Need someone to listen or advice.

If you want to share some events in your life or thoughts about life in general with other MSCL fans or if you just want post a rant to let some steam off - this is the place.
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doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:54 am

Thanks you guys for listening and I kinda figured some stuff out about myself tonight and also some ideas of what i should do. I understand i still need to learn to express my feelings to people. Ill accept any other ideas or comments too. I really think i'll either try to talk to him about what he tells me or just tell him i need some time without him. Because looking back I tried touching base with him and talking to him about quitting my summer job not even two weeks ago.. we didn't end up talking because it happened so quickly that I was done with the job... But looking at what a few of you have said, I need to live life on my own, without him.

thanks you guys... i really have to go to bed.. it is almost two here and i need to get to sleep.. the tears are probably part of being tired too :sleeping: i love emoticons :-P
ill check again later.
thanks

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:56 am

doodles444s wrote: I understand that I am helping creating the problem and it is probably because i don't like causing trouble for other people.. which i have to learn.. so to bring it up with him it could open a discussin i dont want to have.. so i guess im bad and put it off.. i dont know at this point
I agree with what Gary said, but I think that you have realized what part of this issue is more your responsibility. As a perfectionist, you don't want any conflict in your life, but bottling it up (as you admitted to doing in your original post) is one thing that you really need to work on. Being angry, frustrated, annoyed, etc. are all normal feelings and they need to be expressed even if it means having a disagreement with someone. Even identical twins who are genetically the same do not agree all the time, so it's totally understandable for the rest of us to have different opinions, feelings, etc. and for us to admit these things. A fight is not the end of the world - sometimes it clears the air and is more helpful than pretending otherwise. If anyone is willing to walk away from your friendship simply because they disagree with you, then they aren't worthy of your trust and love, and disagreeing doesn't mean there has to be one person who is right and one person who is wrong. Let it out!

Regarding your ex - he is your ex, so remember what the Latin root for ex really means. He will always be in your heart, but that doesn't mean that your relationship with him should make you feel like this. It is good that you went away to school so that you could be in a new environment and find a new circle of friends who are not connected in any way to your ex. It can be hard to go home for the summer because sometimes it feels like as much as you have grown while away at college, you regress back to the same mental state when you are back at home (and it doesn't help that often your friends and parents treat you exactly the same way they did when you were in high school). If you still want to hang out with your friends from home this summer, you can avoid seeing your ex as much if you invite some of them to do something. Instead of a big group outing or party, call up one or two to see a movie or have girls night so that you can enjoy being with them without worrying that you might run into him. Getting over him and standing alone doesn't necessarily mean that you have to completely cut him out of your life, but it does mean learning how to live without needing his presence/advice/company.
Natasha aka candygirl :: MSCL.com

Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

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GaryEA
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Post by GaryEA » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:58 am

I'm glad we were able to help, even if a little. G'night!

(holy smokes! it's 2 a.m.!)

:sleeping:

Gary

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jellybean
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Post by jellybean » Jul 23rd 2003, 10:48 am

Hey doodles444s,

I know exactly how you feel. One of my friends was going through the same
boyfriend/ex-boyfriend problems that you are having and she got through it OK.
I think all the advice that you have got so far is spot on, that's what I told my friend as well.

Here's hoping you too will get through this, and just think of all the new sets
of ears that you have to listen to you!

JB

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Megs
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Post by Megs » Jul 23rd 2003, 11:39 am

I think that you got some wonderful, insightful, and well-thought out advice. Good luck!

What a great comunity we have here!
"I have all these dreams where I know exactly what to say. And you tell me, you know, that you forgive me."

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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:07 pm

Megs wrote:I think that you got some wonderful, insightful, and well-thought out advice. Good luck!

What a great comunity we have here!
Boy oh boy do we have Megs fooled :) ;)

Image

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Nothingman
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Post by Nothingman » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:25 pm

I feel so left out that missed this conversation last night :cry:, oh well.

I think Gary did an excellent job of explaining the nature of us perfectionists. I just want to strengthen a few of his points. First of all, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. If he is a true friend then he should be able to understand that you need some time by yourself. If he is reluctant to see you go, he doesn’t want to give up the emotional comfort you provide. Guys love to have their cake and eat it too. By continuing the current relationship he is victimizing you and you are victimizing yourself. His happiness is not worth victimizing yourself. Now I’m sure there is no malicious intent here and he is not a bad guy, but underlying truth is you are putting yourself in a situation where you are being taken advantage of and that is not healthy. That is why you have to put yourself first in this instance. By bettering yourself you will be able to give more to others in the long run, feel free to take the time to do it.

Secondly, if you want something back you are going to have to give something up. If you want control over your emotions back, you are going to have give up the current relationship you have with him. That means tearing it down and starting anew. Attempting to “fix” the current relationship will not work, molding into something different will not work, I’ve tried. This means that you will need to let him know that you have some unresolved issues about your former relationship that you need to work through and that he won’t be seeing you for a while (he’ll understand why eventually). And that hopefully once you work through them you will be able to form a new friendship. It sounds drastic, but sometimes we need that in our lives, the errors just keep compounding, and at some point we have to hit the Reset button. From you letter, it sounds like you’ve hit that point. You’ll come out a better person on the other side, I promise. Our lives are a journey and some paths we have to walk alone, have the courage to take the path you know is right for you.

If my suggestions sound harsh it is because they are meant to be a wake up call, not an attack on you or him, please don’t take them as such.
"To come to your senses, you must first go out of your mind." - Alan Watts

Guest

Post by Guest » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:18 pm

Thanks you guys for you ideas and support.. It does help and opens me up to new ideas. Don't worry too much about insulting me or being harsh by saying what you think and giving suggestions-- I won't take it like that unless someone decides to be insulting purposely, which I don't think will happen. :) (I was saying that jokingly)
Have a nice day.

Guest

Post by Guest » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:22 pm

Oops that was me-doodles444s- I am on a different computer and I forgot to sign in... :lol:

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Nothingman
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Post by Nothingman » Jul 23rd 2003, 3:48 pm

This helped me.
Ben Harper - "Walk Away"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/benharper/walkaway.html
"To come to your senses, you must first go out of your mind." - Alan Watts

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TomSpeed
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Post by TomSpeed » Jul 23rd 2003, 8:17 pm

Wow! There's lots of good comments in this thread. I don't really have anything to add. But I will echo some comments. He chooses to be with this other woman. He also wants to stay with her and be involved with you. It's a bad scene waiting to happen. Friends don't put their friends in messy situations. Distance is definitely the answer. I know it will be hard for you to leave him alone, but it's probably the best thing for you right now.
TomSpeed

Patty: If Rayanne's not seeing you, and we're not seeing you, who is seeing you?
Graham: And how much of you?
Angela: Dad!
Graham: Oh, I'm sorry! I asked a question about your life, didn't I? Woah, what came over me?
http://www.last.fm/user/TomSpeed/

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 10:26 pm

Thanks for your imput TomSpeed...
I've been watching all of you guys posting for a few months and I respect a lot of the things you guys write, whether it is about MSCL or about life in general. So I'm seriously considering your ideas :).. anyone else can keep them coming... It's kinda amusing because I keep thanking you guys :)..
Oh yea-- thanks nothingman for the song... I actually collect song lyrics from songs that I think express what I feel. That song fit perfectly. :) I'm thinking of designs to put some of these songs, poems and quotes up in my room.

:admire:

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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jul 23rd 2003, 10:30 pm

Then I will add to the lyric pile with the Dead Milkmen :lol: :twisted: :lol: :D

I Hate You, I Love You

What am I gonna do
When I get close to you?
Wanna hold you next to me
But you bring me misery

I hate you, but I love you [x2]

Let's go to see a show
Which one well I don't know
Will you make up your mind
Or are you gonna waste my time

I hate you, but I love you [x4]

Look back to the time we met
Were things better I forget
You acted different then
I thought you were a friend

I hate you, but I love you [x5]
I hate you, I love you [x2]
Yes, I do

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