He says and still doesn't look at her. She sighs again.

JVO "I know. There is something else I should say."

"Aren't you even, I don't know, going to defend what you did? Explain it? Do you even know why it's wrong?" Angela shakes her head softly, and her eyes are swollen.

JVO "When she gets upset, her lower lip like trembles. As though it has all this emotion that just can't stay in her. mouth."

"I." Jordan shrugs, and grimaces again. He doesn't say anything. She nods, and turns. She stops and looks back, over at him.

"You know, I wouldn't have cared, how good the letter was. You could have just told me how you felt or something. It didn't have to be poetry." She paused, waiting for Jordan to react. "Did you even care? Ever?" When he doesn't reply, she gets out of the car. His head falls back against the headpiece of the seat.

JVO "That's the thing. It couldn't ever have been poetry. That's what she doesn't get."

In the girls bathrooms.

"So?" Rayanne asks, leaning in and peering at Sharon in the mirror.

"So what?" Sharon replies, looking up from her glossed lips. Rayanne swaps the shoulder her bag is on. She looks slightly uncomfortable.

"Like, what's going on with Angela and, you know," Rayanne leaves a pause. Sharon just raises her eyes, forcing her to finish the sentence. "You know, Catillano. Its not like I care or anything. I just, wanna know." Sharon looks back at the mirror and purses her lips.

"Look, the thing is." Sharon trails of.

"What, what's the thing? Your like Angela's friend right, you know what's happening? Cuz I figure." Rayanne shrugs her shoulders again, making another attempt to seem casual. "Like if she's not after Jordan anymore, she's not gunna be mad at me right?" Sharon doesn't reply again. "What? That's just how I see it right, that's right, isn't it." Finally Sharon turns to Rayanne and says, with one hand on her hip.

"It was never about Jordan. Like, don't you see Rayanne?" Sharon tilts her head and Rayanne copies her. She laughs slightly and bends her head towards Sharon.

"See what?"

"She's not angry because of Jordan. She's angry because you betrayed her."

"Betrayed! I didn't betray her."

"Yeah, you did. You don't even seem to be sorry or anything." Sharon turned to go, and when she reached the door she turned and added. "I may not be Angela's best friend anymore, but I do know something about friendship. You messed up. You broke like," She paused, waving her hands. Rayanne followed the movement in an attempt at comprehension. Sharon put her hands on her hips. "Like a friendship code. She can't just forget about it when she forgets about Catillano. Its not that simple."

"What's not that simple?" Rayanne asks the mirror, and frowns.

In the corridors at school

"So like, what do I say to her when I see her?" Brian asks Rickie. The gay boy shrugs, and peers deeper into his locker. "Like, do I say something like what I said in the letter, about how my life is like revolved around her and every little thing she does is like so important that it changes my life profoundly. That I can't stop thinking about her whenever I am, and I like I spent all my time at school trying to get a glimpse of her or I'll sit in my room and watch her through my telescope."

"You have a telescope?" Rickie interrupts.

"That's not the point. So, do I tell her all these things? Or do I just say like something really boring, like. Hi." Krakow stops, as though that one word had sent him of on another spiel of thought. He turns to Rickie and asked.

"So, what? What should I say?" Rickie slams his locker shut. He opens his mouth to speak but then thought the better of it. He thumps Brian lightly on the back.

"You seem to have it all worked out. I think I am late for English."

Brian stands thinking for a second.

"What if she just like, pretends it didn't happen?" He looks shell-shocked and turns away from the camera.

In English Class

JVO "The first time I am ever like early for class, and she's not there. Its like, Ironic or something." Jordan smiles to himself slowly. The teacher at the front is talking. She is holding in her hand a book. Jordan squints at the words, and then looks down at the same book, which is in his hand.

Angela comes into class, late. No one comments and the teacher only sighs. She won't yell, because she knows for Angela it's a one off thing. Angela sits in the second row, and slumps over as though she is intent on listening to what the teacher says. Her face is slightly contorted with inner monologue that we can't hear. She runs a hand through her hair, and casually looks her shoulder. Into Jordan's eyes. She turns back to face the front and her eyes are wide.

AVO "Oh my god. Why is it like this?" She looks over her shoulder again, once more, tempting fate. "For so long, I've been watching Jordan Catillano. But now, I can't even look at him without like. seeing him. Like now, I see all the bad stuff he's done, not just him."

"MacBeth. It's a story about. what? Um," The teacher scans the class, picking a name. "Jordan?"

AVO "Jordan Catillano. Why can't I call him by just his first name? Jordan. Maybe cause then he might, well, might just be ordinary" Jordan wakes up from a daze almost. His eyes slowly focus on the teacher.
"So, what is MacBeth about? Have you read the book?" The teacher asks.

"Yeah, I have." Brian had tutored him through reading it. "Its.Its about these people, MacBeth and his wife, and they like, kill their king."

"And why do they kill their king?" The teacher asks, deciding to make the illiterate kid at the back of the class squirm for once.

"So MacBeth can be king. Its like, they really like him but he's, in the way. But the story ends with this couple dying because, yeah, they like betrayed him."

AVO "See, a month ago I would have been trying to understand the meaning behind those words. But now, I can't help wondering how long it took Brian Krakow to teach him to say that word. Betrayal."

Angela leaves the class, jolting as the bell rings suddenly. Jordan watches her back disappear down the hall. He blinks and turns, walking straight into Rayanne.

"Hi," She says brightly and obnoxiously. He looks down at her almost as he doesn't know her. He steps back and walks away from her. Rayanne turns and watches him leave.

Angela is walking home, and she has her arms wrapped around her chest protectively.

