tell me what ya think...

Discussion and questions about the FanFiction section of MSCL.com. You can also post excerpts of your unfinished stories here if you're looking for feedback or ideas.
Post Reply
User avatar
Hunee
Between Names
Posts: 155
Joined: Oct 19th 2003, 12:52 am
Location: EARTH!!!
Contact:

tell me what ya think...

Post by Hunee » Nov 25th 2003, 6:57 am

after writing other episodes i felt like this was one of the best ones i wrote and after getting several requests to send my fanfic im just posting it here... tell me what ya think

Episode 25: Secrets
Chase House Night
Angela is walking downstairs and Rickie and her are spending some quality time before school starts. It is the last weekend before summer and they are just talking about how they are going to spend there last few moments of freedom.
Angela VO:(as she is saying her VO she is walking downstairs) I never thought that keeping a secret would be so hard. I mean its not that it is hard it is just that it is so unbelievable that I am in shock. I just cant believe it. (now she is sitting next to Rickie on the couch in the living room.)
Rickie: (can tell something is bothering her) Whats wrong...
Angela: (unable to tell him what is really going on) Nothing... im just sad that summer is almost over...
Rickie: So are you going to Tino's thing tomorrow night... Rayanne said it was going to be totally wicked...
Angela: umm... I dont know... are you?
Rickie: I guess I will go... if you go... Rayanne says you know who is going to be there
Angela VO: Ever scince the beginning of summer things between me and Jordan Catalono have been... well they havent been... I hardly saw him this summer... when he wasnt working on his car he was practicing with his band leaving like zero time for us... us thats the funniest thing I think I have said in a long time...
Angela: If you think I care about you know who... well I dont
Rickie: I know its just... in case you were wondering
Angela VO: How does Rickie always know the answers to the questions I cant even bring myself to ask...
Angela: well maybe... I mean we could go if you want
Rickie: (getting a smile on his face) well yeah... I mean we could go for a few minutes...
Angela: So is Damen going to be there...(Damen is a new crush Rickie has... All summer)
Rickie: (kind of blushes) umm... I dont know... I mean I think so
Angela: Ooh ok so yeah... we could go
Rickie: ok
Danielle comes in right when they are talking
Danielle: What movie are you watching (plops on the couch next to Angela knocking over the bowl of popcorn)
Angela: Danielle!!!
Danielle: What... Sorry
Angela: (holding back from yelling) its ok... were watching... Rickie what are we watching again
Rickie: Days of Thunder...
Angela: ooh thats right... your choice for tonight...
Rickie: shut up... you like Tom Cruise just as much as I do
Danielle: well can I watch
Rickie: You know it is getting pretty late... Im gonna go
Angela: umm ok... so tomorrow night...
Rickie: yeah umm ... we can just meet there...
Angela: (kissing him goodybye) ok see you there
Danielle: So whats tomorrow night?
Angela: (looking at her like she is going to burn a whole through her) nothing... dont forget to clean up the popcorn... Im going upstairs
Danielle: geez... I just wanted to spend time with you (while Angela walks up stairs)
Patty is in her room on the phone with Graham and as Angela walks bye she hears there conversation
Patty: How are things going tonight?
Graham: We are real backed up right now...
Patty: Well what time are you going to be home
Graham: What...
Patty: What time are you going to be home tonight
Graham: ooh well I dont know... late
Patty: again... Graham are we ever going to have dinner again as a family
Graham: look Patty... Im sorry... I have to go... I will be home as soon as I can be
Patty:(hearing a click before she can say goodbye) ok... bye
Angela VO: Ever scince my father had decided to open a restaurant with Hallie him and mom have been fighting...
Angela: (Walks into her moms room) umm... mom
Patty:(kind of trying to hide how sad she is) yeah... what is it...
Angela: Tomorrow night theres this thing...
Patty: what thing?
Angela: well me and Rickie we were going to just go out for a few hours
Patty: umm ok... be home by 11...
Angela: umm ok... and mom
Patty: What...
Angela: umm nothing just thanks
Angela VO: I couldnt ask her what I really wanted to know... which was why she and dad have been fighting like constantly (leaving the room)
Outside the Chase/Krakow Houses Night
As Rickie is leaving the Chase house and is waiting for his ride we see Brian and Rayanne coming outside from his house and they dont see Rickie but Rickie does see them and what they do
Rayanne: So Krakow... like thanks and everything... I mean you know for helping me out
Brian: umm... it was no problem really... I mean whatever
Rayanne: so... your like not going to tell anyone right
Brian: (looking at her kind of hurt but also upset) no... I mean you like think I want people to know either
Rayanne: Well thanks...
Brian: im... im sorry... Im just
Rayanne: no its ok... its just that I really needed help... you are like the only person I could turn to
Brian: umm... So do you have a ride?
Rayanne: yeah... Tino should be here in a minute
Brian:so umm like... I mean I heard there is a party or something tomorrow...
Rayanne: Krakow... I did know you wanted to be such a wild child
Brian: no its just... you know
Rayanne: well scince you helped me out and all... you know you could come... I mean if you want
Brian: no... I mean... maybe
Rayanne: well... whatever
