My first attempt at MSCL fanfiction... please help me!

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My first attempt at MSCL fanfiction... please help me!

Post by whitespy12 » Aug 3rd 2004, 11:20 pm

I started writing this story this morning (it's not even near finished, by the way), and I'm actually kinda proud of it. It's a continuation to the series. I'll probably change some things, and probably make the descriptions a little more... descriptive. But, I'd greatly appriciate any criticism about it. If you don't think the characters are portrayed correctly, or if something seems off, or anything, please let me know! Thanks!



Angela is lying on her bed, wearing a dull orange t-shirt, denim jeans, and a flannel shirt.

Angela (VO): Sometimes, you think you know someone. Like, you think you know all there is to know about them. But then, all of the sudden, they do something, like, so incredibly unexpected, so out of the blue, that it’s like seeing them for the first time.

Patty (OS): Angela! Hurry up!

Angela continues lying there, thinking. She seems to have not heard her mother’s yelling.

Angela (VO): I remember the last time Brian wrote me a letter. It was in 7th grade. No, 6th grade. No wait, it was 7th grade. I found it in my locker. It read, “Dear Angela, I love you. I love you more than words can describe”, or something like that. It didn’t seem like something Brian would ever say to me. Later, I found out it was actually written by some jock who thought it would be funny, or something.

Angela stands up and walks to the window. She looks at Brian’s house.

Angela (VO): Ok, so maybe it wasn’t Brian. But it was still, like, the only time I actually considered that Brian might have feelings for me.

Patty (OS): Angela! How many times do I have to tell you!?

Angela turns away from the window and walks out of her room.


Angela walks down the stairs. She stops as she notices Brain, standing in front of the doorway.

Angela: Hey.

Brian: Hi.

There is a brief pause.

Angela: So, what are you doing here?

Brian: (somewhat angrily) What? I need, like, a reason to come here now?

Angela looks away and continues down the stairs.

Angela: No, I guess not. (brief pause) Look, Brian, about last night…

Patty immediately walks into the room.

Patty: Oh hey! Brian!

Brain: Hi.

Patty: Angela, go in the kitchen and get something to eat.

Angela: I’m not hungry.

Patty: Angela!

Angela turns and walks into the kitchen. Brian stares at her as she leaves.

Patty: So, what are you doing here?

The phone rings.

Angela (OS): I got it!

Angela picks up the phone and starts talking. It’s all off-screen, so her words are pretty much inaudible.

Brian: Well, actually, Mr. Chase asked if I could, umm, come over and watch your cat while you’re gone.

Patty: Oh, ok. So why are you here now? We’re not leaving for a few hours.

Brian: Oh, I know. I just thought, y’know, if you, or Angela, or whoever, could like, show me where the cat food is, or something.

Patty: Oh, sure. I’ll go get Angela.

Patty walks away. Brian just stands there.


As soon as Patty walks into the Kitchen, Angela hangs up the phone, with a smile on her face.

Patty: Who was that?

Angela: What? (realizing) Oh, it was Jordan.

Patty: Oh, Jordan! I finally met him last night.

Angela: Yeah, he told me.

Patty: So, what did he want?

Angela: Nothing. (turns to her mother) It’s just, he wants me to go to this thing tonight.

Patty: This thing?

Angela: Yeah, to see his new band play. (pause) So, can I go?

Patty gives her daughter a cold stare that seems to shout “no!”

Angela: (angrily) Why can’t I go!?

Patty: Angela, you’re not going to be home.

Angela: What? Why not?

Patty: I’ve told you a thousand times, Uncle Neil invited us to his beach house for the weekend.

Angela: Mom, it’s winter.

Patty: He really wants you girls to come.

Angela: Yeah right, like my being there would really make a difference.

Patty: Angela, don’t start.

Angela looks up at Patty.

Angela (VO): I could never stand that expression. I mean, it’s just so, like, vague. Don’t start? Start what? Don’t start realizing that you’re at the age where you can make your own decisions for a change?

Patty: We’re going down to see Uncle Neil, together, and that’s final.

Angela looks down at the floor.

Angela (depressed): Fine.

Angela begins to leave the kitchen, but Patty stops her.

Patty: Oh, and Angela? (pause) Could you go show Brian where the cat food is?

Angela (without looking): Sure.


Rickie, Mr. Katimski, and Joseph are sitting at the table, eating breakfast.

Mr. Katimski: Enrique, what’s the matter? You’ve barely touched your cereal.

Rickie: I’m fine, I guess I’m just not very hungry.

Joseph: Are you sure? You look a little… nervous.

Rickie: Yeah, I kind of am.

Mr. Katimski: Well, why? If you don’t… ah, mind me asking.

Rickie (faint smile): No, that’s ok. I’m just a little nervous about the play. I mean, it’s only a week away.

Mr. Katimski: Oh, gee whiz, Enrique. Don’t worry, everything will go just fine.

Rickie: Yeah, (smiles) I guess you’re right.

Rickie looks down at his cereal.

Mr. Katimski: So, Enrique… are you still planning on spending the night at, ah…?

Mr. Katimski loses himself in thought. Rickie looks up.

Rickie: Oh, at Brian Krakow’s.

Mr. Katimski (recalling): Ah yes, Brian Krakow’s.