She doesn't even notice as Brian comes up behind her. He walks behind her awkwardly for a second, and then taps her shoulder.

"Hey," He comments, flinging his arms out a little.

"Hi," Her voice sounds harsh, and she attempts a smile. There is a pause and she bits her lip. "So, how was school? Why aren't you catching the bus?" She laughs slightly to hide her embarrassment. He goes to speak and she cuts him off again. "I never thanked you did I, for the letter?" She adds, her cheeks going a pink tinge.

"No. What?" He says with a shake of the head.

"I mean, it was so nice of you. For Jordan I mean, to pretend. And you're a really good writer. Like, you should do it professionally or whatever. I mean, I just wanted to say thank you."

"What?" Now he said it angrily.

"Like I know you had good intentions, at heart. You know?" She looks almost pleading and her hand touches his shoulder slightly when he didn't look at her. He jolted away from her touch.

"What? What. What? Don't you even." He looks down at her, and his mouth flaps a couple of times as he arranges his words. "I meant those words. They weren't just made up."

"What are you trying to say Brian?"

"That. its.like complicated. How can you stand there and ask me to just like pour out my soul to you like I did in that stupid letter. God, Angela, sometimes your so.. Selfish." He spluttered, the wordsmith he could be in his head vanishing at the sight of her. She paused, stopping walking, turning her head around to him with confusion..

"You don't, you don't feel that way about me, do you?" She says haltingly. She brushes her hair again. He stops walking.

"Angela! What. Of course, I mean. Yes, how could you not. I just can't understand how you can't know that! God Angela, I spend all my time at your house, I do you homework, what.. What!" He sighs and waves his hands. "No, just forget it. Forget I mentioned it." He starts walking again. She widens her eyes and falls into pace with him again.

They walk in silence. When they get to his house she says rather obviously.

"Well, this is my house."

"Yeah," He adds. She bites her lip again. He turns to go, but she stops him when she speaks again.

"Krakow!"

"What?" He says, exasperated.

"You know what I first remember saying to Catillano?" He raises his eyes to the sky and murmurs.
"What? What, Angela? Tell me." He says with sarcastic desperation. She steps a little closer to him and says.

"He asked me what day it was, because it didn't feel like Friday. I told him it was Thursday." Brian shakes his head again, trying to fathom the meaning behind what she is talking about. She tilts her head to one side, and raises there hand to his cheek.

"What does that even mean? How can."

"Krakow, you ask so many questions." She adds, and pulls at his t-shirt, kissing him softly on the month. They kiss for a fraction of a minute. She raises her eyebrows when they stop kissing and then heads towards her door. Krakow stands on the sidewalk with his hands on either side begging her to explain.

Neither notice Jordan's car, which sits two spaces down from Angela's drive way.

Jordan's watches them kissing through the mirror. His eyes squint as she turns to go.

JVO "Someone, maybe like Shakespeare or someone said, that you sometimes only know how important something is until it. kisses Brian Krakow."

Angela enters her house. Her mother runs past her, moving quickly upstairs without even a 'hi'. Patty's face is red and splotchy. Graham follows her, and then stops, standing at the bottom of the stairs with his mouth hanging, open.

"Hi," Angela finally says, and Graham just nods. He shakes his head and grabs his coat. Angela moves awkwardly away from the door. "So what's" She laughs nervously. "What's happening.? Dad?" Graham finally looks at her.

"I'm going out." He says, as though it were a revelation, and does. Angela stands there mute. She jumps when her dad's head pops back through the door.

"That boy. his cars out front." And then he is gone again.

AVO "That boy. Jordan Catillano. I just kissed Brian Krakow, my parents are in a fight, and now I am going to go sit in Jordan Catillano's car and try not to kiss him." Angela walks to his car as she thinks this. She gets a strong sense of de-ja vous as she looks through his rolled down window.

"Hi," She says, smiling.

AVO "Why does his face always make me smile?" Jordan is not smiling. He looks over at her, and he frowns.

"Oh, hey." And for once his voice wavers. "So, your, um." He seems to lose the thread of what he was saying. He looks over at her, and closes his eyes slightly. Angela shifts in her seat.

"Why do you make me. why do you even bother if you have nothing to say to me?" She finally cries out, wrinkling her nose a little. "God." She slouches back against the seat. Jordan looks slightly flustered. He rolls his eyes.

"Look, I'm not good with this."

"With what? I just want you to talk to me." She nearly screams out, and Jordan looks around to see if anyone is listening. He leans towards her and talks low and fast.

"I'm not good with words. Not like Brian Krakow, not like you. I can't write you words that are going to make everything okay, cause I don't see the world that way." He sighs in frustration, and for once she is listening. The words come out of him with small breaks and pauses. "See, for me, I never had to... You're like from somewhere else. Somewhere, higher. That I can't ever reach. You have all these thoughts and feelings that. I can't even describe." He shakes his head softly, as though that wasn't even enough.
" I don't care." She whispered, and brushed his cheek with her thumb.

JVO "Its so easy to kiss her. So much easier to make her understand with. kissing. To show her how like, valuable she is." They kiss slowly for a second, and then Jordan pulls away.

"I saw you, kissing Krakow." She sits back, and glances over at his blank face.

AVO "How can he do that, change so suddenly? One moment were kissing. the next I don't even know him."

"Oh. I know." She said with a little derisive laugh, slumping back in her seat. "I mean, with Brian, its complicated that's all."

"Maybe not. Maybe he's like. your intellectual equal. Or whatever." Jordan stares down at his fingernails, at the steering wheel, out the window, anywhere but at her.

