my first ff

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my first ff

Post by Guest » Aug 10th 2004, 12:58 am

ppl kept bugging me to write and Episode 20, this is what i've got so far. any opinions/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

(Scene picks up where Ep. 19 left off)
(Parked, Buffalo Tom is playing quietly on the radio. Angela and Jordan are both sitting uncomfortably. Jordan is looking at Angela, Angela is staring straight ahead)
Jordan: I don’t know–
Angela: Why didn’t you write it? Brian Krakow, of all people!
Jordan: Angela! Could you like, listen to me?
AngVO: I had never _stopped_ listening.
(Pause)
JorVO: You know what to say. You _can’t_ freeze this time. You can't lose her again.
Jordan: (slowly becoming more emotional, struggling to find the right words) I know what I did is wrong. I know that I should have been the one to write it. I know that now. And I know that you’re one of the best things in my life. I don’t wanna screw up anymore. I don’t wanna be that person. Angela, you made me better. And I... I’ve... I don’t deserve y—
Angela: (almost crying) It hurt, Jordan. And I can't like, erase that.
Jordan: I know. But can't we just start over?
(Angela turns to face Jordan. There is silence for a moment. Angela tucks her hair behind her ear and is about to say something when Jordan kisses her. As he pulls away, a tear slides down Angela’s cheek. She opens the door, gets out, and lingers for a moment before she slides down the car to sit on the ground and begins to cry. Jordan goes to hold her)
Jordan: (whispering) I love you, Angela.
(Pause)
JorVO: Say something. Say _anything._
(Angela lifts her head and looks in to Jordan’s eyes, like she’s deciding whether or not she believes him)
AngVO: It was like I was seeing him for the first time, cuz for the first time, I looked at Jordan Catalano, and I saw... a person. He wasn’t some unreachable fantasy, he had _flaws._ He was normal.
Angela: Yesterday, I was so sure I felt the same, but now... I just need a few days to think about everything that’s happened. (Pause) I’m sorry
Jordan: (trying to mask his disappointment) C’mon, I’ll take you home.
(In Jordan’s car outside of the chase house: Angela opens the door and hesitates for a moment. She gives Jordan a quick kiss on the cheek before getting out)

(Liberty High, Girls Bathroom)
Angela: And the things he said to me like opened this door to a whole other side of him! It was... unbelievable.
Rickie: Wow.
Sharon: So what about Brian?
Angela: I can't even _deal_ with Brian Krakow right now. Besides, I still have to talk to Jordan.
Sharon: Chase Face, you gotta talk to him eventually. You’re neighbors, remember? (Rickie shakes his head in agreement)
Angela: I was trying to forget.
(Rayanne walks in)
Angela: I uh... I gotta get to class... (Exits)
Rayanne: So she forgives Catalano, but still won’t talk to me. _That_ makes sense.

(Scene shows Angela walking down the hallway. Jordan is walking in the opposite direction, oblivious to what’s around him. Angela walks past Brian, completely absorbed in Jordan's presence. Brian’s face gets that pained look.)
Brian: Hey, Angela! (She doesn’t notice) Angela!!!
Angela: Huh? Oh sorry... I-I’m gunna be late to Soc but I’ll – I’ll see you later...
AngVO: If I can find some way to explain everything to you.

(Angela is sitting in class, watching Jordan through the window as he leans against his car)
AngVO: I don’t understand Jordan Catalano. It’s like he has this power to just do what he wants, when he wants. Like this unbelievable freedom. And whenever I think I’ve got him figured out, he goes and does something surprising. Like this tutoring thing. He’ll go and Brian will help him and he’ll learn, but then he skips class. Like he just doesn’t care about anything. A week ago, I would have said he doesn’t care about anyone, either. But now I know that... that isn’t the truth. Because he _does_ care. He does have emotions.
(Bell rings, Angela continues to stare out the window for a moment before heading out to him.)