Brian: (staring up at the moon) Rayanne...
Rayanne: yeah
Brian: you know you look... really nice... I mean pretty in the moonlight
Rayanne: Krakow! dont say stuff to me like that
Brian: sorry... i mean.. I was just
Rayanne: you were what
Brian: I mean I was just
they both are like gazing into eachothers eyes and they kiss for a brief moment hearing Tino pull up
Rayanne: gotta go
Brian: umm... ok... see ya
Rayanne: (gets into the car) i cant believe I just did that
Tino: what...
Rayanne: nothing... just drive
Brian goes back into his house and Rickie is standing on the other side of the street as Katimpski pulls up
Rickie: oh my god
Brian is already inside and then Rickie and Katimpski drive off
Restaurant Night
Its closing at the restaurant and Hallie and Graham are fighting
A loud bang comes from the kitchen... Seth who is the new dishwasher has broken yet another plate
Hallie: What was that?
Graham: Im pretty sure it was the new dishwasher you hired...
Seth: umm sorry about that...
Graham: Seth... why dont you go home now... (saying it with a slight anger in his voice)
Seth: but there are still a pile of dishes left...
Graham: its ok... I will finish them... just go
Seth: ok... and again thanks
Graham: Hallie!... we have to talk
Hallie: what is it...
Graham: look... I understand that we are behind and low on staff at the moment but did you have to hire someone so... clumsy
Hallie: well what was I suppose to do... like you said we are low on staff
Graham: also low on dishes...
Hallie: look... I know that everything at the moment is not that perfect but im sure in time things will pick up
Graham: look... Im to tired to talk about this right now...
Hallie: why dont you go home... I will finish up here
Graham: I think I will take you up on your offer
Hallie: Goodnight
Graham: night...
Angelas Bedroom Day
Angela and Sharon are in Angelas Room just talking
Angela: So... you broke up with Kyle
Sharon: yeah... I mean I just knew that I could not keep on lying to myself... what about you...
Angela: what about me...
Sharon: come on... you and Jordan Catalono
Angela: I dont really want to talk about... I mean its just that we have hardly seen eachother this summer and I just dont know...
Sharon: ooh so he didnt tell you... I mean about this summer
Angela: no... what about this summer
Sharon: well... I mean I told you I was going to sign up for turtoring
Angela: yeah... and
Sharon: well... I mean he was being tutored this summer... he didnt tell you
Angela: ooh... I mean its not like we tell each other everything I mean... I
Sharon: yeah... I mean maybe he just wanted to like keep it a secret or something
Angela: well anyway... are you going to that thing tonight
Sharon: what thing?
Angela: ooh... Rayanne said that Tino was having like a party
Sharon: well I mean if you are going I will...
Angela: ok... well I mean I was going to get a ride with Rickie so we can all go together...
Camille and Patty are in the Kitched just talking
Camille: So... how are things going at the print shop
Patty: you know as good as they can be... we are short staffed and things are backed up a bit but its only normal this time of the year
Camille: and what about the restaurant...
Patty: I wouldnt know... Graham has only been around along enough for us to say goodbye...
Camille: well they are just starting up... I mean it is just so good that they are keeping busy
Patty: I know its just that there are times when I wish that things were back the way they use to be...
Camille: I know you dont mean that
Patty: I know... I was just hoping that things would get back to normal after a while...
Camille: well I guess we should be going... Sharon!!!
Patty: ooh really... do you have to right now...
Camille: yeah... we have a thousand arrends to run before tonight
Sharon and Angela come downstairs
Sharon: umm mom... theres this thing tonight... I mean me and Angela were going to hang out tonight
Angela: yeah can me and Sharon go out tonight
Patty: (looks at Camille) I dont see why not
Camille: ok... you will call if you are going to be late
Sharon: thanks mom (Angela and Sharon go back upstairs as Camille and Patty say goodbye)
Patty: ok... so I will talk to you later
Camille: ok bye
Patty: bye
Parking Lot Day
Rayanne and Rickie are in a parking lot waiting for there ride and they talk
Rickie: So where were you last night?
Rayanne: I was with Tino...
Rickie: sure you were...
Rayanne: what are you getting at vasquez?
Rickie: ohh well I was at Angelas last night and well
Rayanne: and what
Rickie: well I saw you and Brian
Rayanne: ooh well... it was nothing... I mean its just that like we were
Rickie: (has a huge smile on his face and starts to laugh) so you and Brian...
Rayanne: No... I mean it was just... it like was... just shut up ok
Rickie: ooh ok...
Rayanne: you dont understand... he was helping me with this thing I was working on and we just happend to kiss... its not like it meant anything... it was just like a mistake
Rickie: whatever you say
Rayanne: so... vasquez... what about you .... I happen to know that there is someone you like have it for
Rickie: what... who told you
Rayanne: no one... I just see you look at him
Rickie: look I dont want to talk about it...
Rayanne: so then you will come tonight... he will be there
Rickie: I know... I mean I will come... Angela is to
Rayanne: so does chase know to... I mean what you do
Rickie: no but if you want me to tell her I will...
Rayanne: no... if you tell anyone I will kill you
Rickie: ok I wont... your secret is safe with me (smiling and laughing)
Rayanne: ohh shut up...
The Chase House Night
Patty is in the kitchen with Danielle and Graham comes home for a quick minute
Danielle: Whats for dinner?
Patty: Chicken and Rice... Its just the two of us tonight
Danielle: where else is everyone going to be...
Patty: umm... Angela is going out with Rickie and Sharon and your father is at the restaurant...
Danielle: so maybe we can watch a movie or something...
Patty: sure we can... why dont you go look and see what we have
Graham: hey... whats for dinner
Patty: ohh so are you going to stay
Graham: no... I have to get back... but it looks good
Patty: ok... well what time are you going to be back
Graham: ooh im not sure but late
Patty: ok well... bye
Graham: bye
Danielle: ok I picked out a movie
Patty: what... ok I will be in in a minute
Danielle: mom... is somthing wrong
Patty: no... its nothing (as danielle leaves she starts to cry)
Tinos House Night
Rickie Angela and Sharon all show up together
Rickie: so Sharon... living on the wild side
Sharon: Ive been to partys like this before
Angela: (looks at her) sure you have
Sharon: Shut up I have been...
Rickie: so... (sees Damen)
Angela: so theres you know who
Sharon: who...
Angela: ooh no one...
Rickie: (looks at Angela) ooh and theres you know who (seeing Jordan)
Angela: so... I told you I didnt care
Rickie: (looks at her) sure you dont
They all smile at eachother and laugh
Rayanne sees them and is worried Rickie told them
Rayanne: so what are you guys laughing at... Rickie told you didnt he... I mean it didnt even mean anything... it was just a kiss
Rickie: I didnt tell them
Sharon: tell us what
Angela: yeah... tell us what
Rayanne: ooh you didnt
Rickie: well I told you I wouldnt but if you want me to...
Rayanne: NO!! I mean... do you guys want something to drink
Sharon: sure... I mean I dont think one drink would kill me
Rayanne: alright Cherski...
Rickie: Ill pass...
Angela: yeah me to...
Rayanne and Sharon leave to go get a drink
Angela: so what cant you tell us
Rickie: ooh nothing... its just... I saw Rayanne last night leaving Brians house and they kissed...
Angela: what!... (laughing) are you serious...
Rickie: yeah but I said I wouldnt tell her so... dont say anything
Angela: ooh... ok (still laughing)
Jordan keeps looking over at Angela and Rickie...
Rickie: so are you going to at least talk to him
Angela: umm... not right now... (looks at him for a quick glance and then looks away)
Rickie: well you want to dance
Angela: umm... not really... but go ahead... I will catch up with you in a minute
Rickie: ooh ok... (a girl comes up to him and asks him to dance as Angela leaves)
Angela joins Rayanne and Sharon who are already on there second drink
Angela: So...
Rayanne: Angelika... Drink up
Sharon: yeah Angelika... your behind
Angela: no thanks I just...I think im gonna go get some air...
Sharon: ok... well dont worry about us... we will be fine (taking another drink)
Angela steps outside and sees Jordan smoking by his car
Angela: hey
Jordan: hey
Angela: so... how were things this summer...
Jordan: you know...
Angela: no I dont know... thats why I am asking
Jordan: well... I mean... I was just busy
Angela: to busy for me...
Jordan: it wasnt like that it was just... this summer I was taking tutoring...
Angela: yeah... I know... I mean you were
Jordan: yeah... it was like I wanted to you know try... or whatever
Angela: so... I mean how did you do...
Jordan: you know... the best I could... but I was like... I mean I missed you... or whatever
Angela: you did...
Jordan: yeah... I mean like I wanted to tell you but... it just wanted to do things on my own...
Angela: yeah... so...
slowly moving towards eachother to share a kiss...
Jordan: so... you want a ride home?
Angela: yeah... I mean... just let me go see if Sharon has a ride...
Jordan: ok...you want me to come...
Angela: no I will just be a minute
Back inside before Angela gets there Sharon and Rayanne are drunk and Rickie gets up enough courage to talk to Damen
Rayanne: so cherski... how does it taste
Sharon: better with every taste
Rayanne: hey cherski... that guy over there is checkin you out
Sharon: what guy...
Rayanne: that one over there...
Sharon: didnt you sleep with him (laughing)
Rayanne: I think so...(laughing) Angelika...
Angela: hey... so I have a ride so...
Sharon: so you and Catalono... shhh... its a secret
Rayanne: whats a secret...
Sharon: I dont know (totally drunk)
Angela: so Sharon... you want a ride...
Sharon: no Im good but thanks... Angelika...
Rayanne: yeah Angelika... I will give Cherski a ride...
Sharon: Yeah... Graff will give me a ride
Angela: are you sure?...
Rayanne: yeah... were sure... just go
Rickie is sort of in a corner just by himself and the Damen comes by to talk to him
Damen: Hey... your Rickie right
Rickie: yeah... I mean... hey
Damen: so... I mean you go to liberty right?
Rickie: yeah... Im going to be a Junior
Damen: yeah... me to... maybe we will have class together or something
Rickie: yeah... maybe
Angela sees Rickie and Damen and waves at him and smiles before leaving...
Jordan: hey...
Angela: hey...
Jordan: so... I heard you got your lisence...
Angela: yeah... I mean how did you know...
Jordan: I just do... so you want to drive? (dangling the keys in front of her face)
Angela: umm... sure...
Jordan: (grabs her waste) Just dont crash my car like last time...
Angela: I wont... I promise
They give eachother a quick kiss and get in and then as they are driving she has her VO and then she is changing the channel and sarah mclachlans fallen is on the radio and as the are driving the pass her fathers restaurant and she looks over and sees the unthinkable...