"What? Krakow?" She laughs quickly, but stops when he looks up, and she notices the seriousness in his eyes.

"Yeah. Maybe."

"What are you saying? That..."

AVO "And that's when I realised it. Jordan was the one that had screwed up. and yet I felt like I was loosing out.

"I don't see how this is anything compared to what you did with Rayanne Graf." She said indignantly. He shook his head. The way she said Rayanne's name, like she wasn't a person. Just the name.

"Rayanne. You know, she was your friend before her and I you know, whatever." He said with a dismissive shake of the head.

"Are you defending her?" Angela cried indignantly. Jordan shook his head. "So what? Is this what you want? Me to date Krakow, and you to sleaze around with every girl that will let you touch her?" He leant pulling her into a kiss again. She opened her eyes momentarily to see his were firmly closed. He sat back again.

"Maybe you should go." He murmured.

"What?"

"Angela," JVO "It's so weird, when I actually say her name." He broke off, and she nodded. She moved to get out of the car. She leant against the rolled down window and asked.

"Just tell me, what would you have said, if you had to say something. Like, if you had written the letter, what would you have said to win me back?"

Jordan smiled, and looked out through the windscreen.

"Your so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." He looked over at Angela and his crystal blue eyes showed her the look she had dreamt about.

Angela smiled, and opened her mouth to say something, but instead just watched him look down, shake his head embarrassedly, and start the car.

"See ya." And he drove off.

JVO "The girl is Angela Chase. And she's changed everything about my life."

* * * * * * * * Thank you! Please tell me what you think!
Last edited by emma14 on Aug 16th 2004, 4:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
It's like...you think you're safe, or something. 'Cause you can just...walk away anytime. Because you don't, like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is...you're wrong.

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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 4:13 pm

Hey! I enjoyed reading this, especially the scene between Rayanne and Sharon (I’m really excited to see how that turns out after revisions). Obviously my comments are my personal opinions, and this is your story, so don’t feel obligated to make the changes I have suggested. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your revisions. Do you plan to expand your story to make to a full length episode? Any plans of intertwining the parents’ storylines into the rest of the episode? As it stands now, there is no context or build up for what happens, and they only enter the story when Angela is there. Are we supposed to assume that it is just an ordinary argument, or does it have something to do with the Hallie Factor? (I do empathize that it can be harder to develop certain storylines more than others). I’d really like to see you further develop the Rayanne story. Any reason you had her run into Jordan? Clarify, Clarify Clarify, what is going on with Angela and her feelings about Brian and Jordan. Oh, and Jordan spells his name with one “l” (and an ”a” rather than an “i” :wink:) (the site is not letting me post all at once so I'll do it in a series of posts)
"My name is Jordan. Jordan Catillano. And
cut this
"JVO "Its like. everything was really easy, you know? And I could deal with life. I could get through school, and I could bloke out mum, and I could, well, like live. But now, I can't. I have this need. For her."
cut the “you know” it doesn’t work here as he is not speaking directly to someone. Also, if you are trying to capture the voice of the show, use commas in your pauses rather than periods; the periods have the effect of making the dialogue come off as too staccato. This is matter of personal choice, but as the show takes place in Three Rivers, PA USA, you may want to watch the use of European vernacular like “bloke out mum” and “windscreen”. You may want to clarify what the before and after are that he is talking about.
JVO "I just, can't speak. When she's around. She makes me like, deaf or something."
Is there any precedent in the series showing Jordan not being able to talk around Angela? Deaf, I believe, refers to not being able to hear, not being unable to speak.
JVO "I know. There is something else I should say."
What is it that he is talking about here? What does the “I know” refer to?
"Aren't you even, I don't know, going to defend what you did? Explain it? Do you even know why it's wrong?"
I’m not sure if the “I don’t know” is needed. Rather than Angela saying “it’s wrong”, you might want to find other words, it sounds like scolding a child. Maybe try something like “this is problem” “what’s wrong” “you shouldn’t have done that”
""You know, I wouldn't have cared, how good the letter was. You could have just told me how you felt or something. It didn't have to be poetry." She paused, waiting for Jordan to react. "Did you even care? Ever?" When he doesn't reply, she gets out of the car. His head falls back against the headpiece of the seat.
I like this, especially her leaving and him leaning his head back (with eyes closed). But I think the action is enough, that last voice over is superfluous as we already know from the conversation and his actions that Jordan is feeling frustrated and defeated, we don’t always have to know the exact reason.

""In the girls bathrooms.
"So?" Rayanne asks, leaning in and peering at Sharon in the mirror.
"So what?" Sharon replies
Clarify in your direction notes whether this is the beginning f a conversation, or if we are entering the scene in the middle of one.
You know, Catalano. Its not like I care or anything
There should be some action for Rayanne in between these two sentences, i.e. walking to another spot in the room, rummaging through her bag. Etc. You need a change of pace as she is going from vulnerable to detached.