(Jordan sees Angela approaching and lowers his head.)
Angela: Hey.
Jordan: Hey. (Pause) Look, if you don’t wanna be—
Angela: (smiling) With you? (Jordan looks up at her) Who said that?
(Camera zooms out as they hug, then shows Brian watching as this takes place)

(On steps in front of school, Angela is sitting alone eating her lunch. Brian quietly comes to sit by her)
Brian: So... I saw you with Jordan earlier
Angela: Can we have this conversation later? Like somewhere away from everyone else?
Brian: Yeah, sure. I mean whatever. (Pause) I just wanted to say that I’m, ya know... sorry. (Exits)

(Rickie and Rayanne are eating lunch – Thai this time {2 words: Tino} - on the bleachers)
Rayanne: I screwed everything up. She still won’t talk to me.
Rickie: Well, will she listen?
Rayanne: Not last time.
Rickie: When was last time?
Rayanne: I dunno. Like a week ago? (like “hey what if...”) Maybe I should just _make_ her listen. (Pause) Got a drink?
Rickie: [Don’t even start look]
Rayanne: (sarcastically) Well! You’re no fun. (chewing) So, how goes it over at Katimsky’s?

(After school, on the front steps. Angela is walking alone when Rayanne sees her)
Rayanne: Hey! Angelika! Wait Up! (Angela gets one of those “Just shoot me now” looks) Look, you don’t have to talk. You’ve made it clear you don’t _want_ to talk, either. But just... listen, ok?
Angela: Fine. I’m listening. (still all pissed off)
Rayanne: Ok. I was drunk, ok? I would _never_ do something to hurt you like that. You’re friendship means a _lot_ to me, ok? To the point where it’s become like, everything. I get it, that you like hate me right now. But what’s with running back to Catalano—
Angela: Do _not_ drag Jordan into this.
Rayanne: Ok. Fine. Ya know, whatever the deal is with you two, I don’t care. But Angelika, don’t I get a second chance, too?
AngVO: I had never thought of it like that. I had thought I was the only one who had gotten hurt. I guess I was wrong.

(Angela's room, introspective moments. Camera shows: Jordan and Rayanne talking in the halls, Brian at his telescope, flashback to playing catch with Brian, Angela laying on her side on her bed)
AngVO: So Rayanne and I are finally okay. I still can't trust her around Jordan. It like, kills to even _think_ about them. Especially as a “them.” I’m still in shock about Brian. _Brian Krakow wrote me that letter._ One of the most amazing things I’ve ever read was written by someone who’s like... my creepy brother, or something. And I told him he didn’t understand. I said that when it happened to him, I was gunna laugh and say “I told you so.” Which, obviously, I can't do now. So what _do_ I do?

(Camera shows Brian laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His garbage can is full of crumpled up paper – perhaps attempts at a second letter?? – and his desk is a mess. The floor is barely visible beneath all his stuff. Mellow music is playing on the stereo very quietly.)
BriVO: I shouldn’t have written that stupid letter. All it did was make her want him more. How do I always manage to screw things up? First Delia, now Angela won’t speak to me. (Quiet knock on the door) How many times to I have to tell her I’m not hungry? (gets up and moves towards door)
Angela: (softly) Brian? Your mom said you were here.
BriVO: Ohmigod.
(Brian opens the door without saying anything and then goes back to sitting on his bed. Angela stands silently in the doorway, like she’s afraid to come inside)
AngVO: I had never seen his room like this. Even when we were little, everything was always neat. Nothing was out of place. Now, it looked like a tornado had come through.

now what???? :?

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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Aug 10th 2004, 2:35 am

Nice start guest! Here are my initial thoughts, responses, and questions. Most of these are just things for you to think about and take into consideration.

I’m not sure that three different characters having such extended voice overs in the same episode works. (There has been some discussion of this in this forum.)
And I can't like, erase that.
Sounds a little funny. Why “erase”?
I think it’s good that we see Jordan emotionally invested, but we don’t want to see him being needy and wimpy, things like:
But can't we just start over?
you want to take him to an emotionally vulnerable place, but you don’t want him to revel there.

I think there is a tendency to overuse the VO since we cannot see the actors faces, but let us make meaning of what the characters are thinking for ourselves. Ex:
JorVO: Say something. Say _anything._
It was like I was seeing him for the first time, cuz for the first time, I looked at Jordan Catalano, and I saw... a person. He wasn’t some unreachable fantasy, he had _flaws._ He was normal.
Why is she seeing this now, why not after he slept with Rayanne? What is making her see something new? Is she actually seeing something new?

So, are you saying that the fact that he didn’t write the letter for himself makes her question if she loves him?

How has Jordan gone from not being able to write a letter to her to telling her he loves her?
(Rickie shakes his head in agreement)
Nods

Brian: Hey, Angela! (She doesn’t notice) Angela!!!
I don’t think that after being left there hanging, Brian would be calling after her down the hall in that way.

