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doodles444s
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Need someone to listen or advice.

Post by doodles444s » Jul 22nd 2003, 11:37 pm

Hey you guys,
I realize this sounds funny, but I see how andrewgd has kinda bounced his story off of you guys and I'd like to do the same thing. However this story is kinda long and maybe even boring. I just need an outside source of ideas and support about it. Because talking to some of my friends right now about it isnt really an option. I spent some time tonight just writing out my story and it ended up being long and winding, even though I tried not to be. So it is in Word right now and I'll just paste it in.. I just kinda wanted to... I dunno.. introduce it or see if anyone was interested in listening. It may even just be a stupid thing to write about.
I understand I haven't posted a lot, I just really like reading what you guys think.
Thanks-- I'll probably try to finish it up and send it in a little while.

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Post by andrewgd » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:00 am

Slap it up here... it seems as though people love gossip here. :)
"Your imagination, like a child, will explode with unrestrained possibilities for adventure."

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GaryEA
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Post by GaryEA » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:05 am

I'm sure we'd all like to offer you some input on whatever you have on your mind. My suggestion is to make sure what you've written is clear in it's writing and just paste it here. This forum is about your life, after all. :D

You may think it's stupid, others may relate to it. If there are any problems (inappropriate, too long, whatever, and I'm not saying that it will be), myself or any one of the mods will work with you to get it back on track.

Gary

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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:12 am

Put it on up here. My goal in life is to completely live vicariously through others :)

Andrews thread took on a life of it's own, yours might too, you never know.

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:12 am

Sorry-- I feel like an idiot. It's not really a big deal. It is more something that I can't really talk about with my friends. And I just need someone listen I guess.. sorry for the trouble. :)... I must sound like a nut..
Thanks

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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:14 am

doodles444s wrote:Sorry-- I feel like an idiot. It's not really a big deal. It is more something that I can't really talk about with my friends. And I just need someone listen I guess.. sorry for the trouble. :)... I must sound like a nut..
Thanks
Don't feel stupid, and you must be saner than andrew...he didn't even ask first ;) :P

Do what you want to do.

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:22 am

fnordboy wrote:you must be saner than andrew...he didn't even ask first ;) :P
Pffft, yeah. Andrew is so...oh, hi Andrew! I didn't see you there!

:lol:

:wink:
Natasha aka candygirl :: MSCL.com

Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

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Post by andrewgd » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:27 am

fnordboy wrote:Don't feel stupid, and you must be saner than andrew...he didn't even ask first ;) :P
Well, I did pose it as a question to begin with...so nyaaa! :P

Quiet odd when we're all online at once like this...

I think this story needs to be posted soon before there is too much anticipation. :D
"Your imagination, like a child, will explode with unrestrained possibilities for adventure."

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:27 am

I met this guy, Dean, like 5 years ago. My cousin had brought him over one night and it surprised me. I had only known Dean from school... he was 2 grades ahead of me. He was intimidating, pretty tall, and had long hair in a ponytail till a year before. He hung around with some people that were pretty tough also. (Just painting a picture for ya:)) The three of us had fun, we went downstairs and watched the red sox in my den. I didn’t realize how that night would change my life.
We eventually ended up talking and then started a relationship. I can’t even think of what to say first about our relationship, but I guess it would be that I loved him then and I still love him to this day. He and I had fun whether it was with the whole group or alone watching the red sox. We hung out a lot with my friend Lisa and her boyfriend, who was my cousin’s and Dean’s close friend. My parents loved Dean and trusted me with him where ever we went. This is going to be long so I won't get into all the happenings of our relationship.
He changed my life forever because he helped stop me from doing something harmful to myself. I was, and still am, a perfectionist in an extreme way. If I don’t get 100 on a test or ace a class I’m upset with myself. I had always kept my anger at people inside myself, figuring that telling them and having a conflict was worse than just keeping the feeling inside. That made me hold grudges in some ways and didn’t allow people to understand me. I would often scratch my arms really badly- when I would do something i thought was stupid, or get less than an A because I didn’t study enough, or that I wouldn’t let someone know what I felt when I had the opportunity. It happened with Dean one day because I was upset at him for something neither of us can remember and he tried to stay at my house but I was acting really down. He tried to find out what it was but I wouldn’t open up. Then he left kinda upset at me because he couldn’t help something if he didn’t know what it was. When he left I scratched myself. He saw and found out what I had done. He helped me realize i needed help and he was scared he could have a hand in that. We discussed it with my mom and then my mom and I went to my guidance counselor. She suggested a therapist and I went. I haven’t scratched myself since and it has been about 4 years. Although, I am still a perfectionist, I sometimes keep my anger in, and I do get the urge to do it sometimes. I know it isn’t right and that it won’t help in the long run. But he helped me through that whole experience.
After being together for a few months he had to go to bootcamp. We both had known it would come and we tried to make the most out of the time we had. The week before he went, and I know this is getting kinda personal, I told him I decided I wanted make love to him and have him be my first. He refused at first because he didn't want to take that from me and he was trying to look out for me.. but i told him my reasons and he agreed. He had never really brought it up, because he was pretty sure I wanted to wait. I had realized I wanted him to be my first and I would regret if I didn’t. I felt comfortable with him, I loved him and knew that he cared for me the same. We had decided to break up for the time he was in bootcamp, thinking it would be easier on us both. So knowing all this I took a day off from school a few days before he left (he had just graduated),went to his house, and crawled into bed with him. We spent most of the day at a zoo- being little kids, looking at the animals and just being free of the world and our worries. He left a few days later.
While he was gone we talked every day and decided to just continue our relationship. It seemed so foolish that we thought it would make it better to be technically “broken up.” He wrote me many letters, and I wrote him practically every day he was gone. On the day that he couldn’t call because he called his sister and mom instead.. He told his sister to call me and say he said hi.
So- after a couple months he hurt his ankle pretty badly and it was a repeat injury, so he was medically discharged.. He had told just one person about how he was coming home and he ws gonna surprise me with roses at Double wedding shower our whole group was invited to. But that friend let it slip that he was coming, so I went with his dad to surprised him and go pick him up at the airport. I brought some of his favorite food, drinks, and a rose.
We went to the double shower a few days later. A few weeks later he told me he was concerned with our relationship, because of our age difference and our life difference. As much as he cared about me, he felt he was making problems with my schoolwork and that he had a different life than I did. I wouldn’t be able to do the things he did with his friends and he didn’t want to not include me. I understand his reasons and thought they were somewhat right, but I also feel there could have been another answer. We remained friends and we tried hard to be as close as we were when we were together, which caused us to end up being affectionate and etc. We didn’t seem to want to let go. So for about two months after we said we weren’t together, but still hung out alone sometimes, acted like we were together, and called each other almost every day to catch up. Eventually that ended and we continued being just friends.
