"The Talk"

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"The Talk"

Post by Lizka » Aug 12th 2005, 12:22 am

I am both a sick, and twisted individual. I also had an insane amount of fun writing this, and would appreciate any beta-ing.

Warning: for teens and up.

The Talk
By Lizka

Sharon and Rayanne teach Sex Ed. Just go with it.

Disclaimer: I do not own My So-Called Life. If I did, it never would’ve been cancelled, so there.

“Uh, hi!”


“Well, I’m Sharon, and this is Rayanne. We’re part of the Teen Hotline, and we’ve been asked to uh, to talk to you. About sex.”

“We’re here to teach you the ways of lurve and bam chick-a-bow-bow.”

“Ew! No.”

“Okay, fine. It’s usually not about love.”

“Rayanne …”

“Almost never, really.”


“It’s mostly wham-bam, later girl.”


“Chill, Cherski.”

“Anyway, we were asked here to, like, walk you through the mechanics of it all.”

“Right, so … how old are you guys, anyway? Nine? Ten?”

“They’re thirteen, Rayanne.”

“Right. Just in time, then. Hey, how come there’s no guys in this class?”

“Oh, Tommy and Jim are talking to the boys across the hall.”

“Pffft. As if those bozos know anything about sex. I bet they think you get a free pass if you do it under water.”

“I’m sure they’re doing a good job.”

“Whatever. I could give a better talk. They’re probably teaching pick-up lines over there.”

“… So. Sex! We should probably start at the beginning …”

Hey, baby, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants! Don’t be afraid to tell them that their lines are lame because, usually, they are.”

“Sex is a natural and beautiful act between two people who love each other very much.”

“Please. They don’t even have to like each other.”

“… and it is not something that you should rush into …”

“You don’t even have to know the guy’s name either, because there was this one time last summer when I … what? Ow! Don’t pinch me, Cherski!”

“Rayanne, this lecture is not about you.”

“C’mon, Cherski. We know what’s what. Might was well share our knowledge.”

“We don’t want to, like, scar them.”

“So what if we scar them? Scars are tougher than skin any day. At least then they won’t be all prissy and, like, surprised.”

“Fine. Whatever. Ideally, sex is something that should be shared with two people who are in, like, complete and total love and wait until they’re married.”

“Doesn’t always work out that way, though.”

“No, it doesn’t. But that still doesn’t mean that you should rush into it, either.”

“True. Otherwise, you can get, like, traumatized.”

“Not exactly … you only get one first time, so make sure you’re ready for it. You can’t take it back.”

“It’ll hurt, too, so that’s a reason to wait.”

“Rayanne! You’ll scare them!”

“What? It’s true.”

“Maybe we should just start with the facts. Hold up that book, would you? Ahem, now this is the female reproductive system.”

“It’s got tubes, and stuff.”

“These are the ovaries.”

“It’s where the journey begins.”

“About once a month, an egg or ova will travel from the ovaries, through a fallopian tube, to the uterus. This is a process called ovulation, and usually happens about two weeks before your period. This is also when a woman is at her most fertile.”

“That just means that you’ll be hornier then.”

“Whatever. Right after ovulation, the lining in the uterus thickens, in preparation for the egg.”

“It’s red, and looks like blood.”

“Gross, but true. If an egg is fertilized by a man’s sperm, it implants itself in the uterus, and that’s when a woman becomes pregnant. If an egg is not implanted, the lining tears away, and the body sheds it. And that’s your period.”

“Yeah, about that. You know how, before you get your rag, you get cramps? That’s because the lining’s, like, ripping itself away from your uterus. You’re totally entitled to be a bitch.”

“Now, onto the, erm, male reproductive system. We’ll just give you the bare facts, because … um, because …”

“Because Cherski’s too chicken to talk about it to you guys, and you’ll learn about that in gym class in high school anyway. They got teachers that get, like, paid to talk about this stuff. Besides, do you think the guys across the hall are talking about filipino tubes - ”

Fallopian tubes.”

“Fallopian tubes and uteral linings? Nuh-uh.”

“They’re giving the male version of this talk.”

“They’re giving the crappy male version of this talk.”

“Rayanne …”

“What? Jamie - ”

“His name is Jim.”