"Look, the thing is." Sharon trails of.
Rather than “trails off” which means we barely hear the end of her sentence, it might be more in character for Sharon to say the part you have written with directness and volume, and the pause, not knowing what to say next. Of course, that’s totally a personal call.
"What, what's the thing? Your like Angela's friend right, you know what's happening?
Place a question mark after the first what. “You’re” not “Your”, and maybe cut the “right” because this is rhetorical statement, Rayanne is reminding Sharon that she is Angela’s friend ad must, therefore, know what is going on (she is not actually asking Sharon if she is Angela’s friend).
Cuz I figure." Rayanne shrugs her shoulders again, making another attempt to seem casual. "Like if she's not after Jordan anymore, she's not gunna be mad at me right?"
if you’re using “like” in the vernacular sense, always follow it with a comma as it is an interjection. It’s interesting that you’re writing this from the stand point that Rayanne doesn’t know about Jordan and Angela yet. I don’t remember seeing that in a fanfic before. … This is not a criticism or a suggestion to change things, but consider the following to keep your story from seeming false/illogical: if they were making out in the hallways, wouldn’t it be all around school? Tino obviously knows (as there was a chance he would e trying to find Jordan at Angela’s) so wouldn’t he have mentioned it to Rayanne? What happened to Rayanne’s “Because -- I live in the world”?
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 4:15 pm

What? That's just how I see it right, that's right, isn't it."
This is a little awkward as at the beginning she is feeling that she has gone out on a limb with her theory and getting no response from Sharon makes her question and qualify her theory. However, in the second part of this same sentence Rayanne is declaring her theory is right and challenging Sharon to confirm it. Or, did you mean to put a question mark at the end of this sentence?
"It was never about Jordan. Like, don't you see Rayanne?"
Cut the “like” it doesn’t work here.
"Sharon tilts her head and Rayanne copies her. She laughs slightly and bends her head towards Sharon.
I don’t get why this is here. This conversation is very important to Rayanne, and she is at the point of learning something crucial – why is she taking a moment to pause and laugh? This moment should be tense anticipation – a lack of tone registering in Rayanne’s voice, etc…
"She's angry because you betrayed her."
The first time this is actually addressed, you might want to look for another word than was the title of that episode – not that you should avoid using it completely, but maybe just for the first time. Totally a personal judgment call though.
""Yeah, you did.
Needs to be “yes” – it is stronger and more effective.
""You don't even seem to be sorry or anything."
The “or anything” might weaken Sharon’s statement. Keep this dialogue clean and strong, this scene needs to be powerful and effective. “You don’t even seem to be sorry” would work really well as an after thought, something that occurs to her as she is telling Rayanne that she betrayed Angela’s frienship. (Also, it might slow down the scene, but if Rayanne cant’t see that she betrayed Angela, maybe Sharon should explain it (in between ‘Yes, you did” and “You don't even seem to be sorry”))
Sharon turned to go, and when she reached the door she turned and added.
The verbs for your directions should all be present tense: reaches, turns, adds …
"I may not be Angela's best friend anymore, but I do know something about friendship.
Cut this. Sharon and Angela are past the point of wondering how close they are to one another now. They are very close again in “In Dreams”. Also, it sounds a little Forrest Gumpish – “I’m not a smart man…but I know what love is”. Remember, keep this scene clean, work with the essentials.
You messed up.
good
You broke like," She paused, waving her hands. Rayanne followed the movement in an attempt at comprehension. Sharon put her hands on her hips. "Like a friendship code. She can't just forget about it when she forgets about Catillano. Its not that simple."
Work on this, make it stronger, more direct … Sharon doesn’t beat around the bush, and she doesn’t take as many pauses as the other characters. This girl knows what she wants to say. “friendship code” is both trite and vague. “It’s not that simple” haven’t we heard this in another place in this show? I don’t think it fits here. In this scene, Sharon is simultaneously calling Rayanne out, but also trying to help her. I think that Sharon would call him “Jordan” rather than “Catalano” (she does not have that last name basis connection with him), or at least “Jordan Catalano”. (Also, if you clean up this speech, and really explainwhat the betrayal is, you don’t have to include it above where I suggested earlier)
"What's not that simple?" Rayanne asks the mirror, and frowns.
Has Sharon left at this point? Before they were friends, Sharon would have said her piece and then bailed. But now, Sharon has said that she is Rayanne’s friend (after she slept with Jordan), so, while she is taking up Angela’s side, she does care about Rayanne. I see Sharon saying all this to Rayanne, being blunt an direct and calling her out, but then staying and looking at Rayanne with empathy and sympathy as Rayanne registers all that she has heard, and for the first time really realizes what the real effects were of that night. That last line of hers is not really necessary as we get what Rayanne is feeling even with no words spoken.
(Side note: if Rayanne began not knowing that Angela and Jordan are back together (or at least made up), is she leaving this scene still not knowing it, or is Sharon going to clarify? On one hand, it makes sense that Sharon would clue her in, but on the other and, it may delude this scene as it’s real purpose is that Rayanne realizes her role in all this.)
Brian asks Rickie. The gay boy shrugs, and peers deeper into his locker.
You may want to make this a little more like a script in that right away we should know who is speaking in a new scene. Rather than reduce him down to his sexual preference, use Rickie’s name.
my life is like revolved
“my life, like, revolves”
"Like, do I say something like what I said in the letter, about how my life is like revolved around her and every little thing she does is like so important that it changes my life profoundly. That I can't stop thinking about her whenever I am, and I like I spent all my time at school trying to get a glimpse of her or I'll sit in my room and watch her through my telescope."
That first sentence is a major run-on. I really don’t think that every little thing Angela does changes Brian’s life, profoundly or otherwise. I don’t think he would think so either. Also, I don’t think it’s necessary to show Brian as needy and obsessed – in the moments where he walks her home after Let’s Bolt, and when he sits on the stairs with her in “Pressure”, and even during the sonnet in “Self-Esteem”, we see that Brian’s interest in/”love” for Angela is very tender and sweet. Edit those sentences, you’ve got some extra and misplaced words mixed in. I don’t think that Brian would volunteer that he watches Angela through his telescope. (if it took 19 episodes for Brian to even suggest to Angela his feelings for her, and then she left him in the streets, without giving him a response, wouldn’t he be feeling something like hurt, vulnerable, or a fool? Is he really going to try to approach her again? If so, we need to see where this new Brian is coming from. It makes sense that he would be obsessing over how to even exist in the same world with her now after saying that to her, and not die of shame/awkwardness every time they come in contact. Remember that after Brian accidentally revealed his feelings, he immediately asked her to forget it.) Also, since Rickie was the one who told Angela Brian wrote the note, and who told Brian that he had to tell Angela how he felt (which obviously did not play out all that well for Brian), would he really be reaching out to Rickie for more advice so quickly? Might there not be some kind of confrontation?
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 4:17 pm