AngVO: I don’t understand Jordan Catalano. It’s like he has this power to just do what he wants, when he wants. Like this unbelievable freedom. And whenever I think I’ve got him figured out, he goes and does something surprising. Like this tutoring thing. He’ll go and Brian will help him and he’ll learn, but then he skips class. Like he just doesn’t care about anything. A week ago, I would have said he doesn’t care about anyone, either. But now I know that... that isn’t the truth. Because he _does_ care. He does have emotions.
This part doesn’t really work. What are you referring to when you say he does whatever he wants? How many times do we have to hear Angela say something about not understanding Jordan, then learning something and being totally surprised, and then it all changes etc. ?? Why is she wondering about tutoring now, when he has been doing it for a while?

Jordan: Hey. (Pause) Look, if you don’t wanna be—
Angela: (smiling) With you? (Jordan looks up at her) Who said that?
(Camera zooms out as they hug, then shows Brian watching as this takes place)
What’s the sudden change? Why is she suddenly ready to be with him when she clearly was not the day before?
Can we have this conversation later? Like somewhere away from everyone else?
Maybe a little harsh, try rewording it.
Thai
Can you get Thai food in Three Rivers? :p

I get it, that you like hate me right now. But what’s with running back to Catalano—
The first part is great! I love it! As for the second part, I don’t think that Rayanne would be so blunt and accusing when she is trying to make up with Angela.
I had thought I was the only one who had gotten hurt. I guess I was wrong.
She’s just repeating what Rayanne said in “Betrayal” Why does she suddenly come to this realization?

Introspective
Right word?
AngVO: So Rayanne and I are finally okay. I still can't trust her around Jordan.
It happened that quickly? One conversation and they’re ok? Also, if they are ok, then she can trust her friend. She may feel uncomfortable about them, but if she forgives her, she should trust her.
”Especially as a “them.”” “And I told him he didn’t understand. I said that when it happened to him, I was gunna laugh and say “I told you so.”
You don’t have make such obvious references back to earlier shows.
my creepy brother, or something.
I don’t think Angela would say “creepy” to describe a person, and not Brian. I also strongly don’t think that Angela thinks of Brian as a brother.

Good luck with finishing, I know it’s hard. I look forward to reading it when you have finished!
Kickstart The Riches movie!

Guest

Post by Guest » Aug 10th 2004, 5:49 am

That was definitely a little more than I had expected, but thanks for think through it all! I still havent seen a few of the episodes all the way through and others only once, so if stuff doesnt agree with what happened previously, thats why.
I've changed little details and gotten rid of lines (and voiceovers) that slow things down too much to make things more true to the characters, which I wouldnt have noticed, so thank you for that.

As for the Jordan actually explaining, I kind of saw him in more of a moment of desperation, when he himself is also partially realizing how great Angela was. Which would put Angela in to shock, since former obsession had suddenly become completely attainable. (I mean seriously, I would hyperventilate. This coming from a teenager involved in a semi-similar situation. Only not. . . )
For Brian and Angela in the hall, I was seeing more of Angela being about a foot away from him, completely absorbed in Jordan's presence, so Brian wouldn't be yelling across a crowded hallway. Very un-brian to yell over a ton of people.
The tutoring bit: why go to tutoring if you're going to skip class later?? Its like "whaa?"
As for Angela being harsh, I've always seen her as very self-absorbed and unaware of how people she's angry with feel. And pretty damn mean to Brian. Plus I can't see either of them being willing to get into that conversation in front of everyone.
Still can't figure out that creepy brother bit. Been staring at it for half an hour, too. Ack.

BeverlyHills_RockStar16
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Location: Beverly Hills

Post by BeverlyHills_RockStar16 » Aug 9th 2005, 6:48 pm

THAT WAS A LIKE PRETTY BAD STORY ... NO OFFENCE OR WHATEVER BUT ABGELA DOSENT LIKE THINK OF BRIAN AS HER CREEPY LITTLE BROTHER? WHATEVER
rockiced_dimonds_BeverlyHills style
shopping is amazing

murfdurf22
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i loved it

Post by murfdurf22 » Aug 29th 2005, 4:34 pm

i loved the story, a few mistakes and a lot of things i think you could switch around and reword. ANd I think you used the word, introspective in the wrong way. Not positive, but i'm quite sure you did, other than that it's all good.

And Beverly hills person, you don't have to be so mean, the story wasn't pretty bad, it was pretty good, especially for it being the "guest" first fan fiction, just give her a break, mistakes can be fixed, my God, i thought it was a great start!