“Whoever, still goes red if you even say the word ‘vagina’, and Timmy - ”


“Whatever, still thinks that babies get delivered by the stork. They don’t, by the way. Labour’s like this huge joke and we’re the punchline.”

“Let’s just get on with this, okay? Keep that book open to this page.”

“You hold the book this time. It’s not as if you could actually, like, point at it.”

“Fine. This is the male reproductive organ.”

“It’s the penis.”

“Oh my God …”

“What? It’s a technical term. There’s like, dozens of other names I could call it, but I’m using ‘penis’. Penis. C’mon, Cherski, you can say it.”

“… penis.”

“Right. So that’s the penis. It’s what guys use instead of their brains from now until they’re all gray-haired and toothless.”

“True enough. Anyway, a man produces sperm which is later released through the … penis … at the end of sexual intercourse.”

“Before, during, and after. Don’t let a guy tell you different.”

“Now the act of sex is simple in itself.”

“Tab A goes into slot B. Again and again and again.”

“When a man becomes aroused, the … penis … becomes engorged with blood.”

“It, like, rises like a zombie in a movie. It defies gravity.”

“We don’t need you to, like, demonstrate with your hands!”

“If the guy does his job right, then the woman – you guys, in like, three or four years – gets aroused and kind of … slippery.”

“Oh God … you did not need to go there.”

“Anyway, you’ll know it when you feel it.”

“Right, so, then the man places his … penis … inside the woman’s … vagina.”

“It usually sucks the first time, because there’s this, like, skin that breaks. That part hurts, but for only a minute. You know, you’re really lucky that we’re telling you all this stuff. Sexual education is like, a joke, in most of the gym classes I’ve been. They barely tell you anything.”

“My mom taught me a lot about this.”

“Really? Mine too.”

“It was a lot less awkward than those gym classes, wasn’t it? … Anyway, if you’re ever considering having sex, it’s important that you know how to keep yourself safe.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff floating around out there. Crabs. The clap.”

“Not to mention pregnancy, AIDs, and a lot of other sexually transmitted diseases.”

“Remember: no glove, no love.”

“You just, like, carry condoms? In your purse?”

“Yeah, don’t you?”

“No, my mom put me on the pill, y’know, just in case.”

“Mine too, but that doesn’t make you like, one hundred percent safe.”

“I know that, but I don’t like, keep condoms in my wallet or anything.”

“Good, because condoms really shouldn’t be kept in wallets. It gets too hot, or whatever. Do you have a banana?”



“What are you going to … hey! What are you doing?”

“What? It’s not like it’s lubricated, Cherski. Okay, now, this is how you use a condom. First, you make sure that it’s not upside-down or anything. Then, you just place it on the penis like so, and kind of roll it down. Make sure you leave a space at the tip, so it catches all the sperm."

“What you need to remember about condoms is that they’ll protect you against sexually transmitted disease, as well as pregnancy, but only if they’re used correctly. And even then, they’re only like, 98% effective.”

“I know that those are good odds, but it’s probably a good idea if you go on the pill, too. ‘Cause guys can be stupid and rushed.”

“There are lots of other kinds of contraception, including diaphragms, sponges. Your health teacher can tell you more about them, and when you get older, you can ask your gynecologist.”

“For the diaphragms and sponges, you kind of have to stick them up there. It’s a little weird getting them in and out.”

“Whatever you use, make sure that you use it correctly. That's the most important part.”

“Yeah, and don’t go for those weird little tricks your friends and boyfriends will tell you, because those don't work. You can get pregnant pretty much any time, on your first try, standing up, sitting down, on top, on the bottom, doggy-style, under water, and upside-down.”


“Yeah. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“So,” Sharon and Rayanne looked at the class of shocked girls. They were staring at them. Their eyes were glassy, and some mouths were partially open. “Any questions?”


Author's Note: if anybody's curious as to how this fic came into being, I previously noted on this board that it would just be hysterical to see Rayanne and Sharon teach kids about sex. Most of the lecture was what I told my own thirteen-year-old cousin when she asked me about sex. She had a similar look of wide-eye surprise at the end, but didn't stop asking questions. Seriously, this is stuff all girls should know.

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