A scene.....(I'd love opinions).....

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pat19btvs
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A scene.....(I'd love opinions).....

Post by pat19btvs » Nov 13th 2002, 11:46 am

Hi all. I wrote a scene a while back, and now that I'm seeing the show again, I'm considering continuing what I've started. It's after the final episode, in semi-script format. This is my first stab at MSCL fic, and I'd love to know what people think, and how far off the mark I am.

So here it is (If you read, thanks in advance):

SCENE - INT. ANGELA'S BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING

ANGELA is lying underneath the covers in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The blinds are drawn, meaning the room is almost completely darkened. Her alarm clock/radio is on, but the volume is low.

ANGELA [VO]: I'm seriously ill. I don't know what's wrong... exactly, but something just...is. Ever since I got in Jordan Catalano's car last night. Cause I wanted to ask him if he actually, you know, wrote it, but I couldn't, so we didn't talk. Or do anything. At all. Maybe it's not knowing that makes me wanna vomit. [frowns]

But I can't like, question it. Those were his most personal thoughts and feelings. About me. [smiles] It was really brave of him to bare his soul like that. To be that...open. I'd be so self-conscious if people knew everything I felt and thought. What right do I have? It'd be total invasion of privacy for one thing, not to mention extremely rude --

PATTY [yelling, from downstairs]: Angela! You'll be late for school!

ANGELA [VO, narrowing her eyes]: I'd also become my mother.

ANGELA: [calling back, just as loudly] I'm sick!

ANGELA [VO]: I could be coughing up blood, and she wouldn't even flinch. They'll find life on other planets before she'll even *consider* letting me be an, 'Absent Kid.' She's got this mental block about it, cause she claims she never missed a class when she was in school. Right.

PATTY: I don't have time for this this morning! Get up! Now!

ANGELA [VO]: I can count the number of times she's relented my whole life on one hand, and still be able to hold a utensil. [looks angry] I've always wondered what Jupiter was like; I wonder if I can move there?

ANGELA: I'm serious!

PATTY: So am I!

ANGELA [VO]: She's just gonna have to drug me, then. Like, inject me or sedate me or something, cause I'm not going voluntarily. [she chews at her lip] And so what if Brian Krakow helped Jordan to like, express himself? That's...it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. [now with an unconvinced, pained look, she closes her eyes and pulls the covers up over her head] I have to think, and school is *not* the place for that.

There's a knock on ANGELA's door, then it slowly opens. It's GRAHAM. He pokes his head in.

GRAHAM: Honey? It's Dad. Your mother sent me up here, to, uh --

ANGELA [voice muffled by covers]: Dad, please, you have to wear her down.

GRAHAM [concerned]: You're really not feeling well, huh?

ANGELA [VO]: Understatement of the century.

ANGELA: No. I'm really not. [pulls covers off her face]

GRAHAM [with a small grin and a wink]: I'll see what I can do to crack the ice, okay?

ANGELA [smiles]: Thanks. GRAHAM starts to shut her door. How'd...how'd the dinner go? It was for the people who're gonna invest in the restaurant, right?

GRAHAM [nods, also smiling]: I think we're in business

ANGELA: That's great. Congratulations.

ANGELA [VO]: Wow. My dad's life has like, direction. And mine doesn't. [sighs, being sarcastic] That makes me feel better.

The bed sheets go up over her head again.

-------------

-Pat

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Chase Cat
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Post by Chase Cat » Nov 13th 2002, 2:21 pm

I love it. I would like to read more. You keep up with the characters, in the way we do know them. I can actually imagine Graham standing there in the door. After his big success he is so delightful. Yeah, and Angela in this dilemma, not to know who's feelings she read in THE letter.

My favorite line:
They'll find life on other planets before she'll even *consider* letting me be an, 'Absent Kid.'
That's really Angela.
Patty to Graham: You always buy the cat nicer food than I do.

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K-man
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Post by K-man » Nov 13th 2002, 5:46 pm

That was good. Continue....please. Give us more!!!
Daddy sold the farm and they've killed my trees. K-man

heater_05
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Post by heater_05 » Nov 13th 2002, 6:01 pm

Great stuff. I can't wait to read the rest. :P
"It just goes to show you, if it's not one thing it's another, but it's always something!"

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Kalalily
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What about the connection......