Rickie slams his locker shut. He opens his mouth to speak but then thought the better of it. He thumps Brian lightly on the back. "You seem to have it all worked out. I think I am late for English."
I kind of like that Rickie has no response to all of this, but I’m not sure the part of “You seem to have it all worked out” works. Maybe something like, “you’ll figure it out Krakow”
JVO "The first time I am ever like early for class, and she's not there. Its like, Ironic or something." Jordan smiles to himself slowly. The teacher at the front is talking. She is holding in her hand a book. Jordan squints at the words, and then looks down at the same book, which is in his hand.
Watch your syntax (holding a book in her hand). They’re English teacher is Mr. Katimpsky. This VO does not sound like Jordan. Maybe just have him looking around and staring at her empty seat, or else keep it short and simple, something like “where is she?”
AVO "Oh my god. Why is it like this?" She looks over her shoulder again, once more, tempting fate. "For so long, I've been watching Jordan Catillano. But now, I can't even look at him without like. seeing him. Like now, I see all the bad stuff he's done, not just him."
This voice doesn’t really sound like Angela. What is “all the bad stuff”? (Are you going beyond sleeping with Rayanne and him not actually composing the letter?) Is the letter thing really enough for her to not want Jordan in her life anymore, even after they made up? If so, we might want to hear about that in a conversation with Sharon. (If after forgiving Jordan in “In Dreams” based on that letter, and then knowing he did not write the letter, her forgiving him was based on nothing and therefore has no merit … is that what you’re getting at here?) I’m not sure it works giving both Jordan and Angela voiceovers throughout the same episode.
AVO "Jordan Catillano. Why can't I call him by just his first name? Jordan. Maybe cause then he might, well, might just be ordinary"
She calls him just Jordan plenty of times. Also, I’m not sure if Angela has the perspective yet to realize that she has had him on a pedestal, but maybe she does.
The teacher asks, deciding to make the illiterate kid at the back of the class squirm for once.
Katipmsky is NOT a vindictive teacher. He would want to dig further to facilitate a discussion, and to support Jordan, to validate his hard work. And again, just like “The gay boy shrugs” “the illiterate kid’ kind of pigeonholes these characters. I’m not sure of your experience with the educational system, but teachers don’t think “to make the illiterate kid at the back of the class squirm for once”. Also, I don’t think Katimpsky knows of Jordan’s reading problems.
Its …because, yeah, they like betrayed him."
It’s … you might cut the “yeah”, and definitely put commas around “like” (it’s an interjection)
AVO "See, a month ago I would have been trying to understand the meaning behind those words. But now, I can't help wondering how long it took Brian Krakow to teach him to say that word. Betrayal."
Cut ‘see”, she isn’t speaking directly to anyone. This VO doesn’t make complete sense. I guess maybe decide on what your focus here is – is Angela fixating on wondering whether everything that comes out of Jordan’s mouth is coached by Brian, or is she marveling at the idea of Jordan using the word “betrayal” and wondering if he has any concept of what it means… (Personal note – I don’t think that Jordan actually did betray her, and it isn’t really the key issue here anymore since se did forgive him for that, I think the coaching idea is much more interesting to pursue, on the other hand, this points of this episode (Sharon and Rayanne’s conversation, and this discussion of Macbeth) do center around the idea of betrayal. If you want to pursue the coaching idea, but still want that literary tie in, you could do Cyrano (also a 10th grade book))


Angela leaves the class, jolting as the bell rings suddenly
That is a VERY short class period … you need to give us some kind of indication when time lapses.
"Hi," She says brightly and obnoxiously.
Hard to believe. Especially considering the conversation she had earlier that day. It would probably go more like when she ran into Brian in “In Dreams”
Angela is walking home, and she has her arms wrapped around her chest protectively.
You should probably add that they are walking home from the bus stop (we never know where that it, so it could still be a walk). I think as she has never walked, having always either rode the bus or been driven, that it is a long walk. Also, if she had walked home from school, the chances of Brian knowing that and being able to follow her, are extremely slim.
He walks behind her awkwardly for a second, and then taps her shoulder. "Hey," He comments, flinging his arms out a little.
Maybe just have him speak rather than tap, it is more natural, less likely to take her by surprise, and I think it would be a really big thing fro Brian to touch Angela, and I don’t think that he could do it so casually. The flinging arms thing, is this something you’ve seen Brian do before, or are you just adding that in?
"Hi," Her voice sounds harsh, and she attempts a smile.

Why is she harsh, and why isn’t she startled?
There is a pause and she bits her lip. "So, how was school? Why aren't you catching the bus?" She laughs slightly to hide her embarrassment. He goes to speak and she cuts him off again. "I never thanked you did I, for the letter?" She adds, her cheeks going a pink tinge.

"No. What?" He says with a shake of the head.

"I mean, it was so nice of you. For Jordan I mean, to pretend. And you're a really good writer. Like, you should do it professionally or whatever. I mean, I just wanted to say thank you."

"What?" Now he said it angrily.

