The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week - by Kim

[Natasha (candygirl)]

more LHotP!:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Laura falls in love with Almanzo. It starts out with Nellie graduating from school because she took her exams early (this is important later), and then her parents buy her a restaurant to try to make her more attractive for a husband, which proves that even Nellie's parents know that Nellie is a stone cold bitch.

Anyway, Laura meets the new teacher's brother, Almanzo, and thinks he's so dreamy that when he says that she can call him by his nickname, Manny, she accidentally calls him Manly. Hee! Although it's weird that he claimed his nickname was Manny since not one person on the show (except Laura) ever calls him anything but Almanzo.

But then Harriet Olson gets wind of a new bachelor in town and tries to set him up with Nellie for a dinner date. The only problem is that Nellie can't cook. So Laura volunteers to cook the dinner secretly, and Almanzo says he wants cinnamon chicken, which sounds totally disgusting if you ask me, and Laura substitutes cayenne pepper for the cinnamon, with predictably slapstick results for Nellie and Almanzo's date. But Almanzo wasn't into Nellie anyway, so it all worked out for everyone but Nellie. And Harriet.

Then Ma and Pa make Laura apologize to Nellie, and Harriet gasps and tsks and it's pretty awesome, but Laura runs away when they try to get her to apologize to Almanzo. So Pa has a heart-to-heart with Laura and tells her that she's not an adult yet, but that she will be when she becomes a teacher. Laura, as usual, takes this totally literally and decides that she needs to graduate and become a teacher immediately. So she borrows Nellie's books to study, and Nellie tells Laura that there wasn't any history on the exam when she took it. So then Laura studies everything but history and on the day of the exam, Almanzo wishes her luck with a kiss on the forehead. Nellie sees this and tells Almanzo that she's going to bring him some cookies at his house later that day.

So Laura takes the test -- which of course has a ton of history questions on it -- and runs out crying. As she's sitting in the woods having a good cry, she spots Nellie walking back from her cookie delivery to Almanzo. So Nellie totally rubs it in that she was at Almanzo's house, and Laura confonts Nellie about the history lie, and Nellie smarms it up, and Laura grabs Nellie and tosses her into a nearby pond. So then they start wrestling in the mud! And it was so awesome! And just to make it better, Almanzo picks that moment to drive by and breaks up the fight and Nellie says that Laura will be sorry, and Almanzo takes Laura to his house to get cleaned up, which prompts an excellent slow burn which leads up to a full-fledged temper tantrum from Nellie complete with flailing about in the mud. And the music in the background was a zany version of "Wait 'Til The Sun Shines, Nellie" so props to the music department.

So then Harriet shows Ma and Pa how muddy Nellie is and they totally laugh, so Nellie says that Laura attacked her because Nellie saw Laura and Almanzo kissing. So Pa gets all pissed off and takes off to Almanzo's house with Jonathan Garvey. So Pa knocks on the door and starts punching Almanzo. Laura explains what happened, and Almanzo says that Laura's just a little girl. So Pa and Laura both feel like crap. Pa apologizes to Almanzo, and Laura yells that she's a woman, and then runs out and slams the door, because that's an adult thing to do. Which Ma points out, and tells Laura to start acting like a woman if she wants Almanzo to notice her. So then Pa and Laura make up and go fishing, and Laura voice-overs that she knew someday she would be Laura Ingalls Wilder, although frankly, the way Almanzo was portrayed in the show, I'm not sure why Laura thought he was such a good catch, but then again her alternatives were, like, Willie Olson or Albert, I guess. But the whole thing was awesome.

Quick Poll

If not for Almanzo, who would Laura have married?
Willie Olson
Andrew Garvey
Her adopted brother, Albert
I have no idea who any of those people are

[Natasha (candygirl)]

Marciamarciamarcia!

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of The Brady Bunch where the kids at Marcia's school nominate a dumpy plain girl named Molly to be some hostess of some banquet, like, were schools in the 1970s really that boring or did the show just make things like that up? Who has elections for a hostess for some banquet? It was probably just an opportunity for everyone to talk about how great Marcia is anyway. So Marcia decides to help Molly out with a makeover, and instead of telling Marcia to f*** off, Molly goes for it.

So Marcia does Molly's hair and makeup and makes her walk around with a book on her head, like, did that ever help anyone ever? So Molly is now apparently a knockout, although given the fashions on that show, it's hard to tell. But Greg and Peter practically pop boners when Molly walks in wearing a knitted sweater vest with an American flag on it, a micromini straight out of Marcia's closet, and knee socks. And of course, she got rid of her glasses. In the early 1970s, this meant that she was a hottie.