Post by Kalalily » Sep 3rd 2003, 12:05 am

It was a great story except for one small detail. Angela would not have dismissed the letter as something Brian"helped Jordon express". She knew what had happened and you could tell from the way they looked at each other on a sub-conscience level she fell in love with him. The Brian who had aggravated her all this time was the one person she had been waiting for,hoping for in Jordon, but was taken back to find out it was actually Brian who would step into her soul......

Don't get me wrong I guess this would be the ending I would have written....

_MackTuesday_

Post by _MackTuesday_ » Sep 3rd 2003, 1:54 am

This feels really genuine. I'm going to focus on the details I think you could improve on, though. Understand that I wouldn't bother if I didn't think your scene had real potential.

I like that you have her feeling ill. I think that really works. I think you'll want to explain why Patty is under such stress that she can't even come up and check Angela out. Perhaps there's some crisis at the print shop. I also think Angela wouldn't bother to yell back. That, by the way, would provide even better motivation for Graham to peek in on her. Oh, and I don't think she would smile when she thanks Graham. I think she feels too utterly crummy for that.

It also sort of sounds like she's in denial about who wrote the Letter. I don't think she would be. I think it's entirely clear to her that Brian wrote it. I agree that she and Jordan wouldn't have had any substantive conversation about it, though. I have to think she would have brought it up with Jordan, but I have trouble imagining where it would go from there.

Angela: Why won't you just TALK to me?!
Jordan: Why do we have to talk all the time?
[Cut to Angela, exasperated]
Jordan: Why can't we just...enjoy things...the way they are?
Angela: The way they are?!

I disagree with the previous post that she fell in love with Brian on some level. I'm sure there's a soft spot for him that wasn't quite as soft before, and I admit that I can't say for sure what form that spot takes, but I really don't think a person can fall in love subconsciously. Perhaps I'm just mincing words there.

This is a really good start, though. I see her missing a day of school and her friends trading information and opinions about what transpired the previous night, with Brian and Jordan eagerly awaiting her day-after reaction to everything, only to find she's not there. There's the possibility of a nice scene between Ricky and Brian. I see Brian being ultimately thankful to Ricky for blabbing, and Ricky perhaps lending a little therapy to Brian about the whole affair. Another tutor session between Jordan and Brian? That could be interesting, but not necessary to do right away (does the tutoring happen every day?) and perhaps too much for one episode.

Meanwhile, Angela spends the day moping through the house alone while Mom's at the print shop and Dad's planning the restaurant. Maybe Jordan stops by. He misses lots of classes, and even if he's been going to class more often lately, he might not be able to concentrate and uses that as an excuse to skip. Hm, but what would they say to each other? They've (He's) never been very good at talking. Maybe he makes some lame attempt to get poetic. Hm, that would be pretty cliche. Maybe he sees that things are going badly and actually tells Angela he loves her out of desperation. Things would have to go *really* badly for him to do that, though, and even then he might not.

Well, it looks like I've gone from a critique to a novel about the episode 19 aftermath. I guess you inspired me. :oops:

Guest

Re: A scene.....(I'd love opinions).....

Post by Guest » Sep 3rd 2003, 1:00 pm

[b
]SCENE - INT. ANGELA'S BEDROOM - FRIDAY MORNING[/b]

ANGELA is lying underneath the covers in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The blinds are drawn, meaning the room is almost completely darkened. Her alarm clock/radio is on, but the volume is low.

ANGELA [VO]: I'm seriously ill. I don't know what's wrong... exactly, but something just...is. Ever since I got in Jordan Catalano's car last night.
Last night was Friday,wasn't it?So how come she has to go to school today?Cuz it's Saturday and there's no school on Saturday,right?

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Post by lithiumkat » Sep 8th 2003, 3:27 pm

it was friday night? i didn't realize, i must be a goon, anyway, i thought the scene was very good, i see both sides, i KNOW angela knows that that letter was totally brian but i can see her being in denial about it as well...i mean, typical angela, kind of like how it's *obvious* how much brian likes her but when sharon outright points it out she blantantly disagrees basically shouts brian krakow is not in love with me, so i can see her like trying to *convince herself* that its not what it obviously is, and i think it is very believable with the charachters. although i agree about angela not necissarily smiling since she feels so crappy, and i'm not sure about the yelling, i think its a possiblility but its also wouldve been very angela like for her to just not respond. okay, i think it sounds good so far. i think you should like take some direction with it and try something. you've caught my interest already.
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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Nov 24th 2003, 3:18 am

I really like where that first paragraph of Angla's voice over was going -- it could be reworked a little to sound a little more like Angela. I am not sure that the second paragraph is necessary.

