Carrying On

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Carrying On

Post by BANGBANG » Jul 28th 2007, 4:08 pm

-cut story. new one on new post.
Last edited by BANGBANG on Aug 3rd 2007, 12:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Carrying On

Post by stburr91 » Jul 28th 2007, 8:11 pm


Brian is outside riding his bike.

Angela: (Angela goes outside and walks over to Brian.) Hi.

Brian: Hey.. hi. (Circling up and off the pavement with his bike.)

Angela: You know I, ..

Brian: Look, don't. What happened last night was nothing, plus you're probably dating Jordan again, right?

Angela: No I, well kind of, but..

Brian: So why are you talking to me?

Angela: Because, (pause), Brian, why did you write the letter? (Angela gets that usual frowny, almost puppyish, looking up face.)

Brian: Because, Jordan asked me to, OK? It's nothing more than that.

Angela: But Brian..

Brian: But what? What do you want to know? (Brian gets sort of angry because of the blatant obviousness of the letter that Angela just can't seem to notice.) I have to go. (Said dismissively, Brian bicycles off.)

Angela is left standing there, doing that thing that her legs do, kind of pointing together at themselves.
I liked this scene, I think you captured the feel, and dialog of the show. Not many people can do that. I didn't like the Angela VO in the beginning of this scene. The Brian VO was good, but I'm not sure about adding VO's for the other characters.

Angela (VO): So I officially feel like killing myself. Today has probably been the most inactive day of my life, and ..
When I read, "So I officially feel like killing myself", I thought, wow what a great start to an Angela VO, it just seems like something Angela would say, but the rest of the VO didn't seem right to me. I don't think Angela would say something like that.

I thought you were going to have Angela go on about how she feels frustrated about Brian and Jordan, but then the rest of the VO didn't seem to fit the scene.

(Angela goes off to her room.)

Patty: (Patty points her finger, about to finish 'Ange' and then goes 'uh' instead.)

There's a ring at the door; and Patty opens it.

Patty: Oh, (pause) hi.

Jordan: (Looking around, holding his hands together.) Oh, um, hi.

Patty: Would you like to come in?

Jordan: (Looking preoccupied) Could you just like, tell Angela, I wanna talk to her or whatever. It's nothing important, but, yeah..

Patty: Alright.. Are you sure you don't want to come inside?

Jordan: No, I'm.. good. Bye.

Patty: Bye.

(Angela runs downstairs.) Angela: Who was that?

Angela (VO): My feet always seem to move when I don't realise it, and then it's too late. I should've predicted it was Jordan Catalano.

Patty: It was Jordan. Apparently he wants to talk to you. Make sure to come back for dinner. (As though, predicting Angela would go outside.)

Angela: (Angela goes outside to Jordan's car as he was about to leave, and leans in the window.) Hi.

Jordan: (Jordan looks sideways, and takes about 3 seconds to respond.) Hi.

(Angela gets inside of the car.)

Angela: Brian told me he wrote the letter.

Jordan: (Jordan doesn't say anything.)

Angela: Why didn't you tell me? Or why didn't you just, write the letter yourself?

Jordan: I..

Angela (VO): He always has nothing to say when he should have the most to say.

Angela: I can't believe you let Brian Krakow write a love letter for me.

Jordan: Well it's like, he said all the words I wanted to say. So, you know. (Looking up at her hopefully.) Right?

Angela: It doesn't excuse the fact you let someone else tell me how you felt. You could've written something yourself, it didn't need to be, perfect..

Angela (VO): And Brian's was. It was, perfect.

Angela: Why didn't you just write it yourself?

Jordan: Because it seems like whenever we try and, I dunno, talk, it never seems good enough. And Brian's letter was like, he said all the words I wanted to, but better. (He bites his lip.) I have to go to band practice though.

Angela: (Angela shifts her hair behind her ear.)

Jordan leans in to kiss her; but doesn't, and opens the car door.

Angela gives a very displeased look, and gets out face first, then just walks off to her house, not even bothering to watch him leave.

Jordan sighs, (for some reason wishing for a more hopeful reaction.) And then drives off.

Not a bad scene, I especially liked the part I quoted in bold.

All in all, not a a bad fanfic. Some of the stuff you wrote really did feel like the show, but other things didn't make sense to me. You are so close to writing a good fanfic, keep at it.


PS. Nobody ever knows what others will think of their fanfic, that's the kind of cool part of posting it, it's kind of a risk. Don't be afraid to take the risk, write more, and post it.
What's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere. Like your life just figured out how to get good. Like, that second."

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