So then, of course, through some convoluted circumstances, Marcia has to run against Molly for the hostess gig, and feels a little bad, but not bad enough to decline the nomination. But then Molly turns into a total bitch, which is kind of awesome, and I missed the ending, but I can guess that Molly didn't win and had some sort of comeuppance and had to admit that the Brady way is the best way. Which always happens, so it's awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

The latest installments!

14.13

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. There was actually a tie for first place. The first one was during Average Joe: Adam Returns, and I realize that I am the only person watching that show. Anyway, Adam was on a golf date with some girl, and one of the former contestants from his season secretly pushed their golf cart into a pond. Not that awesome, but Adam's reaction was hilarious. He hopped about on one foot, and then dropped to the ground like there was incoming artillery fire. I rewound that about five times. The second most awesome thing was the painting of young Donald Trump hanging on the wall of Mar-a-Lago that appeared in this week's episode of The Apprentice. In case you didn't see it, it was an oil painting of the Trumpster, standing at attention like a young prince, looking better than Donald Trump has ever looked in his life. He looked like a Ken doll. Behind him was a beautiful sunset, and sunbeams were breaking through the clouds as if God himself approved of the grandeur of Trump. I paused the tape, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. And then we cried. And then we laughed some more. And it was awesome.

14.14

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Mary's baby dies. I know that sounds like a really sad episode, but given the show's ridiculous acting and musical cues, it was actually pretty awesome. See, Mary and Adam are having a fundraising picnic at the Blind School, and Albert and some other kid never seen again steal into the basement to try smoking a pipe, which they both totally inhale like it's a bong or something, but then Hester Sue totally busts them, so they run out and toss the lit pipe into a pile of oily rags on some sort of time-release mechanism, apparently. About fourteen hours later, Alice Garvey is helping Hester Sue clean up, and they decide to have some tea with Adam and Mary, but Adam smells smoke. Hester Sue goes to investigate and opens the basement door and flames are just flying out of there! Fourteen hours later! So they go to rescue all the blind kids and Mary runs out of the bedroom and just leaves her baby behind, like, what mother would do that, anyway? So Alice promises to get the baby, and she grabs it and it's so obviously a doll, the way that she's manhandling this alleged newborn, but then Alice has to go back to rescue some blind kid who's stuck in the bathroom and she ends up getting trapped in the fire and she totally uses the baby to break open the window, but it doesn't help and she and the baby die. Thankfully, Mary didn't have to watch the baby die, because she's blind.

14.15

And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. At first, I was going to tell you about this movie I watched called Nightscream, which seemed like it had a lot of potential because it was on Lifetime Movie Network, and it starred Candace Cameron Bure and Teri Garr, and it was supposed to be about a woman (CCB) who is possessed by the ghost of a murder victim. Sounds pretty awesome, right? But I started watching it and about halfway through I realized that I had no f***ing clue what in the hell was going on. And not in a "Oh, this movie has a lot of twists and turns and I wonder what will happen next" kind of way. More in a "Were the writers on crack when they came up with this s**t?" kind of way. First of all, they expected the viewers to just accept that CCB was possessed, like that happens every day in the normal course of things, and it was never explained, and no one was like, "Possessed by a ghost? That's crazy talk!" And then CCB's character was an identical twin (in terms of looks alone) to the dead girl, to the point where CCB played both roles, which is just a little bit unbelievable. And there were dream sequences in which CCB wore a white nightgown for no apparent reason other than that she was supposed to be a ghost. I don't know. So I stopped watching it. So The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week was when Julie lost in the Inferno and had to leave, because I spent the last three weeks screaming at the television, "I hate you, Julie!" and "f*** off, Julie!" and s**t like that, and I think my neighbors were about to call the cops. So Julie and her annoying big-toothed self can just f*** right off. Which is awesome.

Sharon!

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Her Last Chance, and it starred Becca Thatcher, and Patti LuPone played her mom, like way to go out on a casting limb there, producers, and is Corky going to play her brother? Which might have made the movie even more awesome. So anyway, Becca is a total druggie and alcoholic with her boyfriend, and they take acid and manage to run up a million flights of stairs and then stand on the roof of a building, but no one actually gets hurt, but then Becca gets busted and is forced to go to rehab, and her rehab counselor is Dharma from Dharma and Greg! And Jenna Elfman is the worst actress in the world. So the best part of the movie is watching Jenna Elfman try to practice tough love on the druggies, and Becca is all, "I'm not an addict" but she totally is. So she plays the game and gets out but her friends (including one Sharon Cherski) don't understand, and soon enough Becca has a relapse and goes back to rehab, but she's all into it this time. So when Becca gets out, she tries to break up with her boyfriend, who has been slutting it up with Sharon Cherski while Becca was gone, and her boyfriend hits her and then sits on a ledge somewhere, and after Becca leaves, you think that he falls off the ledge because he's all drugged up and he dies. So Becca is practically in jail, since she's the last person who saw him alive, but then at the very end, Sharon Cherski comes forward and admits that she killed the guy, because she was jealous, and there is a lot of crying, and I guess Sharon Cherski went to jail, although who really cares? Because it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

a slutty brat packer

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Those Secrets which starred Blair Brown as a whore. Well, in the beginning of the movie, you didn't know she was a whore, unless you read the description in the cable guide. So she meets this sports agent who is really creepy and gets married to him and she already has two kids which is never really explained and then it's their two-year anniversary and then they are building a house together and all of this happens in, like, the first five minutes of the movie and you're like, "The hell?" So then her husband cheats on her and tells her and instead of kicking him in the balls like a normal person, Blair Brown's reaction is, "Why did you tell me?"

So then her old friend, played by Mare Winningham, comes to visit while her husband is out of town, and Mare Winningham is a former whore trying to go straight. So then Blair Brown -- who had been working as a book jacket designer -- decides to get back into the whore business, and she starts having creepy sex with former clients, including her husband's best friend (that's how she met her husband) and some guy who makes her dress up like a geisha and this old couple who wants her to tie up the husband and they are seriously like eighty-five years old and I was worried someone would have a heart attack but luckily even Blair Brown got grossed out and ran out of the room.

So meanwhile, her daughters are figuring out that something is up, and one of Blair's clients beats the crap out of her and she goes home and her husband is there and she admits that she's a whore and he thinks it's just a figure of speech and she has to explain that she has sex for money and he leaves her. So then Mare Winningham goes back to whoring as well and ends up killing herself which scares Blair Brown into going straight and getting into therapy and she ends up getting back together with her creepy husband and did I mention that everyone in the movie acted like they were on Valium with their lack of affect? And my husband walked in and said, "This is like that Eddie Izzard routine with Sebastien and the matches" and he was totally right, and it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

This week's installment about an earthquake:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was NBC's two-night miniseries 10.5. I can only hope that you watched it too, because it was hilarious! As you can probably figure out from the title, the idea is that there's a giant earthquake that changes the geography of the west coast of the United States. Luckily, it doesn't affect Canada or Mexico at all!

In the beginning, when they were introducing each character, the writers were very fond of the "make you think this is a regular person who will turn out to be very important" scheme. Like there were two guys playing basketball, and then a guy walks up and calls one of them "Mr. President"! He's the president! You thought it was just a guy playing basketball! And the other guy was the head of FEMA! And then there is a surgeon. But he's not just a surgeon. He's a cowboy. A maverick. He doesn't play by the rules. And he's the head of FEMA's son! And then there was a divorced dad (Bo Duke!) picking up his daughter while his ex-wife looks on. But she's no ordinary ex-wife. She's the governor of California! Genius. And then Kim Delaney played the earthquake expert with the wacky theory that no one believed, but of course she turned out to be totally right. And I kept hoping that as things got worse, she would go, "Man, I need a drink." No such luck. And, hey, if the entire west coast is in trouble due to massive earthquakes, is it a good idea to base your emergency earthquake tracking center, including the one person who can predict what will happen next, in California? Shouldn't they be in an underground bunker somewhere?

The special effects were really bad. The acting was cheesy. It would take me about fifty pages to go through all of the awesome parts, so I'll just leave you with this one: the head of FEMA, who was kind of an asshole, had a moment of clarity and decided to go into a hole and place a nuclear warhead closer to the fault line and save the world. Don't ask. But while he's in the hole, there's another earthquake and the nuclear warhead pins him in the hole. So he gets on the radio with the President, who gives him a giant pep talk, and at the last possible minute, the FEMA guy arms the warhead! Victory!

But then there's a giant earthquake anyway and thousands of people die, but you don't actually see any destruction from this giant earthquake. Instead, you just see people running around in the desert while the camera shakes. And then the earth stops crumbling about two feet away from Kim Delaney. And none of the major characters (except FEMA guy) dies. If they ever replay it, or if it comes out on DVD, I can't recommend it highly enough. You will laugh and laugh. What? It wasn't supposed to be a comedy. Well, it was anyway. Which is awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

14.19

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Why My Daughter?. It's about the girl named Diana, played by Jamie Luner, and her parents get divorced. So, of course, she falls prey to an unscrupulous character played by Jagger from General Hospital who convinces her to run away from home and become a stripper. Of course. So don't get divorced, parents, or your daughter will become a stripper! But it gets worse. Her mom decides to go looking for Diana, and she walks into the strip club at the exact moment that Diana is on stage! What a coincidence!

So then Diana makes the natural progression and becomes a whore, and the first time she has a trick, guess what she does? Celebrates with a steak dinner? Spends the money on diamonds and furs? No! She takes a shower and sobs because she can't wash away her shame! Come on. Are you new? So after a while, Diana can't take the whoring anymore, so she goes home with her mom, but can you guess what happens next? That's right. Diana meets back up with Jagger and goes back into prostitution, and they run away to San Diego.

So Diana's mom goes looking for her, and in Jagger's old apartment, she finds a newspaper, with an article about San Diego circled! How helpful of Jagger to leave Diana's mom a clue like that! So then Diana turns up dead, and the rest of the movie involves Diana's mom trying to prove that Jagger murdered Diana, which she does, with the help of a detective played by Jim Walsh from 90210. But really, once the whore part is over, the movie is pretty boring. But the whoring and the stripping were awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

what would Donna say?:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie called Unwed Father, starring Brian Austin Green, a.k.a. David Silver. So David Silver was in a band (naturally), and he hooked up with Sue Scanlon in a weird bit of 90210 crossover, and they totally did it, and then Sue Scanlon got knocked up. So Sue Scanlon tried to get David Silver involved, and he was like, "Whatever, it's probably not even mine." So Sue Scanlon and her best friend (Emma from Kate & Allie) went to the abortion clinic, but Sue Scanlon chickened out. Cut to ten months later: Sue Scanlon is trying to raise the baby alone and her mom is a total bitch about it, yelling at Sue because the baby cries, like Sue can help it. So Sue gets fed up and dumps the baby at David Silver's house. And he's rich and lives with his parents. So David Silver tries to dump the baby on Social Services, but they're like, "Hello, we have to help babies who don't have rich dads who are just too selfish to take care of their children." So David goes and gets a DNA test and his father hires a nanny while they are waiting for the results. So then David's stepmother gets sick of the kid crying and convinces David's father to kick David out of the house. So then David has to get a real job, and of course somewhere along the way, he learns to love the baby, and this is exemplified by the time he is carrying the baby and his guitar and amp to his houseboat, and he trips and saves the baby and lets the guitar fall into the water. See how caring he is? So then Sue Scanlon comes back and wants the baby back, but David Silver is like, "No, I love him now!" And then the movie goes on way longer than it needs to, because of course they work out a custody agreement and live happily ever after. And it was awesome.

[Megs]

a slutty brat packer

This one made me LOL.

[Megs]

what would Donna say?:

Hahaha, I saw this one. Awesome. Who was Sue Scanlon on 90210?

[grim4746]

Sue Scanlon is little sister to Scott Scanlon, David's friend who accidentally shot himself at his birthday party. She was played by Nicholle Tom, who later appeared on The Nanny as the oldest daughter and voiced the Amy character on Futurama. My memory of Sue's story is kind of fuzzy I think Donna was her "senior buddy" or something like that and Sue may have been a rape victim. I don't think Sue was ever featured after the cast left high school. At the time I was hoping for a spin off featuring Sue, I always thought she was under used.

[Megs]

Sue Scanlon is little sister to Scott Scanlon, David's friend who accidentally shot himself at his birthday party. She was played by Nicholle Tom, who later appeared on The Nanny as the oldest daughter and voiced the Amy character on Futurama. My memory of Sue's story is kind of fuzzy I think Donna was her "senior buddy" or something like that and Sue may have been a rape victim. I don't think Sue was ever featured after the cast left high school. At the time I was hoping for a spin off featuring Sue, I always thought she was under used.

Ahhh... I remember now, thanks!

Edited to add:

Wasn't she hopelessly in love with Brandon? But who wasn't, right? Or was it David? Wow, I am ashamed of myself and my lack of 90210 knowledge.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

14.23: like sands through the hour glass...

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. In college, I used to watch Days of Our Lives because my roommate did, and I was in the room at the time, but then I was hooked. And when my husband and I first started dating in college, he would come over for lunch and watch the show with us. But then we both graduated and stopped watching. But I heard that James E. Reilly was returning as head writer, and he created the "Marlena is possessed" storyline, which was so ridiculously awesome that it frightened me, so I had to start watching again. Plus, the summer is always the best time to watch soaps because they focus on the teen storylines to attract the kids who are out of school.

