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doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:58 am

I guess.. going back to what candygirl said earlier.. im also fed up with the fact that he seems to be getting whatever he wants from this friendship. I try to be sensitive to him and his gf so i withhold a lot. But he feels free to tell me these intimate details of his relationship and unloads all of this stuff on me that i dont want or need to hear. If i were to unload everything the way he is.... i would cause a lot of trouble and i don't because of that.

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fnordboy
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Post by fnordboy » Jul 23rd 2003, 12:59 am

I am basically going to echo what candygirl said, mainly because IMO she is dead on. He can bitch and complain as much as he wants but he is still with her. It is his choice, nobody is really trapped in a relationship. He is definitely enjoying the best of both worlds, he has his girlfriend and he has you. He knows you are always there and if the need arose he may see you as a "backup" to put it bluntly. Guys do that, hell a lot of people do that (women included). I don't know if this is true or not but, he may tell you these things because he knows he can and he knows how it affects you and keeps you around. I am not saying it is malicious, that very well may not be the case, but somewhere inside him he knows.

You shouldn't feel like you should be there for him because you are his friend. You have told him how it makes you feel, you are under no obligation to listen to him and to have him put you in an awkward situation.

And don't be frustrated that you care, that can not be helped. It is hard not to care about someone after you have shared a relationship with them.
doodles444s wrote:Now I feel like such a kid (not because what you said...) just because of how I am.
Kinda the whole situation.
I like our friendship and the fact that we can be friends. But when I discussed with him the problem between his gf and I, he said he understood both our points (i understand her point).. and that he understands me being uncomfortable with his girlfriend since we were together once. But I have indicated a few times I didn't need to know the intimate details of their relationship and he continues to tell me about her problem with me and their problems between each other. I know we are friends and I should be there for him about it. But if he understands how I could feel uncomfortable about it, then why would he let me in on these little details. I guess I just have to tell him a little more seriously that I don't feel comfortable knowing these things.
And when we were talking at his party he was saying things that were more towards flirting than things that a friend would say and about pretty personal things. And it frustrates me because I know it shouldn't let me hope, but it does.
It frustrates me that I even still care, which i know you guys can't do anything about...

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:01 am

This is besides the point.. but i know he isnt trapped :)

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Post by JPP13 » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:02 am

See doodles, you knew the answer all along. All I was suggesting was following your instincts. I'm not saying to forget about him, because that's impossible. But the way you are discussing it, seems to me you are on the right path. Appreciate what he has done for you. You will meet many great guys at college - doesn't mean they are better than him, but in the end you will meet someone who is better for you. But you'll have to let yourself.

I have no worries about you. You'll be fine. :)

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:05 am

If you have established where you want the boundaries to be, then it is up to you to enforce those boundaries when he tries to cross them. If you have told him that you don't want to hear about intimate details of their relationship, then the next time he starts telling you about that kind of stuff, tell him, "I already told you that hearing about this makes me uncomfortable" and change the subject. The fact that he continues to tell you about aspects of his relationship that you have told him you don't know to know about says that he doesn't respect your wishes. If this is true of the topics of discussion, is this true of other areas of your friendship?
Natasha aka candygirl :: MSCL.com

Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:08 am

Thanks :P
I think it was just when i was in school I didn't really see him because when i came to visit he wasn't really around. But now i am home and he is around more than he used to be. And after our talk on fourth of july weekend and just spending a lot of the weekend with him.. it built things up a bit.

I just had huge problems with a boss at a summer job and I ended up quitting.. so i think the stress from him blended with the stress from the job and it piled on top of each other.
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared, and love me when I'm gone
Everything I am, and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down, even if I could

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Post by JPP13 » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:13 am

Doodles, the 3 most stressful things any of us face are a changing relationship, moving, and a new job. Sounds like you hit all 3 at once. Summer will be over soon enough, and things will fall back into place. Seriously, you are doing fine.

Are you an art student? I always envy creative people.

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:13 am

Oh-- I see your point with that and about other aspects of our friendship.. he has always respected me. With this situation, I can't remember exactly what I said about hearing details of his relationship, so it must have been at least a year ago. I have a feeling that although i said something about it, I may have said it in a manner that he didn't take seriously (because with a lot of my friends i am a sarcastic and joking person like all the time.. because most of my friends are guys that joke around a lot) and the fact that I haven't really said anything when he told me things since then... also i may have tried not tomake too big of a deal about it, so that he wouldnt think anything about it or behind what i was saying.. Im sorry but i cant remember the details of how i said it to him... but i may try to explain it again and more seriously..
sorry if im being confusing.. and it is so late i can't seem to type correctly

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:17 am

Im a graphic design major with a minor in Communication Media.. The graphic design in our school is more design focused than computer so the communication media is more computer focused. My major is studio art and my "concentration" is graphic design. I've been interested in art all my life and took 4 years of it in high school too. However, if someone paid for school I would just continue to go for the rest of my life.. because I'm also interested in psychology and french and etc. :)
My dad also has a bachelor in fine arts from an art school
thanks
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared, and love me when I'm gone
Everything I am, and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down, even if I could

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Natasha (candygirl)
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Post by Natasha (candygirl) » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:20 am

Well, people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. If you really don't want to hear personal stuff about his girlfriend, sit him down and tell him that you are serious. It is your responsibility to verbalize how you feel (because he is not a mind reader) and then to remind him if he crosses that line.
Natasha aka candygirl :: MSCL.com

Look, if this is weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer.
You could have sex with me if you really want to help...I guess that's a "no"?

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:24 am

Yup

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GaryEA
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Post by GaryEA » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:29 am

Hi doodles,

I've given your letter a lot of thought and I'm going to tell you what I derived from it.

First of all, you have no reason to feel foolish or embarrassed with your posts. You've offered us something very honest, and I for one appreciate your honesty.

Okay, the letter itself. As someone who has hit bottom hard myself, I can understand your frustration. Also, your continued frustration makes perfect sense to me.

Here's why - You describe yourself as a perfectionist, and you still are. There's nothing wrong with that, it's how you deal with it is the key, and if I'm reading your post right, I think you have a good handle on what you need to do to stay healthy and happy.

The problem is that you haven't had the opportunity to get over him. At all. He's within your circle of friends (hard), he's with someone described as being a lot like yourself (harder), and your own relationships after him haven't been as fufilling (hardest).

To make it more complicated, you and he have switched roles - he's more conservative and you are looking to get piercings.

So, there he is, still in your life, still representing unresolved feelings, and -- stop me if I'm off base here, please -- the perfectionist in you wants to make it right. But you can't.

I wish I could give you the easy answer, the magic sentence that can sort it all out, but I can't. None of us here can, and I'm sure you know that. But you've asked us for opinions and you've gotten some already, and I hope it's helped.

The key thing I see within your letter is that you have not had the chance to stand on your own without some aspect of him affecting it. You need to be able to look t yourself, like where you're at, and if not, be strong in your opinion that you are going to do the best things for yourself. If that means taking a break from the group and not seeing him for a while, or politely saying to him that "talking wouldn't be a good idea for now because I have some things I need to go through", then do it. Stand on your own, without him in the picture, and get to know you and only you.

Please do not take my words the wrong way - you are doing fine. The fact that you can admit to all of your faults is key to taking care of yourself. I know this. Your frustration is youtelling yourself that something is off-base and it needs to be fixed, but the fact that you've been frustrated for so long also tells me that you have to try something different now.

I hope this helps.

Gary

Edited because I just cannot spell! :oops:
Last edited by GaryEA on Jul 23rd 2003, 1:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:30 am

sorry-- didn't mean for the short post its getting kinda late here and mind isnt functioning like it is supposed to. I understand that I am helping creating the problem and it is probably because i don't like causing trouble for other people.. which i have to learn.. so to bring it up with him it could open a discussin i dont want to have.. so i guess im bad and put it off.. i dont know at this point

doodles444s
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Post by doodles444s » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:38 am

Gary-- thanks for that post.. I actually started crying while reading it because you have hit it on the base.. it is something i can't fix and there is no perfect answer.. which i know... every thing i can do or not do is hard in itself. whether it be continuing the way i am, or telling him I need to stand alone.

The problem is that you haven't had the opportunity to get over him. At all. He's within your circle of friends (hard), he's with someone described as being a lot like yourself (harder), and your own relationships after him haven't been as fufilling (hardest).
that hit home because its what i feel its true.
jeez.. i feel like im making no sense and hopefully i am at this point...

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GaryEA
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Post by GaryEA » Jul 23rd 2003, 1:47 am

doodles, you are making sense in every way. I can tell that you already know what is wrong, it's where to go next is the part that's so hard. Trust me - I know.

So put away the tears and think of this - If I can still trust a man I had a relationship with, and I will entrust a group of strangers (us) with my story, who is left to earn trust from?

Yourself.

It may not happen today, tomorrow or next week, but you're trying to earn your own trust, regain confidence and move on. Tonight is a part of it. Don't cry. It's been a good night. You excised your fears onto paper and faced them head on. Bravo.

Take what you've already known, what we've said, and continue to search for what it takes for you to accept you again - unconditionally.

Gary

doodles444s wrote:Gary-- thanks for that post.. I actually started crying while reading it because you have hit it on the base.. it is something i can't fix and there is no perfect answer.. which i know... every thing i can do or not do is hard in itself. whether it be continuing the way i am, or telling him I need to stand alone.

The problem is that you haven't had the opportunity to get over him. At all. He's within your circle of friends (hard), he's with someone described as being a lot like yourself (harder), and your own relationships after him haven't been as fufilling (hardest).
that hit home because its what i feel its true.
jeez.. i feel like im making no sense and hopefully i am at this point...

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