That was about 4 years ago. Since then we are still close and our group of friends are still together. We see each other kinda often because he has had a girlfriend for about 3 years. This girlfriend is, as he told me, just like me but 5 years older. He actually listed how we were alike. Needless to say it is an uncomfortable situation. One thing that doesn’t help is that I know she doesn’t really like me, is uncomfortable around me, and is jealous of me still being friends with him. And how do I know this, because he has told me that much quite a few times in the past few years. He went through a really bad time (anxiety attacks and depression cuz of stress of life and work) my first year of college (a couple years ago) and he called me for a few weeks. We talked for an hour a time. He later told me she thought he was cheating on her. He tells me when things are wrong with them. Some things are that- they aren’t getting along, she is pressuring him to have children and get married soon when he doesnt want kids, or that they aren’t having sex that often because he doesn’t have the urge/attraction (all of these at separate times). Now I am especially uncomfortable around her, knowing all of these things and also that she doesn’t particularly care for me. I guess in a way she has a reason to hate me, because I do still love him, but how can she be this insecure after 3 years of being with him.. And after 3 years, wouldn’t I have already went for him if I was going to. I couldn’t do that to them, even though it is tempting. It wouldn’t get me anywhere and it would hurt them both. It would put Dean in a horrible spot.
The other part of the story is how he is protective of me. I went out with this guy, who ended up being crazy, half a year after Dean. Dean told me exactly what he thought of the guy and our (Derric and I) relationship. And he ended up being right. He also has said stuff about when I wear things that are low cut. Like last summer I had a white shirt that had like a collar that would usually button up a few buttons but it didn’t have buttons and it went to like a V shape down a little (just trying to explain it a little). I also have this red shirt that is a little low cut and it has a lace up part over my chest. My mom likes the shirt and one of my former teachers that we went to visit liked it too when I wore it with an outfit (I had been dressed up more then I did in high school)- He said something about my shirt being so low cut when I wore each of them. I guess it wasn’t his place, and I told him that when he said it. I also told him he wasn’t my father.
My first year of college I had been thinking of getting my eyebrow pierced, but realized it was a little too noticable for my liking. I decided to get other piercing(s) instead because it/they can’t be seen and no one needs to know about it/them unless I choose to tell them, it was basically for me. ( I don’t know how much really can be said or needs to be about the kinda of piercing(s)) I told Dean and one of my friends that has like 6 piercings- 3 in his neck, 1 in his tongue and both his nipples. Dean offered to go in with me and I told him it was ok.. He had already seen all of me anyways and I would be nice to have someone there for me. That night he ended up bringing his girlfriend and she stayed in the waiting room with one of my roommates from school. That was a really comfortable night, but it was his decision and I purposely let him ask me to come in with me that night in front of her, I didn’t mention it before and would have gone in alone if he hadn’t said something again. Since then he feels free to ask about my piercing(s).
The Thursday before July 4th Dean had a party and it ended up just being a few of us. We were left alone for almost an hour while some went to bring someone home. We had a great talk about our past, when we were together. He told me he has always remembered the day we spent at the zoo and that other visits couldn’t compare to it. That he had needed that day with someone he loved before he went to bootcamp. He told me he spoke about me to the priest at bootcamp and had actually told him he foresaw marriage in our future. We talked about everything we had done together and the good times. He asked me some pretty personal questions about my relationships since him. I actually admitted that I have broken up with everyone since him. We spoke about his problems with his gf, which there are more of them. And then I tried to explain to him why i feel uncomfortable around his girlfriend. He didn’t seem to understand that he was part of the problem, probably because he had had a few beers and I wasn’t gonna try to explain the whole thing to him too deeply.
Basically I have told you guys this partly outta frustration. I know I can’t do anything really in the situation, because I can’t tell him how I feel. If I say something I would be trying to break them up. I just can’t do it and that would put him in a bad spot. He would have to decide, and if he didn’t have a problem saying no to me, then he would probably have trouble deciding to tell her or not. But how he acts with me sometimes makes me really confused. He seems to cross the line of friend or even ex-boyfriend, not necessarily in a bad way. I know that it has been a while since we were together. Our former relationship doesn’t mean we will work out/or that we won’t work out. I just feel we have both grown in the last 3 years and that we have grown more into what the other had needed at the time. He was a little more on the .... umm... rebel side than I was. I was nice and innocent. Now he is a lot more conservative. And I am a tiny bit more rebel. I looked back over the last few years recently and I realized I have morphed into what is more .. Umm... cant find the word... Basically more what is good for him.
Its just a frustrating situation because I am in contact with him still and we are still close. And I never know when he will pop up at a party or I’ll see him. And knowing how alike his girlfriend and I are. And that there are these problems, like her need for children, that won’t be solved and that he has been talking about for a couple years.. I guess I’m just fed up.