"Like I know you had good intentions, at heart. You know?" She looks almost pleading and her hand touches his shoulder slightly when he didn't look at her. He jolted away from her touch.

"What? What. What? Don't you even." He looks down at her, and his mouth flaps a couple of times as he arranges his words. "I meant those words. They weren't just made up."

"What are you trying to say Brian?"

"That. its.like complicated. How can you stand there and ask me to just like pour out my soul to you like I did in that stupid letter. God, Angela, sometimes your so.. Selfish." He spluttered, the wordsmith he could be in his head vanishing at the sight of her. She paused, stopping walking, turning her head around to him with confusion
I’m not buying this part at all.
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 4:21 pm

"You don't, you don't feel that way about me, do you?" She says haltingly. She brushes her hair again. He stops walking.
I think she knew that when she walked away from him. This seems like she forgot all about that conversation except for how it related to Jordan. (I think she would have spent a long time thinking about the fact that he loves her, and I don’t think she would ask him about it outright like that)
"Angela! What. Of course, I mean. Yes, how could you not. I just can't understand how you can't know that! God Angela, I spend all my time at your house, I do you homework, what.. What!" He sighs and waves his hands. "No, just forget it. Forget I mentioned it." He starts walking again. She widens her eyes and falls into pace with him again.
Not buying. I don’t think Brian would get that outraged and I don’t think he would start listing those things off in this bitter way. I think he would approach this conversation in a much more humble and self-deprecating manner.
When they get to his house she says rather obviously. “Well, this is my house." "Yeah," He adds.
Cut
"You know what I first remember saying to Catillano?

Angela would never refer to Jordan as Catalano in this manner.
He raises his eyes to the sky and murmurs.
"What? What, Angela? Tell me." He says with sarcastic desperation. She steps a little closer to him and says.

Before reading what you have written next, I think I kind of like this idea of her saying this to him, but rather than Brian responding to it in this way, I think he would stand there and look at her, waiting to hear something with a bit of an attitude.
"He asked me what day it was, because it didn't feel like Friday. I told him it was Thursday." Brian shakes his head again, trying to fathom the meaning behind what she is talking about.
Revision: “He said, it didn’t feel like a Friday.”
Maybe Brian might just ask “and?” or “So, what’s that supposed to mean?” or keep “What does that even mean?” but if he continues with “How can…” he is too interested in something he’s not sure he cares about.

What is your point here?? Is Angela trying to console Brian by making him think that Jordan is dumb, or that her relationship with him lacked any real substance?
She tilts her head to one side, and raises there hand to his cheek. "What does that even mean? How can."

"Krakow, you ask so many questions." She adds, and pulls at his t-shirt, kissing him softly on the month. They kiss for a fraction of a minute. She raises her eyebrows when they stop kissing and then heads towards her door. Krakow stands on the sidewalk with his hands on either side begging her to explain.
What??? :shock: I don’t even know what to do with this … … If she is kissing him, why is she walking away? What $@#& is going on? What has lead Angela to this moment – this definitely needs more lead up if this is what you see happening. (Ps, is kissing somebody on the month something I haven’t heard about :P ) A big question: if the letter thing has made her totally reconsider Jordan, why hasn’t it done the same for Brian? (If you see her dropping Jordan, doesn’t it stand to reason that she would do something similar with Brian? If not, we need to what the difference in her mind is – preferably not through a voice over.)
Jordan's watches
It would just be “Jordan”
as she turns to go.
Turns towards her house. (Where exactly are they standing right now?)
JVO "Someone, maybe like Shakespeare or someone said, that you sometimes only know how important something is until it. kisses Brian Krakow."
Funny! But I’m not buying it as something Jordan would actually say. (Also, it doesn’t fit for him to be saying something so funny if he is actually upset by this)
Angela enters her house.
how has she missed his car?:
"So what's" She laughs nervously. "What's happening.? Dad?" Graham finally looks at her.
Cut the “so” and the nervous laugh. Angela isn’t uncomfortable with difficult situations, she would be genuinely concerned and solemn, not breaking into a small nervous laugh.
"I'm going out."
Graham would definitely say something first to comfort his daughter, even if not really filling her in, before curtly saying “Im going out” I see Graham touching her face or hair, a little distracted but also sensitive to his daughter, saying something to assure her, and then with a tired/dejected sigh, “I’m going out” Maybe saying something like, “watch your sister”, or “it’ll be alright” “don’t worry” as he leaves, while she distractedly nods (kind of like in the school hallway in “Stangers in the House”)
She jumps when her dad's head pops back through the door. "That boy. his cars out front." And then he is gone again.
If Graham is really upset, I don’t think he would pop back in to volunteer this information. Also, as she just came inside, I think he would assume that she knew, like he was waiting for her as she was picking something up. Basically, If Graham is upset enough to be leaving the house like this, I don’t think he would notice something like Jordan’s car. (some grammar errors here too) I also don’t think that Graham would refer to Jordan as “that boy”, Patty maybe (but not really in these later episodes), but not Graham. If you need her to discover that he is out there, have her look out the door or window watching her father leave, and then see Jordan’s car out there.
AVO "That boy. Jordan Catillano. I just kissed Brian Krakow, my parents are in a fight, and now I am going to go sit in Jordan Catillano's car and try not to kiss him."
Does not work – am not buying it. Probably a VO isn’t necessary here at all. We know all of that already, just have her walk hesitantly out there.

