Discussion and questions about the FanFiction section of You can also post excerpts of your unfinished stories here if you're looking for feedback or ideas.
Post Reply
Posts: 7
Joined: Jul 28th 2007, 12:16 pm
Location: UK


Post by BANGBANG » Aug 3rd 2007, 1:08 pm

don't like this anymore
you can delete :)
Last edited by BANGBANG on Sep 1st 2007, 6:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Jody Barsch*
Posts: 1179
Joined: Jun 30th 2003, 1:30 pm
Location: Los Angeles

Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 18th 2007, 9:59 pm

There were some nice moments here. :D
BANGBANG wrote:Rayanne: So, Rickie and I are going to some Tino thing tonight-
Angela: (She hardens her tone.) And?
Rayanne: Whatever, (she stops a second to chew her gum.) So, are you gonna forgive me or not?
Angela: What? Why should I-
Rayanne: Because I mean, knowing you, you're already back in Jordan's wrath. (Rayanne nearly laughs at the emphasis she put on the word 'wrath' but tries to stay serious.) So I think it's only fair, you know?
Angela: (She looks into thin air for a moment, and then decides to talk.) It wasn't as easy as you thought it was, like, I didn't just, forgive him.
Rayanne: (Almost said in a lightened down, drunk tone. Rayanne moves in closer.) But you did, Angela, you forgave him that easily.
I don't know about the use of "wrath" but I like this confrontation between Rayanne and Angela, especially that Rayanne presumes it was so easy for Angela and that Angela has to say otherwise. I also like the relative amount of conversation that exists between Angela and Rayanne, that it is not utter silence between them. It works.
BANGBANG wrote:she ... pulls Jordan closer to her, as though she knows that sex with him will compensate for her mixed feelings towards the situation.
Hope you're not really 13 BangBang.
BANGBANG wrote:Bernice: Brian! You have visitors!
Angela: Your mum let me come up.
Just editing stuff, take the "s" off of visitors and keeping in mind that the show is American, words like "mum" don't exactly fit.
BANGBANG wrote:Bernice: I'm sure he's just lonely. You know how they are at this age.
I'd die if my mother said that to someone, and I'd lose faith in any psychiatrist who would think that's an appropriate thing to say to a child's friends. But if that's how Brian's parents behave, it explains a lot about his uncertainties (or shall we say 'latency' :wink: )
BANGBANG wrote:"It's probably the first," he groaned to himself. His reaction was to wipe off the spit from his lip, but he left it there; predicting that in the future, he'd regret it if he did.
I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
BANGBANG wrote:Rickie: (Putting on a half-hearted smile for her.) Hey. (He puts his hand on her shoulder, points down the hall and starts to talk about something.)
It's interesting that Rickie's smile for Delia is 'half-hearted'; I don't remember another fanfiction taking it in that direction. Is there a future storyline stemming here?
BANGBANG wrote:As we go past them, we see Brian checking out Rayanne looking through her bag, she sees him looking and he doesn't notice, he looks sort of captivated. He suddenly realizes how pathetic he must look; snaps out of it, and walks away.
I see that this is necessary in setting us up for later, but would Brian really check out Rayanne after being kissed by Angela?
BANGBANG wrote:Mr. Katimsky has been teaching the class, but is now reading something at his desk. Angela is looking at Jordan, who's looking at Brian, who's looking at Angela, and Sharon is watching them all. The bell rings, everybody gets up except Sharon, who is confused at the drama she may have missed.
That was a nice moment.
BANGBANG wrote:Sharon: (Catching up with Angela.) What's going on? With you and like, Jordan, and Rayanne and everything?
Angela: Oh, don't ask. (She says, looking fatigued at the whole thing.)
Sharon: Oh. So, you haven't made up with Rayanne yet?
Angela: I don't know, we talked the other day.
Sharon: (Becoming more and more enthusiastic.) Oh?
Angela: Yeah, not much came of it though.
Sharon: So are you and Jordan Catalano like, a couple now? (Swooning for details and gossip.)
Angela: No, like, I don't know if he thinks we are, but I'm unsure. Like, we still make out and everything, but I'm kind of, mad at him.
Sharon: Well you know, just, sort things out with Rayanne, alright? I really think she's sorry. Just, give her a chance. Anyway, I have to go.
Angela: You're right. I don't know, maybe I'll talk to her like, later, or something. Well, bye.
Sharon: See you! Oh and Angela!
Angela: Mm?
Sharon: You are coming to the play, right? Like, you do know you have to? Otherwise she'll die of disappointment.
Angela: I don't know. I'll give it some thought.
Sharon: You better!
I really like that this scene exists. I love the idea that Sharon, because she has already committed to a friendship with Rayanne, is pushing for a reconciliation between Rayanne and Angela. There are moments, however, when Sharon seems too enthusiastic -- I always like Sharon the best when she's snide (ex: "I pity you" etc.) And while I like the duplicitous element of Sharon's motivations, I’m not sure she's at the point to be so forceful with Angela about it ("You better!")
BANGBANG wrote:She waddles over to him slowly.
Angela: Rayanne!
Rayanne: It wasn't me, it was Brian!
Angela: Brian!
Does Rayanne waddle? Maybe Angela should be a little calmer at the beginning of the confrontation -- taking a moment to assess the situation, saying "Rayanne?" and then getting angry once she understands. Rayanne can't fairly be held in reproach for this one, but Brian sure can be.

While by record I am a Jordan-Angela fan, I like that Angela just kisses Brian in this way, how she just does it. It could maybe be supported by a little more... I don't know, 'build up’ (? - voiceover or otherwise), but it works. Angela by this point is more experienced than Brian, and it's a nice switch that instead of seeing Jordan just going in for the kiss, that it's Angela doing it.

Sorry it took me song long to post something; it can be hard to wait for feedback. Looking forward to reading the next installment.
Sometimes I write a little MSCL fanfiction:
Also, after multiple V. Mars reiterations, and finally a Deadwood movie, still wishing for some continuation of The Riches !

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest