Fanfiction

You Just Know

written by Courtney

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based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

"So..." Angela found herself at a loss for words as she realized she was here. She was in Jordan Catalano's car, sitting next to him...and again he wasn't saying anything.

And why do they do that? You can't just come up to someone and make like you have something to say, and then just not. You can't. But Jordan did.

"So..um...my parents."

Jordan nodded his head. He'd recently decided that Angela Chase terrified him, and that she confused him, and he'd do anything to keep her in his life.

"Yeah...uh. Yeah, Your mom is...nice."

Because even though it was harder, and confusing...it was better. Everything was better. And it wasn't even when they were kissing, and he didn't even think he cared about the sex all that much. They didn't need that. He just needed to be near her.

"So I've heard." Angela told him.

Was this all he was going to say to her? Was it like she wanted him to blurt it out and say he didn't write the letter? Did she want him to deny it and say that was his, everything that letter said was what he'd felt and written for her. Or did it even matter...what were words anyways? Did they really mean anything?

"I-" Jordan bit his lip and paused, determined to try again. He has to fix this, and the way he figures it, he only has one chance. Angela's not going to wait forever...and he doesn't want to lose her. "Angela-"

She made talking so hard, as soon as one word came out, he felt like it was going to be automatically judged, and dissected, and that no matter what he said...it wouldn't be as good and he couldn't ever win. He ran his hands through his hair again before talking--a nervous habit.

Angela couldn't help but to be mystified by the simplicity of that little action. She used to dream all the time about Jordan running just his hands through his hair, and watching each strand slowly fall down and frame his face. It used to cycle through her mind in geometry and she'd be stuck in this slow moving vortex that only consisted of Jordan Catalano and his hair and then suddenly she was being asked a question and she'd realize she didn't know what the actual question was, never mind the answer. Her every thought was consumed by her obsession for Jordan.

But that was it, wasn't it? Was he only an obsession, or did she love him? She tested it out in her head silently, waiting for anything from him.

I love Jordan Catalano

It didn't sound wrong. But that hadn't really been her problem, had it? She loved Jordan and he hurt her...he had slept with her best friend...so what makes that forgivable? She loved him, and he broke her heart.

That was not love. You don't hurt the people you love.

"I-I know you know." Jordan bit the bullet, he could apologize a million times and that probably still wouldn't make it better. He just wanted to fix it, or take it back...all of it.

And then the letter...she had thought...this was it. This was Jordan Catalano's declaration of love for her.

It was Brian Crackow's obsession for her.

Wait. Why was that obsession and her feelings for Jordan love? Was it too similar? It wasn't possible. There has to be an act of love to feel love. When she kissed Jordan she was sure she loved him.

"About you sleeping with Rayanne?"

The words stung more than he though they would. That was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. Or maybe that letter was...they was at least in the top two.

He didn't even really like Rayanne Graff. She was annoying, and she drank too much, and she made terrible choices...and he wanted to blame her for what happened, but that didn’t make anything better.

"Because I know that, Jordan."

Jordan decided to focus on looking ahead at the road. "I know, and I'm..." He needed a better word than sorry, but there wasn't one. At least not in his vocabulary. "Angela, I'm sorry."

He took a deep breath before looking over at her. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

That was what he was apologizing to her for? She didn't know if she wanted to know the truth about the letter...but she did, didn't she?

She knew he didn't mean to hurt her. Jordan had never actually intentionally hurt her, but that didn't exactly make it hurt any less.

"I know." She said quietly. She did.

How was she better? What he had done...it had been unintentional. She did everything that she had done intentionally, hoping to make Jordan jealous, to hurt him...and in the long run the person she'd actually hurt was Ricky.

"I know--Angela, I know I make a lot of mistakes, okay?" Jordan had to do it, he had to before he lost his nerve and told her that maybe he should just take her home. He had work his way out of this one on his own. It was what he should have done to begin with. "I screw things up all the time, its kind of what I've always done. I'm always messing things up."

She wanted to be angry--at least that was what she thought--being angry with Jordan was so much easier than admitting that it hurt as bad as it did because she loved him, and she wanted him to feel those things that that letter said for her. She wanted him to love her.

And as he apologized--or at least attempted to apologize, she thought that maybe she didn't care. Maybe a letter wasn't that important.

"You don't...Jordan, you don't screw things up all the time."

Jordan just barely stifled a laugh. "I just...I can never tell anything with you Angela. You aren't like any other girl I've ever known."

He saw that 'oh' expression come across her face, and he realized that once again something had come out wrong. He'd screwed up. This was exactly why he'd wanted Brian's help. He had no idea it would turn into such a disaster. That she'd hate him for it.

"I don't mean it like that. I'm sorry...its just that." Jordan shook his head and sighed, this was so hard. "Everything I say comes out wrong with you. And I know you hate me right now..."

Angela looked up at him, surprised. "Jordan, I don't hate you."

I just thought that I wanted to, and that it would make it better. Angela wished there could just be some magical fix to this, that the letter could just...not exist.

"I'm sorry--Angela, I never should have done that."

"The letter?"

Jordan nodded his head, "Yeah. Its just...I know how you feel about that kind of stuff, and when I say it...it just comes out all wrong. I don't know how to say it...you know, right. I just wish the whole thing never happened, and I'm sorry. I just...I wanted it to sound right."

"Wanted what to sound right?" Angela looked up at him, and waited, waited for the one thing she needed to know.

She could get over Jordan sleeping with Rayanne, it hurt, but she could. She could forgive him for giving her the most beautiful letter she's ever seen that he didn't write.

But this...she couldn't forgive it, because she had to know.

"How I--" Jordan bit his lower lip and Angela thought that he had never been more gorgeous before. "Well..."

He was suddenly distracted by the way her hand played with her hair. Just a small strand of bright red hair, but she twisted it around her finger and suddenly that was his entire world. Angela Chase playing with her hair had taken over his entire world.

"I love you." He said quietly, turning away from her to look at the road. He didn't know if he wanted to be looking at her right now. If he wanted to see the look on her face.

"Jordan?"

He didn't look over at her, it was like his eyes were permanently glued to the pitch black asphalt.

"Yeah?"

She reached over, and kissed him.

Jordan turned around keeping one eye on the road, and kissed her.

A moment passed, and maybe it was more than a moment. Maybe it was less...it was like time stopped when she kissed him.

"I should probably pull over." He said.

"Yeah," Angela agreed. "You should."

Maybe it was like Sharon said, when you’re ready...you just know.