Before this point you need to clarify for your audience what is going on with Angela. What is she actually feeling about Jordan, what is she actually feeling about Brian? If she is feeling ambiguous, we should know that. It seems like she has a pretty good idea of how she feels about both of them, what she wants, and why she’s doing the things that she is, it just feels like we’re in the complete dark about it. If Angela knows how she feels and what she wants, we need to know it to, and more importantly, how she got to that point. If she is still confused, we need to know that too, and what it is exactly that is confusing her. Preferably not all through voice overs.
"Why do you make me. why do you even bother if you have nothing to say to me?" She finally cries out, wrinkling her nose a little. "God." She slouches back against the seat. Jordan looks slightly flustered. He rolls his eyes.
I don’t think she’s that impatient and demanding. Also, wouldn’t she be a little freaked out by those events with her parents, making her a little more reserved and not irritable?
She nearly screams out, and Jordan looks around to see if anyone is listening. He leans towards her and talks low and fast.
I get that Jordan wants to make things better between them, but really, why is he taking all this from her? Jordan doesn’t usually put up with people’s bullshit, and the kind of exciting thing about him is that he calls people out on the crap they pull, and we know that he has a temper, he is just usually able to control it.
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 4:24 pm

"I'm not good with words. Not like Brian Krakow, not like you. I can't write you words that are going to make everything okay, cause I don't see the world that way." He sighs in frustration, and for once she is listening. The words come out of him with small breaks and pauses. "See, for me, I never had to... You're like from somewhere else. Somewhere, higher. That I can't ever reach. You have all these thoughts and feelings that. I can't even describe." He shakes his head softly, as though that wasn't even enough.
Some of this is good, but I don’t think Jordan, even in amazing circumstances, is that self-deprecating – saying that she is higher and better than he is.
" I don't care." She whispered, and brushed his cheek with her thumb.
Again, help us out with what is going on with her. What has he said here that has changed things from how they were earlier that day? What about her kiss with Brian?
JVO "Its so easy to kiss her. So much easier to make her understand with. kissing. To show her how like, valuable she is."
Cut this. We don’t need it. We already know that Jordan finds the physical easier than the verbal.
"I saw you, kissing Krakow." She sits back, and glances over at his blank face.
Maybe change it to “kiss” rather than “kissing”, and I don’t think Jordan would call Brian by his last name. It requires a level of certain emotional involvement which does not exist between these two characters, and Jordan can barely manage his first name.
AVO "How can he do that, change so suddenly? One moment were kissing. the next I don't even know him."
(“We’re” not “were”) This does not make sense, how does this statement make her feel like she does not know him? Shouldn’t she be concerned about this twist of events? Why would she say that she knows he knows? Again, why is she laughing?
Brian, its complicated that's all."
What is that complication? Is she comfortable talking about this with Jordan? Is he this tolerable of her kissing other guys?
Maybe he's like. your intellectual equal. Or whatever." Jordan stares down at his fingernails,
Not buying that he would say that intellectual equal thing to her, sounds a little to Cosmo, and for a boy who didn’t know what cuticles are, I don’t think he’d be staring at his fingernails.
AVO "And that's when I realised it. Jordan was the one that had screwed up. and yet I felt like I was loosing out.
(spelling and mechanics) I think I really like this line, but it doesn’t seem to fit in the context of what you’ve already written in this scene.
"I don't see how this is anything compared to what you did with Rayanne Graf."
She’s jumping the gun here – he hasn’t said anything about this ruining they’re relationship, in fact, he was being very kind about it. There is no need for her to make this comparison, especially in such an accusing and indignant way, (Graff has two “f’s)
like she wasn't a person. Just the name.
?
"Rayanne. You know, she was your friend before her and I you know, whatever."
What does this mean? What is he trying to saying? I like the dismissive tone though, of whatever his point is. That feels right, the fact that he isn’t taking the bait to get into a whole argument about it.
"Are you defending her?" Angela cried indignantly. Jordan shook his head. "So what? Is this what you want? Me to date Krakow, and you to sleaze around with every girl that will let you touch her?"
Angela seems to be going a little nuts. Any precedent or reason for that? … “Sleaze around” doesn’t sound like Angela Chase, I’m not sure she would say those things to him. Not at this point, at least.
He leant pulling her into a kiss again. She opened her eyes momentarily to see his were firmly closed. He sat back again.
Why is he trying to kiss her when she’s being so nuts and screaming? What is she doing? She seems to have calmed down quite a bit very quickly. I know that Jordan wants to be with Angela, but I tend to think that he would have bailed on this conversation by this point, he wants to make up and know that things are okay between them, and he feels like his life sucks when she is angry at him, but I don’t think he would tolerate her going nuts like this.
"Maybe you should go." He murmured.
That’s my boy!
"Angela,
What is he about to say? … She has to do something more than saying “what”, i.e. sigh, make a face, look hurt or confused, before he can reach out with something else after asking her to leave.
JVO "It's so weird, when I actually say her name."
What does this even mean? Hat was his complete thought?
"Just tell me, what would you have said, if you had to say something. Like, if you had written the letter, what would you have said to win me back?"
How is she able to say this to him after he asked her to leave? Would she really say “win me back”?
Jordan smiled
(remember to keep their actions in the present tense) After all that, and asking her to leave, why is he still able to smile at her?
"Your so beautiful, it hurts to look at you."
Definitely not buying this one. 1.) What are the chances of him getting the exact words right out of nowhere? (especially since we’ve never heard Jordan ever give her a compliment before, and that this episode has focused on the fact that he is not good with words -- your title is even "A Boy Without Words") 2.) Is one compliment, which is basically a line, enough to “win someone back” after they’ve slept with that person’s best friend? Jordan sleeps with Rayanne, he tells Angela she’s beautiful, and all’s forgiven?
"See ya." And he drove off.
JVO "The girl is Angela Chase. And she's changed everything about my life."
I don’t get it, it seemed that their conversation was going very badly, he kicked her out of his car, now it seems like everything is fine … What happened?
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Aug 16th 2004, 11:15 pm

Jody has covered a lot, and I agree with most of her critique. This may seem nitpicky, but MSCL is an American show. In fanfic, it is really important to keep the writing true to the original voice, and in this case that means keeping the writing American. Seeing things like "one off" and "headpiece" pull the reader out of the moment (American readers at any rate).