Joseph: Would you like me to drive you over there later?

Rickie: Yeah, thanks. I’d like that.

Joseph and Mr. Katimski go back to eating. Rickie just pokes his cereal with his spoon.


Angela (still depressed): …and this is where we keep the cat food.

Brian: Oh, ok. Thanks.

Angela begins to walk away.

Brain: Hey, Chase.

Angela turns and faces Brian.

Angela: Yeah?

Brian: Look, about last night..

Angela: I really don’t want to get into it right now, Krakow.

Brian: No, I know. I just, uh…

Angela gives Brian a cold stare.

Brian: …so where did you go with Jordan last night?

Angela: To the park.

Brian: Oh, so did you, like, make out with him on the jungle gym or something?

Angela: Brian!

Brian: What? I’m just asking.

Angela: Don’t start, Krakow.

Brain: Don’t start what? What am I starting?

Angela: Just forget it. You’re incapable of understanding.

Brian doesn’t say anything. He just stands there.

Angela (somewhat regretful): We sat on the swings and talked. That’s all.

Brian: The swings next to the sandbox?

Angela: Brian, there’s only one set of swings.

Brian: Yeah, I know. (pause) I mean, I just forgot.

Angela: How could you forget? We used to go there pretty much everyday.

Brian: I know, it’s just, like, been so long.

Long Silence.

Angela: Remember that time we jumped off the swings to see who could go the farthest?

Brian: Yeah, I think I still have the scars to prove it.

They share a brief smile.

Brian: Anyway, I should probably go. I have to, umm, clean my room before Rickie comes over.

Angela: Rickie’s going to your house?

Brian: Uh, yeah. He’s spending the night.

Angela: Oh, that’s great. Tell him I said hi, ok?

Brian: Sure.

Brian walks away. Angela stands there for a few moments, in a thinking state. She then walks away too.

"I'm hungry, I want eggs" - Claire Danes' impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (January 22, 2003)

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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 9th 2004, 11:48 am

Good start Whitespy. One thing that seems a little off -- I don't think that Neil would have a vacation house. You might want to change the storyline of why they are leaving. Also I don't think that you have to have Patty telling Angela she met Jordan -- Angela knows this already, and if Patty was going to talk to her about it, it probably would have been that night. Remember that you don't have to refer back to the events in the series, anyone reading the fanfics will have seen the series, take your audience further. While at times I think at times you captured Brian's voice, at other times the dialogue between Brian and Angela about the cat food and such seems a little false/forced. Why is Angela being so nasty to Brian? That first voice over seems to echo something earlier in the series a little too closer, and the part about Brian and the first note, are you going to revisit that or is it just mentioned here? I'm not sure if it work, if it is belieavable. Maybe watch your use of the pauses in a character's dilaogue -- it is totally part of the show, but sometimes it can be over-used. Keep working on it -- I look forward to reading more of it!
Sometimes I write a little MSCL fanfiction:
Also, after multiple V. Mars reiterations, and finally a Deadwood movie, still wishing for some continuation of The Riches !

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Post by whitespy12 » Aug 11th 2004, 12:04 pm

Thanks for the input! The first thing I told myself before starting to write this was that I wouldn't overuse voice overs (i *think* i'm sticking to that well enough...), but I definitely am using too many pauses. Before reading your post, I had added on to the story a bit and added even more pauses, but then I read your post yesterday and took out a portion of them. Also, my intention for the beach house was that it was actually Marla's family beach house, and that Marla and Neil had invited the Chase's down for the weekend... I'm not too sure why I completely left that out. Also, I've taken out Patty's telling Angela that she met Jordan, and I'm also considering changing the "cat food" scene altogether. Speaking of which, you asked "Why is Angela being so nasty to Brian?", and I think you were talking specifically about that scene. The reason why Angela seems so mean is because of lack of description. When Angela says "Brian!", "Don't start, Krakow", etc, they weren't inteded to be mean... obviously not polite, but not mean. I don't know if that really describes it, it's actually more like Angela and Brian's conversation at the end of "Why Jordan Can't Read" (The scene where they play catch). Still, I'm definitly considering changing the "cat food" scene altogether. The voiceover in the beginning is also subject to change, once I can think of something worthwhile to replace it with. And yes, although I too find the letter idea to be a bit out of place, as of now, I do plan on revisiting it.
"I'm hungry, I want eggs" - Claire Danes' impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (January 22, 2003)


Post by JustMe » Aug 12th 2004, 12:21 pm

Why would Patty need to go get Angela to show Brian where the cat food is? Couldn't she just show him herself since she's standing right there with him. Or just tell him ("Oh it's in the cupboard under the sink.") Then Brian would need to make up a new excuse as a reason to talk to Angela... one of his patented lame-o reasons. Could be funny.

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Nicky Driscoll
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Post by MSCLfan00 » Aug 24th 2004, 8:25 pm

I liked this story...I'm a little confused about the whole letter from 7th grade that Brian supposedly wrote her...because at first, she says that she can remember the last time Brian wrote me a letter but then...she says that she knows it actually wasn't him. So I don't know why she'd say "I can remember the last time Brian wrote me a letter" if she already knew it was some jock playing a prank. But who knows! Keep going with your story, I think it'll go far!
"You have the option of insanity. I do not! And that makes me CRAZY!"



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