So right now, Marlena and a bunch of other boring people (like Roman and Abe) are presumed dead, but really they are on an island somewhere, and on the island is an exact replica of Salem. Which is genius, because they didn't have to build a whole new set -- they just stuck some palm trees in the regular set, which was awesome. And the other thing that my husband and I enjoy looking for is how any male will find any excuse to remove his shirt. Seriously, each day at least half of the male cast members are running around without their shirts on. Sometimes they just got out of the shower, or sometimes they are being held captive in a cage by an insane chick dressed as an old lady, but sometimes they just don't have shirts on for no apparent reason.

But truly the most awesome thing happened on Friday. Bonnie opened this honkeytonk bar, and Rex and Philip (played by Kyle from the Chicago season of The Real World) were bartending. And suddenly this musical montage started where Rex and Philip went all Cocktail and started flipping bottles around, and people were line dancing, and the camera was zooming in on a neon sign, and then Belle and Philip were riding the mechanical bull together, and then there was more bottle flipping and everyone was cheering and I kept saying, "This is NOT happening." But it was, and it was awesome.

[MyLifeIsBrians]

LMAO. That was so hystrical. I loved it.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

To make up for not doing an installment of TMATISOTLW in the last recap, Kim did two for the San Diego season finale:

And now it's time for the first Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. Since I'm doing two this week, I thought I would use the first to mention a few awesome things I've seen on TV lately that you could watch now that you will have a half-hour hole in your schedule every week. The first awesome show that you should totally be watching is Blow Out on Bravo. It's supposed to be the story of what happened when celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin decided to open a second salon in Beverly Hills. In the first episode, they tried to set up a Puck-like hairdresser named Brandon as Jonathan's nemesis, in order to introduce some conflict to the situation, but then Jonathan fired Brandon, and not a moment too soon, because the true conflict lies in watching what a douchebag Jonathan is, and how horribly he treats his staff, and his general clueless tool behavior. Each week, people cringe when they deal with him, and he has no idea. He throws temper tantrums and hissyfits, and expects everyone on his staff to kiss his ass at all times, and as long as you don't have to work for him, it's awesome.

The other show that you should be watching is Cheap Seats on ESPN Classic. ESPN? But I"m not a sports fan! Don't worry. This show basically features comedians the Sklar Brothers giving the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment to ludicrous faux-sporting events from the past, like roller derby. At times, the Sklars' pre-filmed bits go on a bit long -- they should really stick to showing silly footage and making fun of it. But each episode features at least two or three jokes that make me laugh out loud, because I can't resist a smart-ass snarking on bad television. It also makes me jealous that I don't have their jobs.

Hasta la vista San Diego!

And now it's time for the final Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week of the season. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a made-for-television movie called Red Wind starring Miss Lisa Hartman (before she married Clint Black). So anyway, Lisa plays a psychologist who is also an expert in sexuality and S&M relationships. Of course. There are a lot of hints in the beginning that the reason she's an expert is because she has been in such a relationship herself.

Anyway, Lisa gets a new client -- a woman who is always shown in shadows -- who is being abused and sexually humiliated by her husband. So after they show shady woman for about one minute, I call my husband into the room and say, "That's a dude, right?" And he watches for five seconds and goes, "Yeah, obviously." So I spent the rest of the movie wondering how dumb Lisa was that she didn't know her client was a dude.

So anyway, the client tells Lisa how she's going to kill her husband and put him in the wood chipper in her back yard. As you do. And the title is from when the woman described how she would turn her husband into a red wind. Ew. So then Lisa goes to the client's house, and there's blood all over the wood chipper. So instead of calling the cops, Lisa runs around and screams and messes up the evidence and then goes home. So the cops come sniffing around, and Lisa denies involvement. And then Lisa mysteriously has a new client -- a man -- who knows a lot about the wood chipper lady's life. Wow, I wonder how that guy knew so much?

So Lisa falls into an abusive relationship with this guy, totally ditching her nice, normal boyfriend, played by Christopher "Shooter McGavin" McDonald. And then, there's supposed to be this big reveal where you find out that the male client and the female client are the same person, but anyone with eyes figured that out about ten minutes into the movie. And I haven't even mentioned the cigarette-smoking parking-lot attendant who helps the police and is the true star of the film. Which was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

Although TMATISOTTW is on hiatus until the Philly season of the Real World begins, I thought that that Wing Chun's recap of Center Stage would tide Megs over! It's pretty long (hey, it's a two hour movie!) so rather than copy and paste it all here, I'm just going to direct you to the entire recap. It was awesome to see someone acknowledge in writing the ridiculous lack of continuity in the dance finale.