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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jun 4th 2003, 2:29 pm

Math rules!

The old college rule was if the distance was greater than 100 miles, then whatever happened, happened.

:shock:
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Post by andrewgd » Jun 6th 2003, 12:17 am

Newest quandry:

So far, I've initiated all the AIM talks and the two times we got together to do something. Now, once, I start talking with her on AIM, she's really talkative, but she's never initiated that herself.

This is starting to bug/worry me. So, do flat out ask if she really wants to do stuff, and just isn't the type of person to initiate stuff? Or do I not start any conversations or call her and see if she will? (I hate that though. Girls have done that to me, and its just 'playing games'). Or do I just keep initiating things?

Every time I send a message I cringe, cause I almost feel like I'm bugging her. Not that anything she's said indicates that.

On another note, if I ever feel the need to ask, would a MOD be kind enough to delete the thread? I doubt I will, it'd just be nice to know I could. :)
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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jun 6th 2003, 1:32 am

She just might be one of those people who doesn't like to initiate things, or maybe she would think she is bothering you by IMing you. If you ask her she is just going to say that she is just going to say the above. And then you will just question if she is saying that to be nice, you can't win when it comes to the male mind trying to figure out a girl.

I think I would try not IMing her, or maybe go online and wait a bit to see if she starts it up. Of course the flipside to that is that she may be waiting for you to IM her and if you don't she might think you are busy and wouldnt want to IM you in case she would be interrupting... aghhh now you got me thinking in circles!!

I am sure one of us here would be willing to delete the thread or atleast dump it somewhere. Of course we would make you squirm beforehand :twisted:

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Post by andrewgd » Jun 6th 2003, 1:54 am

fnordboy wrote:aghhh now you got me thinking in circles!!
Exactly! I figure the best solution is to not think about it, and just do whatever I feel like at the moment. But I'm still open to suggestions.
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Post by Nothingman » Jun 6th 2003, 12:52 pm

IM relationships tend to move at a faster pace than RW relationships, yours has both making it especially complex. She may not be the type to initiate. She may be testing you to see how interested you are. She’d be taking a risk getting involved with you and abandoning the pbf just as you are taking a risk getting emotionally invested in someone who isn’t entirely single. She must feel like she would be the one risking a known thing with an unknown, and that she would have the most to loose. Anyway, my point is that she may not want to jump into anything or give you mixed messages on how fast she wants to pursue things. IMing also speeds things up because we talk longer, more frequent, and often about more personal topics than we would on the phone or in person. Ask yourself if how the frequency of you IM conversations compare to the frequency of phone calls if you were to make them.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much, as long as she seems happy to talk to you when you initiate the conversation. Also, I think their needs to be a balance to the amount of IMing. You want to talk enough to keep the upcoming BBQ in her mind, but not too much that you have nothing to talk about when you get there. Watch how much personal info you tell her, you don’t want to say too much at first, you got maintain those little mysteries about yourself so she finds you intriguing. Another reason to do this is it’s much easier to read her reactions about how much info you should divulge when you’re in person. A good rule of thumb is only get as personal as she does, you want her to be trying to figure you out as much as you are trying to figure her out. If you tell her everything you might end of in the “friend zone” never to return.

Think of yourself as a crossword puzzle, if you’ve only got 4 pieces they get bored and wonder off. And if you’ve got a 1000 pieces they get frustrated and find something else. You have to find that happy median. By offering little intriguing tid bits of your personality to the other person we allow them to fill in the gaps with their ideals, making you seem really great. Now granted, you can’t build a relationship on these delusions, but you can keep them interested long enough for one to develop. For example, she mentioned Indie music to you, and look how you ran away with that idea.

I’m not sure if any of this helps or even makes sense, but that’s my 2 cents on it, excuse my ramblings, I’ll shut up now.

Good Luck
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mglenn
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Post by mglenn » Jun 6th 2003, 4:09 pm

Comin in late here... but first off don't even worry about the pbf, I use to date a girl that lived with another guy! Ok granted it wasn't the most emotionally stable relationship I was ever in but it was certainly interesting and changed alot of things about me.

Second, don't worry about insulting her by what you say. Be yourself!!! She's not going to want to date a guy that says nothing but P.C. things. There's no excitement there. Women love a little bit of a bad boy! (I know candygirl, I'm givin away all your secrets! :D ) This is especially true if shes an "indie" girl like you've said. She doesn't conform, she not going to be put off by an idea or statement that doesn't fit with the rest of the world. My girlfriend is a teacher who teaches gifted kids, and now shes dating one. And as you can imagine our ideas on how the school system should work don't always agree. On the otherhand she has put a few of my reflections on growing up to good use in the classroom. These are the kinda thingsf that adds spice to the relationship (well that and a few other things that I won't tell my mother about :oops: )

This also plays into not getting into the "Friends Zone". Don't be afraid when you're at Borders, for example, to pull out the karma sutra book and wink at her. You might not be jumping in the sack with her right away. But you want the sexual tension to be just below the surface. I'm not talkin about being a male pig here. Its just that you want to let her know that you see her as attractive and that you do think about her that way. Sure fire way to get into the friends zone with most girls is to always be the perfect gentalmen and never let her know that you see her as the most incredibly sexy girl you've ever layed eyes on.