And to the guest, I hope you continue to write this, i would love to read more.

BeverlyHills_RockStar16
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Re: my first ff

Post by BeverlyHills_RockStar16 » Sep 2nd 2005, 1:09 pm

Anonymous wrote:ppl kept bugging me to write and Episode 20, this is what i've got so far. any opinions/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

(Scene picks up where Ep. 19 left off)
(Parked, Buffalo Tom is playing quietly on the radio. Angela and Jordan are both sitting uncomfortably. Jordan is looking at Angela, Angela is staring straight ahead)
Jordan: I don’t know–
Angela: Why didn’t you write it? Brian Krakow, of all people!
Jordan: Angela! Could you like, listen to me?
AngVO: I had never _stopped_ listening.
(Pause)
JorVO: You know what to say. You _can’t_ freeze this time. You can't lose her again.
Jordan: (slowly becoming more emotional, struggling to find the right words) I know what I did is wrong. I know that I should have been the one to write it. I know that now. And I know that you’re one of the best things in my life. I don’t wanna screw up anymore. I don’t wanna be that person. Angela, you made me better. And I... I’ve... I don’t deserve y—
Angela: (almost crying) It hurt, Jordan. And I can't like, erase that.
Jordan: I know. But can't we just start over?
(Angela turns to face Jordan. There is silence for a moment. Angela tucks her hair behind her ear and is about to say something when Jordan kisses her. As he pulls away, a tear slides down Angela’s cheek. She opens the door, gets out, and lingers for a moment before she slides down the car to sit on the ground and begins to cry. Jordan goes to hold her)
Jordan: (whispering) I love you, Angela.
(Pause)
JorVO: Say something. Say _anything._
(Angela lifts her head and looks in to Jordan’s eyes, like she’s deciding whether or not she believes him)
AngVO: It was like I was seeing him for the first time, cuz for the first time, I looked at Jordan Catalano, and I saw... a person. He wasn’t some unreachable fantasy, he had _flaws._ He was normal.
Angela: Yesterday, I was so sure I felt the same, but now... I just need a few days to think about everything that’s happened. (Pause) I’m sorry
Jordan: (trying to mask his disappointment) C’mon, I’ll take you home.
(In Jordan’s car outside of the chase house: Angela opens the door and hesitates for a moment. She gives Jordan a quick kiss on the cheek before getting out)

(Liberty High, Girls Bathroom)
Angela: And the things he said to me like opened this door to a whole other side of him! It was... unbelievable.
Rickie: Wow.
Sharon: So what about Brian?
Angela: I can't even _deal_ with Brian Krakow right now. Besides, I still have to talk to Jordan.
Sharon: Chase Face, you gotta talk to him eventually. You’re neighbors, remember? (Rickie shakes his head in agreement)
Angela: I was trying to forget.
(Rayanne walks in)
Angela: I uh... I gotta get to class... (Exits)
Rayanne: So she forgives Catalano, but still won’t talk to me. _That_ makes sense.

(Scene shows Angela walking down the hallway. Jordan is walking in the opposite direction, oblivious to what’s around him. Angela walks past Brian, completely absorbed in Jordan's presence. Brian’s face gets that pained look.)
Brian: Hey, Angela! (She doesn’t notice) Angela!!!
Angela: Huh? Oh sorry... I-I’m gunna be late to Soc but I’ll – I’ll see you later...
AngVO: If I can find some way to explain everything to you.

(Angela is sitting in class, watching Jordan through the window as he leans against his car)
AngVO: I don’t understand Jordan Catalano. It’s like he has this power to just do what he wants, when he wants. Like this unbelievable freedom. And whenever I think I’ve got him figured out, he goes and does something surprising. Like this tutoring thing. He’ll go and Brian will help him and he’ll learn, but then he skips class. Like he just doesn’t care about anything. A week ago, I would have said he doesn’t care about anyone, either. But now I know that... that isn’t the truth. Because he _does_ care. He does have emotions.
(Bell rings, Angela continues to stare out the window for a moment before heading out to him.)