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:29 am

Jeez.. I sound a little dramatic at first.. sorry.. :)
In case you haven't realized.. i have a problem with apologizing too often ;).
Thank you guys
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared, and love me when I'm gone
Everything I am, and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down, even if I could

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:37 am

Ok-- now that you guys all know I am crazy.. jk-- sorry it was a really long post :)

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:38 am

Well, there are a lot of things I want to say so they won't be in any particular order.

First, does he know how you feel about him?

In general, I would say that if he is in a relationship with someone else then he is making a choice not to be with you. The fact that you have remained so close might be an indication that he is getting the best of both worlds here - she is the official girlfriend but you are providing the emotional support of a friend which relieves him of the responsibility of holding you back from living your life (and I do understand his logic behind that).

Whether he is happy or not in that relationship is his business and his responsibility. Every day that he is with her, he CHOOSES to stay with her no matter who much he complains about it or how unhappy he is.

I think one of the important decisions is what you want from him. If you are happy to be only his friend with the intent of never letting anything happen between you two, torturing yourself by being near him but not having him, then by all means keep doing what you are doing.

If you want to be with him, then you can do one of two things: (1) tell him or (2) wait until he breaks up with this girlfriend and then tell him.

I understand that you are fed up, but what exactly are you fed up with?
Natasha aka candygirl :: MSCL.com

Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

JPP13
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Post by JPP13 » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:44 am

Hey doodles, moving through life is the most supremely difficult thing one can do. I know about the scratching, or the cutting. And I know how hard things can be.

That said, as a guy, I would chime in that guys are pretty f%^*ed up. And just because he is older, does not mean that he knows better.

My 2 cents would be, and this is something you probably have already thought, that you should try a hiatus, either temporary or permanent from him. I think you need to prove to yourself that you are strong enough to stand on your own, without this guy. And you are, you just need to show it to yourself. You seem smart, and self-aware, and I'd have no doubt you'd be a great girlfriend for a ton of guys when you are ready, on your terms.

Sometimes people just appear in our lives because we need them for a specific reason. My thought is that you can always cherish him for what he has meant to you, and remember that as you move forward. But I think that you probably don't really need him anymore, if you stop and think about it.

Anyway, just my silly thoughts.

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:48 am

Now I feel like such a kid (not because what you said...) just because of how I am.
Kinda the whole situation.
I like our friendship and the fact that we can be friends. But when I discussed with him the problem between his gf and I, he said he understood both our points (i understand her point).. and that he understands me being uncomfortable with his girlfriend since we were together once. But I have indicated a few times I didn't need to know the intimate details of their relationship and he continues to tell me about her problem with me and their problems between each other. I know we are friends and I should be there for him about it. But if he understands how I could feel uncomfortable about it, then why would he let me in on these little details. I guess I just have to tell him a little more seriously that I don't feel comfortable knowing these things.
And when we were talking at his party he was saying things that were more towards flirting than things that a friend would say and about pretty personal things. And it frustrates me because I know it shouldn't let me hope, but it does.
It frustrates me that I even still care, which i know you guys can't do anything about...
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared, and love me when I'm gone
Everything I am, and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down, even if I could

doodles444s
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Posts: 38
Joined: Apr 2nd 2003, 12:29 am
Location: MA(home)/RI(school)
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:54 am

Responding to JPP13-
I agree with you alot. It is hard because we are in the same group of friends. I could manage to not see him by not going to his house when he invites me with all the group, but aside from that I can't control when I see him. However, when I go back to school it could be different. I usually come home every weekend to see my friends from home- I feel more comfortable hanging out and going to their parties and people i don't really know at school. I have some close friends with the art department that I should start spending more time with. So i may take your suggestion and try to stay at school a lot more this year. It will be a break from him and I will realize I can live without him... and probably the rest of my group to.

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