On the bit of when to IM her... whenever you feel like it. If she's not ignoring you or trying to get offline when you do, then you're ok. Second (warning male secrets ahead: ) Be sympathetic to her issues, if she brings up something bad about pbf don't directly insult him. Instead tell her about the similar situation you had when you were treated like that and how it didn't work out and how you understand how it feels. The idea here is not that you're pushing your views on her, just that you are reenforcing the views she already has... For some strange reason women have feelings on EVERYTHING and the even stranger part is that they expect us to have them too! :angelwings: (Oh I'm going straight to hell for that one! :D )
"When I disagree with a rational man, I let reality be our final arbiter; if I am right, he will learn; if I am wrong, I will; one of us will win, but both will profit." - Ayn Rand

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Post by lance » Jun 7th 2003, 9:39 am

mglenn wrote: Second, don't worry about insulting her by what you say. Be yourself!!!
I totally agree with this!

For some strange reason women have feelings on EVERYTHING and the even stranger part is that they expect us to have them too! :angelwings: (Oh I'm going straight to hell for that one! :D )
LOL! I don't think you're going to hell, smacked by some women folk maybe :wink: , but not hell.

I think that some women, mine included, expect guys to express these feelings. Brooding, being moody or silent occasionally bothers some women.

Best,

Lance Man

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jun 7th 2003, 8:12 pm

lance wrote:Brooding, being moody or silent occasionally bothers some women.
Especially the paranoid ones who begin imagining all of the ludicrous things you are thinking every second that you aren't verbalizing. The correct answer to "What are you thinking about?" is ALWAYS "How much I love you!"

:wink:
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Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

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Post by JPP13 » Jun 7th 2003, 8:16 pm

What a great thread (I never wander over here).

I love an indie chick. :) I'd gladly give you some suggestions for a CD, I'm all about indie rock. Let me think about what'd she like. Bettie Servert and Rainer Marie jump to mind. Maybe name-drop those 2. If she bites, I'll give you a slew. If thats too out there, try something more mainstream like AFI or All-American Rejects.

Good luck with everything.

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Post by andrewgd » Jun 8th 2003, 4:58 am

First off, thanks for the input Nothingman. It was definitely something to think about.
mglenn wrote:Don't be afraid when you're at Borders, for example, to pull out the karma sutra book and wink at her. You might not be jumping in the sack with her right away. But you want the sexual tension to be just below the surface. I'm not talkin about being a male pig here. Its just that you want to let her know that you see her as attractive and that you do think about her that way.
I guess that's always been a problem. My mother made sure to instill a large amount of respect for women in me. Which means that I may just bury all the sexual urges because I'm worried it would offend. Lately I've come to realize that its ok to show one's sexuality to people that you're not dating...thats what makes it exciting. The girls I've dated started as friends for the first few days/weeks, and it just kinda happened to go further. There wasn't a persuit, and the sexuality grew from cuddling to touching to kissing and up...

I should learn not to try to add entries at like 5 am. I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore. :)

Anyways, we went to see Finding Nemo tonight, and then afterwards came back to my house where my brother was watching Se7en with a bunch of his friends (some of whom she's worked with). She hadn't seen it before, so it was cool getting her reaction to that.

Afterwards I had to ask her, I had been the only one initiating getting together, and I wanted to make sure she wasn't just being polite by coming along. I guess lately she's been in an apathetic mood, and hadn't called any of her friends. But she's had a "really good time hanging out".

So, once again, yay!

Hmm, it just hit me again how absolutely horrible it would be if she found this thread. I may go through and edit my posts to remove any indentifiable information....
"Your imagination, like a child, will explode with unrestrained possibilities for adventure."

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Post by pgh kenny » Jun 8th 2003, 11:20 am

Is there some way to carry on the thread in a less public way? There must be someway to have a hidden thread. If someone can think of a way, everyone who has participated thus far could be pm'd a way to access it... but at any rate, if it were me, I'd probably be worried that she would find it eventually. Google knows no boundaries.

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Post by lance » Jun 8th 2003, 1:26 pm

candygirl wrote:
lance wrote:Brooding, being moody or silent occasionally bothers some women.
Especially the paranoid ones who begin imagining all of the ludicrous things you are thinking every second that you aren't verbalizing. The correct answer to "What are you thinking about?" is ALWAYS "How much I love you!"

:wink:

:rofl:

:wink: I mean, yeah, that's the ticket.

Best,

Lance Man

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jun 8th 2003, 5:11 pm

I think it's really cool that your mom taught you to respect women and not objectify them, but I agree with Mike. You want to be careful - if you give off absolutely NO sexual vibe whatsoever, then you might slide right into the "just friends" category indefinitely. I'm not suggesting that you order some pay per view porn the next time she comes to visit, but you want to be clear that you are interested in her as more than just a friend (unless you're going for the "gay friend" vibe as discussed in Threesome).

As far as your role in taking the initiative here, it's possible that she is a girl with traditional values and sex roles, meaning that she believes that boys do the pursuing. I know that you said she is an indie girl, but I met lots of girls in college who were indie/alternative/women's studies feminists but still didn't want to be the aggressors in relationships. It's also possible that she felt the same way you did - not wanting to come off as overly interested/obsessed/annoying and giving you the opportunity to be online without feeling obligated to talk to her every single time you both happen to be logged in. See? You are both being so considerate!

:D
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Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

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Post by Nothingman » Jun 9th 2003, 11:11 am

Andrew, I know this isn't ideal, but in an effort to maintain your privacy, you could edit your posts using the spoiler command. Most people who would stumble on to the site wouldn't know how to use it.
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Post by fnordboy » Jun 9th 2003, 12:10 pm

nothingman wrote:Andrew, I know this isn't ideal, but in an effort to maintain your privacy, you could edit your posts using the spoiler command. Most people who would stumble on to the site wouldn't know how to use it.
I don't know about that, a fair number of other forums have used the spoiler tag (and other variations) for awhile before it was implemented here.

It is not that big of a deal really, nothing bad has been said here, and if anything it shows his feelings for her. She blogs so she would understand the need/want to get your thoughts "out there".

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