It seems like you're taking a harsher view of Patty than she deserves; also, remember that Patty had had an operation in high school and they rescheduled the prom because of it, so I'm pretty sure she did miss school. That's a small detail though. I like the idea of starting #20 the morning after and the idea that Angela and Jordan did nothing in the car, not even talk.
Last edited by Jody Barsch* on Aug 8th 2005, 4:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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grim4746
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Post by grim4746 » Nov 24th 2003, 4:59 am

Great job. You've convinced me that this is almost exactly how it would happen! Though I agree it would happen on monday not saturday. I think the inconsistency about Patty not missing school is the sort of minor glitch that happened in the show, very reminiscent of the chase basement, plus even if Patty clearly did miss school I could totally see her as the type of mom who would deny it just to hold it over her kids' heads. I also think that the second paragraph of Angela's VO is a bit problematic. While I definitely think Angela would be a bit in denial and trying to convince herself that Jordan really did mean every word of the letter I don't think she'd be so successful in doing so that she'd be able to smile about it (that type of self delusion takes weeks of preparation :D ) Plus I think that Angela knows she's gained some leverage in their relationship and wouldn't so easily shy away from invading his privacy, at least in regard to his feelings for her. Angela managed to get a little bit of a backbone (very little admittedly) after Jordan had sex with Rayanne and I think it would be a shame not to keep that in place. On the whole I love the scene, it's in tone with the series and I'm pleased that it's in line with what I'd imagined might have come next.

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Post by Hunee » Nov 24th 2003, 1:43 pm

i loved it... it was really great... please post more
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Post by BeverlyHills_RockStar16 » Aug 5th 2005, 8:57 pm

it was amazing ly good...u should like keep writing and make it angela falls in love with brian, cuz hes cute and that would be amazing, l8ter from beevrly hills
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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Apr 30th 2006, 8:15 pm

pat19btvs wrote:ANGELA [VO]: I'm seriously ill. I don't know what's wrong... exactly, but something just...is. Ever since I got in Jordan Catalano's car last night. Cause I wanted to ask him if he actually, you know, wrote it, but I couldn't, so we didn't talk. Or do anything. At all. Maybe it's not knowing that makes me wanna vomit. [frowns]
ANGELA [VO]: She's just gonna have to drug me, then. Like, inject me or sedate me or something, cause I'm not going voluntarily. [she chews at her lip] And so what if Brian Krakow helped Jordan to like, express himself? That's...it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. [now with an unconvinced, pained look, she closes her eyes and pulls the covers up over her head] I have to think, and school is *not* the place for that.
_MackTuesday_ wrote:Angela: Why won't you just TALK to me?!
Jordan: Why do we have to talk all the time?
[Cut to Angela, exasperated]
Jordan: Why can't we just...enjoy things...the way they are?
Angela: The way they are?!

This is a really good start, though. I see her missing a day of school and her friends trading information and opinions about what transpired the previous night, with Brian and Jordan eagerly awaiting her day-after reaction to everything, only to find she's not there. There's the possibility of a nice scene between Ricky and Brian. I see Brian being ultimately thankful to Ricky for blabbing, and Ricky perhaps lending a little therapy to Brian about the whole affair. Another tutor session between Jordan and Brian? That could be interesting, but not necessary to do right away (does the tutoring happen every day?) and perhaps too much for one episode.

Meanwhile, Angela spends the day moping through the house alone while Mom's at the print shop and Dad's planning the restaurant. Maybe Jordan stops by. He misses lots of classes, and even if he's been going to class more often lately, he might not be able to concentrate and uses that as an excuse to skip. Hm, but what would they say to each other? They've (He's) never been very good at talking. Maybe he makes some lame attempt to get poetic. Hm, that would be pretty cliche. Maybe he sees that things are going badly and actually tells Angela he loves her out of desperation. Things would have to go *really* badly for him to do that, though, and even then he might not.
I'd still like to see this story continued...
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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