Fanfiction

Episode No. 20 - "...and nothing"

written by Laura Smith

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based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

"...and nothing"

You'd think that I'd learn by now. I mean, how many times do I have to go through this, right? How many times do I have to look her in the face and see that she has no desire whatsoever to even know that I exist? Well, I take that back. She knows I exist, simply because I'm a pain in her side. Like a thorn.

What kind of trauma is that to put on someone's head? What kind of person does that? The kind of person Angela Chase is, I suppose. So caught up in herself and her own drama that she doesn't see anything. I mean, she's been across the street my entire life, but it doesn't mean she's ever seen me or understood me. Or...well, anything. She's borrowed my books. That's about it.

Oh, and she's made me fall in love with her.

How does she not see it? How does she just pretend that I'm not here, not real, not just as important and deep and meaningful as Jordan Catalano? I mean, I am. I'm exactly like him. If he were smarter and blonder. And geekier. But other than that, we're the same.

I mean, if I can write words that she can believe are his, doesn't that make us both the same? Doesn't that mean that...I came out and told her, in not so many words, and she still ran off with him. Like they're going to live some sort of magical life together all brought on by some words that I poured my soul into. She's going to think she's living this beautiful truth, but in reality it's going to be this vicious lie. Only instead of eating at her soul or his soul and making them suffer, it's going to eat at mine.

What if it doesn't work out? What if they just stop one day? Am I going to have to take the fall for that? Were my words just not strong enough to hold them together? I know they weren't strong enough to tell her everything. Because if they had done that, she wouldn't have ridden off into the sunset with Jordan Catalano, like it was some sort of movie. She would have come up to me on my bike and maybe kissed my cheek.

I would have been happy with that.

Not, you know, fooled into thinking it might mean something, because I've been fooled by Angela before. I've let her drive me a little crazy, until I do something wrong or that I know isn't right. She takes advantage of me, and I know that I let her. That I want her to. I want her to take advantage of me and use me like he uses her. I want her to look at me with distant eyes and not realize that it's killing me inside.

I want to be the Angela Chase to her Jordan Catalano.

And other times, like now? I think maybe I already am.