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Episode No. 20 - "...and nothing"

written by Laura Smith

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About this story

Published: 18 Mar 2001 | Size: 3 KB (514 words) | Language: english | Rating: PG-13
Average: 3.9/5   3.9/5 (56 votes)
Story is a continuation fic from Brian's POV, starting at the end of the
final episode. - Rating: PG

based on stories and characters created by Winnie Holzman

"...and nothing"

You'd think that I'd learn by now. I mean, how many times do I have to go through this, right? How many times do I have to look her in the face and see that she has no desire whatsoever to even know that I exist? Well, I take that back. She knows I exist, simply because I'm a pain in her side. Like a thorn.

What kind of trauma is that to put on someone's head? What kind of person does that? The kind of person Angela Chase is, I suppose. So caught up in herself and her own drama that she doesn't see anything. I mean, she's been across the street my entire life, but it doesn't mean she's ever seen me or understood me. Or...well, anything. She's borrowed my books. That's about it.

Oh, and she's made me fall in love with her.

How does she not see it? How does she just pretend that I'm not here, not real, not just as important and deep and meaningful as Jordan Catalano? I mean, I am. I'm exactly like him. If he were smarter and blonder. And geekier. But other than that, we're the same.

I mean, if I can write words that she can believe are his, doesn't that make us both the same? Doesn't that mean that...I came out and told her, in not so many words, and she still ran off with him. Like they're going to live some sort of magical life together all brought on by some words that I poured my soul into. She's going to think she's living this beautiful truth, but in reality it's going to be this vicious lie. Only instead of eating at her soul or his soul and making them suffer, it's going to eat at mine.

What if it doesn't work out? What if they just stop one day? Am I going to have to take the fall for that? Were my words just not strong enough to hold them together? I know they weren't strong enough to tell her everything. Because if they had done that, she wouldn't have ridden off into the sunset with Jordan Catalano, like it was some sort of movie. She would have come up to me on my bike and maybe kissed my cheek.

I would have been happy with that.

Not, you know, fooled into thinking it might mean something, because I've been fooled by Angela before. I've let her drive me a little crazy, until I do something wrong or that I know isn't right. She takes advantage of me, and I know that I let her. That I want her to. I want her to take advantage of me and use me like he uses her. I want her to look at me with distant eyes and not realize that it's killing me inside.

I want to be the Angela Chase to her Jordan Catalano.

And other times, like now? I think maybe I already am.

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Reviews for this story

Rating Distribution:
Average: 3.9/5   3.9/5 (56 votes)
  • Carolyn commented on 19 Apr 2001:
    I loved this story, but it was much, MUCH too short!!!

    Interesting insight into Brian.

    Please bring more on...
  • Melinda commented on 24 May 2001:
    That was AWESOME. I loved "Brian", so to read a story in his point of view is to fun! So well written.. makes me want to go write one of my own!
  • irene commented on 04 Jul 2001:
    i like it but, i rather here about angela and jordan together, i'm totally against anything happening between angela and brian, but don't get me wrong its really good!
  • april commented on 24 Nov 2001:
    brian supporter over here. why? brian is very steadfast and earnest. yeah, he'll say really mean things sometimes, but it's a defense mecganism. his life has been hard. he's been picked on and his parents are constantly absent and over-analytical. i'm all for brian and angela. he deserves her more, i sometimes doubt she really deserves him. just had to say it- so much anti-brian out there.
  • Eria gave this story a 4.0/5 4.0/5 rating and commented on 27 Apr 2008:
    I have to agree....i feel Brian deserves Angela, he's been waiting long enouht. And really there is way too much anti-brian sentament out there

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“Lately, I can't even look at my mother without wanting to stab her repeatedly.”

Angela Chase, Episode 1: "My So-Called Life (Pilot)"