(Jordan sees Angela approaching and lowers his head.)
Angela: Hey.
Jordan: Hey. (Pause) Look, if you don’t wanna be—
Angela: (smiling) With you? (Jordan looks up at her) Who said that?
(Camera zooms out as they hug, then shows Brian watching as this takes place)

(On steps in front of school, Angela is sitting alone eating her lunch. Brian quietly comes to sit by her)
Brian: So... I saw you with Jordan earlier
Angela: Can we have this conversation later? Like somewhere away from everyone else?
Brian: Yeah, sure. I mean whatever. (Pause) I just wanted to say that I’m, ya know... sorry. (Exits)

(Rickie and Rayanne are eating lunch – Thai this time {2 words: Tino} - on the bleachers)
Rayanne: I screwed everything up. She still won’t talk to me.
Rickie: Well, will she listen?
Rayanne: Not last time.
Rickie: When was last time?
Rayanne: I dunno. Like a week ago? (like “hey what if...”) Maybe I should just _make_ her listen. (Pause) Got a drink?
Rickie: [Don’t even start look]
Rayanne: (sarcastically) Well! You’re no fun. (chewing) So, how goes it over at Katimsky’s?

(After school, on the front steps. Angela is walking alone when Rayanne sees her)
Rayanne: Hey! Angelika! Wait Up! (Angela gets one of those “Just shoot me now” looks) Look, you don’t have to talk. You’ve made it clear you don’t _want_ to talk, either. But just... listen, ok?
Angela: Fine. I’m listening. (still all pissed off)
Rayanne: Ok. I was drunk, ok? I would _never_ do something to hurt you like that. You’re friendship means a _lot_ to me, ok? To the point where it’s become like, everything. I get it, that you like hate me right now. But what’s with running back to Catalano—
Angela: Do _not_ drag Jordan into this.
Rayanne: Ok. Fine. Ya know, whatever the deal is with you two, I don’t care. But Angelika, don’t I get a second chance, too?
AngVO: I had never thought of it like that. I had thought I was the only one who had gotten hurt. I guess I was wrong.

(Angela's room, introspective moments. Camera shows: Jordan and Rayanne talking in the halls, Brian at his telescope, flashback to playing catch with Brian, Angela laying on her side on her bed)
AngVO: So Rayanne and I are finally okay. I still can't trust her around Jordan. It like, kills to even _think_ about them. Especially as a “them.” I’m still in shock about Brian. _Brian Krakow wrote me that letter._ One of the most amazing things I’ve ever read was written by someone who’s like... my creepy brother, or something. And I told him he didn’t understand. I said that when it happened to him, I was gunna laugh and say “I told you so.” Which, obviously, I can't do now. So what _do_ I do?

(Camera shows Brian laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His garbage can is full of crumpled up paper – perhaps attempts at a second letter?? – and his desk is a mess. The floor is barely visible beneath all his stuff. Mellow music is playing on the stereo very quietly.)
BriVO: I shouldn’t have written that stupid letter. All it did was make her want him more. How do I always manage to screw things up? First Delia, now Angela won’t speak to me. (Quiet knock on the door) How many times to I have to tell her I’m not hungry? (gets up and moves towards door)
Angela: (softly) Brian? Your mom said you were here.
BriVO: Ohmigod.
(Brian opens the door without saying anything and then goes back to sitting on his bed. Angela stands silently in the doorway, like she’s afraid to come inside)
AngVO: I had never seen his room like this. Even when we were little, everything was always neat. Nothing was out of place. Now, it looked like a tornado had come through.

now what???? :?
thats it... thats not even a story u havent finished writing it or whatever... so finish it cuz i wannsa read the rest! and i dont think angela wouldnt speak 2 brian, she would!
rockiced_dimonds_BeverlyHills style
shopping is amazing

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Jody Barsch*
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Post by Jody Barsch* » Apr 30th 2006, 5:37 pm

Jody Barsch* wrote:
AngVO: I don’t understand Jordan Catalano. It’s like he has this power to just do what he wants, when he wants. Like this unbelievable freedom. And whenever I think I’ve got him figured out, he goes and does something surprising. Like this tutoring thing. He’ll go and Brian will help him and he’ll learn, but then he skips class. Like he just doesn’t care about anything. A week ago, I would have said he doesn’t care about anyone, either. But now I know that... that isn’t the truth. Because he _does_ care. He does have emotions.
This part doesn’t really work. What are you referring to when you say he does whatever he wants? How many times do we have to hear Angela say something about not understanding Jordan, then learning something and being totally surprised, and then it all changes etc. ?? Why is she wondering about tutoring now, when he has been doing it for a while?
I'm rethinking this comment.
I still think this was a great draft. Was the final version of this story ever posted anywhere?? And Raineedazed deleted her draft ...
Kickstart The Riches movie!

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