Referring to Rickie as "the gay boy" seems a little too Sweet Valley High to me. Using descriptors to characterize people we are already very familiar with is extraneous - it would seem equally pointless to describe Brian as "the blonde afro-haired nerd" because we know that Brian is a blonde afro-haired nerd.

:mrgreen:

There are some things that just don't ring true, the first of which is Jordan's voiceover saying, "I just, can't speak. When she's around. She makes me like, deaf or something." Jordan is a rudimentary reader with low literacy skills, but I can't imagine him saying something this nonsensical. When he later says, "You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you," it is a little too convenient that he echoes her wish from the first episode, but it also doesn't fit his personality. It's not something he would say, let alone to win Angela back. He might not have the most insight into females, but I have a hard time believing that he would think a poetic compliment would make everything right. He knows that she wants to hear a real apology, not just "you're so pretty."

The betrayal theme and Macbeth tie-in is too pat. Having Sharon use the word "betrayal" with Rayanne and then having Jordan say it during class is overkill. If you want to keep the literary allegory (a la the Metamorphosis or the Odyssey), try looking for different ways for the characters to discuss betrayal and trust.

I think the main thing I want to see more of in this fanfic is why. Despite the voiceovers, it's difficult to understand why the characters are saying and doing these things. I think that you understand why, so you just need to help the audience see why as well.
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 16th 2004, 11:39 pm

candygirl wrote:is too pat.
?
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Aug 17th 2004, 12:01 am

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
pat
Function: adjective
1 a : exactly suited to the purpose or occasion : APT b : suspiciously appropriate : CONTRIVED
2 : learned, mastered, or memorized exactly
3 : FIRM, UNYIELDING
4 : reduced to a simple or mechanical form : STANDARD, TRITE
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Post by emma14 » Aug 17th 2004, 8:54 pm

ok..first of all,i don't understand why you have to pick at ever freakin detail in this story. If you want the story to be perfect, write your own story.And Second of all,i didnt even write this..i found it on the internet that was dated from 1995.I just thought parts of it was cool...so i posted it.And why would i write a mscl fanfic where Angela kisses Brian..i hate brian...Jordan's way better.I understand you guys are trying to help but too much criticism can really bash someones hopes!
It's like...you think you're safe, or something. 'Cause you can just...walk away anytime. Because you don't, like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is...you're wrong.

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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Aug 17th 2004, 9:54 pm

Lots of other people DO write their own fanfic and post it here. If you read the other fanfic threads in this forum, you will see that people post their stories and ask for feedback because writers are continually editing their work and trying to improve it. In your original post, you did ask for people to tell you what they think. If you don't want feedback, don't ask for it. It's as simple as that. Lastly, don't take it so personally. Constructive criticism is intended to help writers. It isn't a judgement against the writer.
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Post by Megs » Aug 18th 2004, 6:13 pm

I was under the impression from your post (before you edited it), that you wrote this fanfic. In the future, I would be sure to give credit where credit is due the first time. I doubt the writer of the fanfic would appreciate people posting his/her work without their knowledge. Unless, of course, they do know.

ETA: emma, I didn't mean my post to be so harsh, but it was just something that I thought should be said.
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Post by MSCLfan00 » Aug 24th 2004, 8:14 pm

I understand what emma14 is saying about picking at every little detail of the story...but, most of the things that they have corrected... do make sense and could make the story much better, but i really do understand what you meant by how it can ruin people's hopes. Although, I also agree with candygirl when she says that they were just trying to help the writer! So, I really don't know what side I'm on! But I do know it's a little strange that you posted a fan fic saying that it is your own and then once someone has alot of things that they think should be changed, you suddenly say it isn't your work. Wow, what a coincidence! If someone would have had nothing to change about this fanfic would you have said it was yours??? and if you're telling the truth about it not being yours, you really should watch out about posting other people's work...You could definitely find some problems with that in the future...
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OH PLEASE!

Post by murfdurf22 » Sep 29th 2004, 7:22 pm

You know what i think about it, the story was crap. It was so...not real. Oh please, that would like so never happen, emma i know you didn't write the story but whatever website you got that from, girl don't go back to it. that story near bout made me vomit. It might sound nasty but shoot, i hated it. Since when does Jordan Catalano say things like, " you're so beautiful it hurts to look at you." come on people! THINK! And what a horrible time to add that in at. How could, you're so beautiful it hurts to look at you, win someone back. If my ex boyfriend said something like that to win me back i would tell him to GO SCREW HIMSELF! That part freaking sucked man. Emma i'm not bashing on you girl, i'm talking about the person who wrote that story and i know it wasn't you so...you know, keep the peace! And thats it, i don't even think i'm a good write forreal, (i write in the mscl interactive story section, I'm Michelle after the anynomous person) so imma stop dissin on whoever wrtoe , "the boy without words" or whatever the title was,. Thats all I gotta say, PEACE!

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Post by BeverlyHills_RockStar16 » Aug 5th 2005, 8:15 pm

it was good, but are u like saying she kisses brian and just walks off over to jordan in his car, and like doesnt even care that she just like uknow kissed him, but that was good~! l8ter all the way from beverly hills califorina,
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