Angela VO: I once read somewhere the only way three people could ever keep a secret is if two of them were dead... I disagree with that... there are just some people who you can trust with a secret that is just so personal that you can actually like tell them without worrying... sometimes it takes a secret between two people to keep them like connected in this way that nobody else could ever even understand... then there are the secrets that can tear two people apart just by having them... There are even the secrets that some people have that will never see the light of day but when do you know when you have the right to tell someones secret... even if it is not your secret to tell

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

They are at a stop light and Jordan sees Angela staring out the window
Jordan: hey... Angela
Angela: yeah... I mean what
Jordan: green means go
Angela just stares on and doesnt say anything and then as Jordan sees something is wrong he also sees Graham and Hallie kissing...
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
so make the best of this test, and dont ask why
its not a question, but a lesson learned in time its something unpredictable, but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life

User avatar
grim4746
Krakow
Posts: 391
Joined: Aug 8th 1999, 2:14 am
Location: Canada

Post by grim4746 » Nov 27th 2003, 7:21 am

Overall I like the fanfic. though some may disagree, I think the direction you have taken the characters in is exactly where they were headed in the original series. I can't imagine that Graham would have been able to resist Hallie in the long run and would have eventually had an affair. I'm also glad to see you exploring the chemistry between Brian and Rayanne. I always thought these two had the potential for fireworks (hopefully you will get to that :)). Having not read all of your previous fanfic there are some gaps. Most notably I have no idea what secret Angela is thinking of in her final VO (though it's possible I've just missed something as it's been way too long since I've slept). Personally speaking I wasn't crazy about the end as I didn't understand the VO and I really don't enjoy reading song lyrics in fanfic, but that's just me, a lot of people like them and a lot of people use them. I doubt that Ricki would have ended up having a love interest so soon (though you do seem to be taking that slow and maybe i'm jumping the gun and Damen won't be a love interest at all) and I'm not sure how true to his character and life that is but nonetheless I'm glad to see it and I'm curious as to how you would portray Ricki as a boyfriend. It's hard for me to imagine. Would he be obsessive like he is with his unattainable crushes? Would he need to take on the role of caregiver like he does with Rayanne? I look forward to your interpretations. I hate that Sharon has started calling Angela "angelika" though I think it's a totally believable development. Sharon is so obviously trying to *be* Rayanne (I guess she thinks Rayanne is in colour).

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests