The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week - by Kim

[Natasha (candygirl)]

13.23: Doctor, doctor

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was one of the later episodes of Little House on the Prairie. Shout-out to my peeps in the Little House thread, even if they don't like to read my recaps! Holla! Anyway, in this episode, Laura announces that she's pregnant, and then Ma is like, "Hey, me too!" which I found kind of creepy but I guess in those days, when people got married at, like, sixteen, it would have been a lot more common, because no one is really shocked or grossed out.

So Pa is all fired up because he thinks he might finally get a son, which is kind of rude to Albert, because even though he is adopted, they always made a point of telling him that he was an Ingalls and s**t. So then Ma goes to Doc Baker to find out when she's due, and I'm glad I don't live in Walnut Grove, where you go to the same doctor for a cough, a broken leg, and a pregnancy test. Although now that I think about it, I only had one doctor growing up.

(Sidebar: My brother and I were asking my mom a few months ago why she never took us to a pediatrician as kids; we just went to the regular doctor in town. She said that she took one of us (couldn't remember which one) to a pediatrician once, and the pediatrician said that one of us had a heart murmur. So instead of, you know, getting that checked out, my mom just never went back to that pediatrician. And she still doesn't remember if it was my brother or me. My mom is crazy.)

Anyway, Doc Baker is like, "You're not pregnant." And Ma insists that she's missed two cycles, and Doc Baker tells her that she's going through the change, except he doesn't even say "the change" or "menopause" and I remember watching this episode when I was a little kid, and I totally didn't know what in the hell was going on, and I think I asked my mom, and given the story referenced above, I doubt I got a satisfactory answer. So Ma begs Doc Baker not to tell Pa, and promises to tell him herself in time. So Ma practically has a nervous breakdown on the way home because she doesn't think Pa will love her anymore because she's not "a whole woman." So then Doc Baker finds out that Ma hasn't told Pa yet and he basically blackmails her into telling him, like, what business is it of Doc Baker's anyway? And I guess they didn't have doctor/patient confidentiality on the prairie.

So then Albert runs and gets Pa at work and says that Ma is crying in bed, so Pa rushes home and Ma lies and says that she lost the baby. So Pa goes to see Doc Baker, for some unknown reason, and Doc Baker is like, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier," and Pa is no slouch in the brains department so he figures out that Ma was never pregnant at all, and Doc Baker explains why Ma lied. So then Pa goes and sees Laura, and she tells him to prove to Ma that he still loves her, like, isn't Laura a little too involved in her parents' marriage?

So Pa decides to take Ma out of town on a vacation to go to a wedding of the son of their childhood friends. And on the way, they stop and camp out because there was no Motel 6 back then, and Pa makes up this whole story about how he didn't even know if he wanted the baby because he would be an old dad, and he was looking forward to having alone time with Ma, and she says she was feeling the same way, and I guess they had a change of heart about two seasons later when they adopted James and Cassandra, and meanwhile, they still have Grace who's, like, two, so there isn't going to be any alone time for a while, but whatever.

So then they meet their friends and the friends' family, and then they go to see Ma's childhood home and Ma goes up to her old bedroom window and Pa climbs up the trellis and they reminisce about how Pa proposed right there, and then the trellis breaks and Pa goes crashing to the ground, but he's okay. And then they decide to renew their vows, like, did people even do that back then? So then the son of the childhood friend asks Ma and Pa to make it a double wedding, and if there's anything gayer than a double wedding, it's a double wedding where one couple is renewing their vows. So Ma and Pa renew their vows and Ma is happy once again and totally forgets that she's a barren shell of a woman, and everyone is happy. Which is awesome.

[Megs]

So Ma and Pa renew their vows and Ma is happy once again and totally forgets that she's a barren shell of a woman, and everyone is happy. Which is awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

I'm glad this season of the Real World is FINALLY over (as Kim points out in this week's recap, the Paris season began airing in MAY - sheesh!). The only thing I'm sad about is that this means you are looking at the last installment of The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a TV movie on the Lifetime Movie Network called Dying to Dance. First of all, the title is awesome, and I bet you could figure out the whole plot just from the title. Take a second. I'll wait. Okay, it starred Robin Scorpio as a young dancer, and her parents were Gale Leery and (wait for it!) Rick Springfield. How awesome is that! So Robin Scorpio gets into some prestigious ballet company, even though her boobs were way too big for that to happen, not to mention that she's way too short. Oh, and she's also not a good dancer.

So then there are the obligatory scenes where there's a mean guy in charge and a stern but kind ballet teacher, and bitchy girls in the locker room, and the sassy black best friend, and the straight male dancer, and you're like, "Wait, is this Center Stage?" and then you realize it's not, because it's not that good. And then Robin Scorpio's mentor drops dead during rehearsal from anorexia or something related to diet pills. So then you'd think Robin Scorpio would realize that the ballet company was bullshit, but instead she keeps getting crap about her "line," which is code for "fat ass."

So she stops eating and starts taking "herbals" and Gale Leery is all worried about her and Rick Springfield is a workaholic so he really doesn't care and there's an awesome scene where Robin Scorpio decides that she needs to do a thousand stomach crunches, and they show the clock ticking and it's an hour and forty-five minutes later and she's STILL DOING CRUNCHES, like, is that even possible? Then Robin passes out and has to go to the hospital, but she manages to convince everyone that it was a momentary lapse, and she goes back to dancing because she's...wait for it...dying to dance.

So then Gale Leery starts snooping around Robin's room and finds a shrine to anorexia which features photos of Robin Scorpio with "Fat Pig" written on them and s**t like that, so she pulls Robin Scorpio out of the company and threatens the mean head guy with a lawsuit because he sent Robin Scorpio a letter telling her to lose weight and then there's a big benefit for the dead mentor and Mrs. Dead Mentor gets up and gives a big speech about how terrible eating disorders are and then they do a dance from The Lion King or something similarly ethnic and Robin Scorpio is cured! Which was awesome.

I am very pleased to present a bonus edition of TMATISOTTW:

Since I didn't do one last week, I thought I'd bring you a bonus Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week this time around. The bonus most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the episode of Little House on the Prairie where Nellie was a bitch to Laura. Oh, wait. That was every third episode. This particular episode took place not long after what may be my favorite LHOTP (that's what the cool kids call it) ever, which was the "Gift of the Magi"-inspired Christmas episode in which Laura sells her pony, Bunny, to Nellie Oleson so that she could buy Ma a new stove, but Pa already bought Ma a new stove.

So it starts in the schoolhouse, and Nellie is all torturing Laura by talking about how great Bunny is, and you knew something was up because Nellie was sitting right behind Laura and Mary instead of in her regular seat on the left side in the second row where she belongs. So then Laura sees Nellie riding Bunny, and totally beating the horse with a whip, and Bunny takes off through the fields and Nellie runs into a low-hanging branch and falls off. And "Nellie" was clearly a man wearing a blond wig. So then Doc Baker comes and says that Nellie is fine, and that she has a concussion, but that she should sleep it off, when everyone knows that you aren't supposed to go to sleep if you have a concussion, like, can I see your diploma again, Doc Baker?

So then Nellie has no feeling in her legs and they show super close-ups of Doc Baker pushing a needle into Nellie's toes, and her toenails are really gross, like it wouldn't have bothered me one bit if they had anachronistically given Nellie a pedicure. So Harriet is distraught and tells Nels to shoot Bunny, and Laura hears this and steals Bunny and puts her in the barn, and Ma and Pa and Nels all know but they don't care because they know it's not Bunny's fault.

So then Nellie totally milks the whole paralyzed thing to get candy and new toys and one night Willie discovers Nellie dancing around her bedroom and she's not paralyzed at all, but Nellie promises to share her candy if Willie keeps his mouth shut. And Nellie takes advantage of Laura's guilt by getting Laura to do all her homework and Laura starts falling behind in her chores and at school because she's so busy doing Nellie's homework. And Laura has to turn down a fishing trip with the family and her new boyfriend Jason in order to do her own homework on the weekend.

So Harriet goes out to the Ingalls's homestead to thank Charles for making Nellie's wheelchair, and she totally busts Laura riding Bunny. So Laura takes off on Bunny and she plans on going to the Olesons' house to apologize or something and she spots Nellie dancing around the bedroom with one of her new dolls. So Laura goes in and tells Nellie that they're supposed to go for a walk, and she pushes Nellie up a big hill in her wheelchair and then when Harriet drives by, Laura totally pushes Nellie down the hill! And Nellie goes bump bump bump and into a big pond! And then Nellie stands up and screams and Harriet thinks it's a miracle that Nellie can walk again and she falls off her carriage and then Nels tells Laura it's totally fine and even gives Bunny back. But the very last scene featured Nellie throwing a s**t fit in her bedroom and breaking all her new dolls and screaming that she would get even with Laura! So that was awesome.

Some TWoP forum members are begging Kim to add TMATISOTTW to her recaps of the Simple Life. Hee!

[Natasha (candygirl)]

The first installment of TMATISOTLW from the San Diego season of the Real World:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week wasn't actually on television. Well, it was on my television, but it was a movie I rented called The Warriors. And oh, man, was it awesome. See, it takes place in New York City in the 1970s and all the rival gangs come together for a big meeting. The best part is all the different gangs and their themes. There's one gang that dresses up like mimes. I s**t you not. There's another gang that dresses in baseball uniforms and paints their faces like KISS. Another gang is on roller skates and wears overalls. And there's a girl gang called "The Lizzies" because "The Lezzies" was probably too risqué. I guess there's sort of a plot, but it doesn't really matter, because the best part of the movie is just seeing all the different gangs.

So Wing Chun and I started making up our own themed gangs. Like what if there was a gang that wore old-timey clothes and rode around on pennyfarthings? Or a gang of nuns wielding rulers? Or what about a gang of stereotypical French men who wore striped shirts, had handlebar moustaches, and used baguettes as a weapon? I knew we should have written them down, because we came up with a lot more, and they were awesome. Wing, do you remember any? ["Rodeo clowns. A girl gang that dresses up like sexy nurses and kills people with needles. And, of course, The Founding Fathers, the awesomest one of all, and Kim's creation. Dude, I can't believe you forgot that one!" -- Wing Chun]

[Natasha (candygirl)]

This week's installment I'm like a bird:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was probably Frankie running down the pier with a towel over her head because she's scared of big boats. But since that doesn't really qualify, I guess I'll tell you all about this Lifetime Movie Network movie I watched called Prison of Secrets. Awesome title. Anyway, it starred Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as a wife and mother who, in an effort to save her boss some money, created her own consulting company and billed the company for the consulting work while she was still working there. And then when the cops came to arrest her, she didn't understand why that might be a conflict of interest. Although her boss must have really hated her to have her arrested instead of, you know, talking to her about it or just firing her. So her lawyer urges her to accept a plea bargain, but she still thinks she's done nothing wrong, so she wants to go to trial, like, what part of "conflict of interest" does she not get?

So she's totally convicted of "conflict of interest," which I didn't know was a crime punishable by imprisonment, but whatever. So when she gets to prison, she quickly learns that the prison guard, Kevin Arnold's dad, forces the female inmates to have sex. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist wants to expose this practice, and she tells her husband on visiting day, and he's basically like, "As long as they're not bothering you, stay out of it," like, nice attitude, husband. But then the husband sees Mr. Arnold totally feel up Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist while he's supposed to be frisking her, and he gets pissed. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist gets her lawyer to file a lawsuit against the prison, but they need signed affadavits from the victims, and no one wants to do it.

And then there's this one awesome scene where Rusty needs a sanitary napkin and the guard won't give it to her and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist busts into the supply room and starts throwing supplies up into the air, giving new meaning to Always with Wings. So then the other prisoners like her, because she took care of their menstrual needs, and her husband is also using his radio show to publicize what's going on in the prison. So then the victims write up their statements and smuggle them out of the prison with the help of a sympathetic female guard, and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist is freed, which doesn't really make sense, because it's not like she was innocent of the crime for which she was convicted. But it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

This week's installment is a little something I like to call"it's just like what happened to Britney except not!":

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was an episode of Little House that the forum posters tipped me off about. A widower and his son move to Walnut Grove. Nellie Oleson totally gets the hots for the son, Luke, even though he's a big hick who wears overalls and no shoes, and even though she's usually a total bitch. Nellie invites Luke to dinner, and Harriet is all psyched when Nellie says that Luke's dad own a huge farm, but then Luke shows up and they play hayseed-type music and he doesn't wear shoes and he eats the entire hunk of meat instead of taking one slice and Harriet forbids Nellie from seeing Luke again.

So Harriet enlists Miss Beadle to tell Luke's dad, Adam, to stop the relationship, and Miss Beadle is all over that since she thinks Adam is a hottie, and she goes out to his farm, and they totally fall in love, and the most awesome part is that their names are Adam and Eva. So the next day after school, Luke and Mary Ingalls go to the mercantile to buy a ring, and Nels and Harriet totally think that Luke has thrown Nellie over for Mary (and who wouldn't, because Mary was kind of hot and Nellie was a bitch). But it turns out Luke just wanted Mary to pick out a ring for Nellie.

So then Nellie and Luke go on a picnic or something with Adam and Miss Beadle and everyone's all in love, and Adam asks Miss Beadle to marry him, and she's all freaked out because she's old and washed up, like he's a spring chicken or something. So then Luke asks Nellie to marry him, and she asks Miss Beadle about it, but Miss Beadle thinks they're talking about her life, so she basically tells Nellie to go for it. And Nellie runs off in the strangest run I've ever seen, like she has her hands clutching the sides of her dress and she shuffles along at one inch per hour, and I rewound that about ten times.

So Luke and Nellie elope to Mankado or Sleepy Eye or something and Harriet finds out and yells, "Nels! Get the shotgun!" So Harriet and Nels have to ride together on a horse because Luke and Nellie took the buckboard, and Harriet totally falls off the horse, which was hilarious. So they go to see Adam and Miss Beadle is scandalously there and Harriet is all shocked, but then all four adults go to Sleepy Eye, but when they get there, Luke and Nellie are already married! So Luke and Nellie get a hotel room and get into their pajamas and I was kind of wondering if Nellie would even know what to do, but I figured Luke would since he grew up on a farm and probably dealt with animal husbandry and stuff. And Luke's rocking his red long underwear, as you do, and then Harriet and Nels burst into the room and Harriet yells, "Nels! Make her a widow!" And Harriet grabs the shotgun and fires it into the ceiling and Luke takes off and runs into his dad, who marches him back upstairs.

So then they go back to the justice of the peace, who basically tears up the marriage certificate and declares Nellie and Luke unmarried, like, is that really how it works? ["There weren't any divorce lawyers on the prairie, evidently." -- Wing Chun] And while they're there, Adam and Miss Beadle decide to tie the knot, and Miss Beadle smiles really wide and you realize that her mouth is basically a rectangle and it's no wonder she was a spinster, because that's creepy. And then after that episode, I don't think you ever heard anything about Nellie and Luke again, as is usually the case in Walnut Grove. Which is awesome.

[grim4746]

The Little House installments of The Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV This Week are always my favorite. but I love all of them. It's also great when they are about crappy tv movies I remember watching when I was in high school and then making fun of with my friends for years afterwards. the mocking that comes after is definitely worth the two hours spent watching terrible television. But the Little House summaries make me want to go by the dvd sets and force my friends to watch them. I think i'll be able to contain myself though.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

Pssst - there is a Little House marathon this Sunday (it's girlie anti-Super Bowl programming) so set your VCR/TiVo!

Tonight I actually caught the tail end of a movie that I thought was perfect for TMATISOTTW - I had a free preview of the Fox movie channel and they were showing something called Mephisto Waltz, a horrid 70s movie starring Alan Alda and Jacqueline Bisset. Alan Alda plays a journalist who used to play the piano. He interviews a terminally ill famous pianist and they become friends. The famous guy is really a satanist, so he becomes friends with Alan Alda so that he can do some satanic spell and take over Alan Alda's body, supposedly because Alan Alda has great piano hands. Seriously. Once the famous guy has successfully taken over Alan Alda's body, he resumes his career as a pianist but everyone thinks it's Alan Alda who is a great pianist. He also hooks up with his own daughter Roxanne (meaning the pianist's daughter, not Alan Alda's daughter). Jacqueline Bisset figures out what is going on, but instead of being totally grossed out, she just wants her husband back (even though technically it's not her husband - it's the pianist in her husband's body), "even if just one more time." She decides if you can't beat them, join them. She does a satanic spell and trades bodies with Roxanne. Roxanne in Jacqueline Bisset's body commits suicide in the bathtub and Jacqueline Bisset in Roxanne's body gets to have sex with her husband's body again. Strangely disturbing, but I did yell "AWESOME" when I saw Jacqueline Bisset whack Roxanne in the head with a wrench and then she tumbled down the stairs. The whole time I was watching, I hoped that Kim or Megs was watching too!

[grim4746]

Pssst - there is a Little House marathon this Sunday (it's girlie anti-Super Bowl programming) so set your VCR/TiVo!

Not that I'm really interested or anything but what channel is airing this marathon?

[Natasha (candygirl)]

The Hallmark Channel - interestingly, I found out because my boyfriend was watching reruns of Magnum on that channel. Who knew?!

[Natasha (candygirl)]

Bring It On!

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week may have been Randy's scribble taped to his chest, but that doesn't really count. I also rewatched one of the classic Lifetime movies, called Death Of A Cheerleader. (It's also been aired under the title A Friend To Die For.) Anyway, Becca Thatcher plays a goody two-shoes who transfers from Catholic school to public school and has trouble fitting in. She idolizes the popular girls, and the most popular of them all is Tori Spelling, of course.

So Becca decides to become popular by doing activities. She joins the Larks, which is a service organization for the popular girls. She hopes to become yearbook editor, but she doesn't get it, even though she's the best writer in the sophomore class. She hopes to become a cheerleader, even though she's not very athletic. Through it all, she wants to become best friends with Tori Spelling, even though Tori is a huge bitch. When Becca gets cut from the cheerleaders, she has a nervous breakdown, which she portrays by widening her eyes and playing with her hair more than usual. Becca's sister tries to console her while they are driving in the car, and her sister is totally eating a cucumber with a knife while driving, and she offers some to Becca by poking the knife into Becca's face, like, first of all, who eats a cucumber plain, and second of all, who slices a cucumber while driving, and third of all, her sister then totally leaves the knife in the car, like what if someone sits on it or something?

So then Becca gets the idea to take Tori to a party that she heard about. So Becca tells her parents that she's babysitting and somehow convinces her mom (Valerie Harper) to drive her over and then leave the car, even though Becca doesn't have a license, so that it will look like someone's home while she's babysitting. So Valerie Harper has to walk home in these unsafe conditions. So then Becca drives over to Tori's house, but Tori thinks the whole thing is horseshit and wants to stop and smoke a joint, except she calls it "grass" which was unintentionally hilarious. So then Tori decides to bail on the whole thing, and goes to a nearby house and asks for a ride home, and the dad gives her one, and Becca follows, and before Tori gets into her house, Becca runs up and stabs her, like, twenty times, and then runs away. And the guy giving the ride sort of saw what happened and didn't even stop and help Tori, or chase after Becca, which was weird.

So then the cops are trying to figure out who did it, and they don't know, and Becca's alibi is that she was babysitting, which the cops never even bother to check out, even though Becca fits the killer's description and drives the car that was seen leaving the murder scene. So then it's, like, ten months later and Becca feels guilty and ends up confessing and going to trial, and the trial part is really long, for no reason, because whether she's guilty of first or second degree, the punishment is the same since she's a minor. And there's this whole ridiculous trial with no jury or anything and then the judge lectures the community on being more tolerant of poor people and then Becca goes to juvenile detention. And it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

freeze frame!:

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called Cover Story. It starred Elizabeth "Jessie Spano" Berkley as a magazine editor. Go ahead and laugh. I did. Anyway, Jessie Spano is the editor of some magazine that I guess was supposed to be like Vanity Fair, in that it covered celebrities and scandal, but wasn't a tabloid. Their newsstands sales were down, so they needed a big cover story -- hencethe title of the movie. I also learned what a magazine editor does. She circles some things with a red marker, and then crosses out others. She stands in front of a bunch of cover mock-ups and talks to her staff. And she wears really slutty clothes, but offsets the skank factor by wearing glasses. All of this is done in a montage fashion.

Anyway, the actual plot was confusing, but it involved an anonymous informant sending journal pages to the magazine that implicated some sort of crime and a love affair or something. And Jessie Spano figured out that it involved Jason "Brandon Walsh" Priestley and his brother, who were financing a new dam with their mob connections. Like, who pitched this movie, and then got to that part of the plot, without making anyone laugh? A dam? Financed by the mob? And this is the heart of the movie?

So Jessie wants an interview with Brandon, but he's a recluse, so she works on his brother. And she goes back to Brandon and his brother's house (they live together?), and the brother starts hitting on her, and Jessie flirts back, and then he tells her that they are going to make love together, and instead of bursting out laughing, she gets pissed off and clocks him with a statue of Don Quixote (could I make that up?), and he ends up dead.

So in most movies, the trial would be the rest of the film, but this one went on and on and it was totally unclear why Jessie would be acquitted of the murder charges, and why she would then start an affair with Brandon, and why her gay sidekick kept letting you know he was gay in every scene by talking about how he doesn't like women and he loves fashion. And then somehow Costas Mandylor got involved, and he was a cop and also Jessie's ex-boyfriend. And then just about everyone died, including Brandon Walsh, and Jessie quit the magazine and her sidekick got the editor position, and Jessie and Costas Mandylor ran off together and lived happily ever after. And I'm still not quite sure how we got from point A to point B, but it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

NO WIRE HANGERS!:

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I watched one of my favorite movies. When did I decide that Mommie Dearest might be the most awesome movie ever made? Was it during the opening scene when Joan Crawford plunges her face into a bowl of ice? Was it in the aftermath of the infamous "wire hanger" scene when Joan forces little Christina to scrub the bathroom floor in the middle of the night? Was it right after that, when Christina's brother Christopher offers to help her clean up and she tells him to strap himself back into bed? Was it the strangely titillating scene when Christina makes out with a boy in a stable? Was it when Christina yells, "Because I am NOT one of your FANS!" and then Joan tries to strangle her and the magazine reporter discovers them? Was it when I was wondering what exactly was the deal between Joan and her assistant, Carol Ann, who totally had battered-wife syndrome? Was it when Joan told the Pepsi Board of Directors, "Don't f*** with me, fellas! It's not my first time at the rodeo," which I am totally making into my new catchphrase?

Although all of those moments (and more) were awesome, I think I realized it in the closing moments of the film, after Joan Crawford has died, and Christina and Christopher gather for the reading of her will. Joan leaves her two children nothing, and says that they know why she did it. Grown-up Christopher (played by a really young Xander Berkeley!) chuckles ruefully and says that Joan always has the last word. And Christina turns to the camera and dramatically says, "Does she? [twenty minute pause] Does she?" Because then Christina went on to write the tell-all book upon which the film was based. And it was awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

After a one week hiatus, TMATISOTTW is back!

The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a movie called A Face to Kill For starring Miss Crystal Bernard and Mr. Doug "Matt on Melrose Place" Savant. Crystal Bernard was the daughter of a horse rancher, and she was in a car accident as a teen, which left her disfigured, and also apparently unable to say the word "Daddy," because she kept pronouncing it "Diddy" and then I kept picturing her father being played by P. Diddy and it cracked me up. Anyway, Crystal was married to Matt from Melrose Place, except he was straight, and he was actually pretty good in the role, which just makes it sadder that he was never given a plot line on Melrose Place. So Matt is just married to Crystal in the hopes that he will inherit the horse ranch, and then he dopes up the horses and frames Crystal and Diddy for it. So Crystal goes to jail and Matt tampers with Diddy's car so that he dies in an accident and Matt takes over the ranch, and then he tricks Crystal into signing divorce papers while she's in jail. So then Crystal meets a sassy black lady in prison who teaches her self-esteem and then Crystal gets beat up in a fight and the doctor somehow does some experimental surgery that gets rid of the scar. Cut to Crystal post-Extreme Makeover, and she's taken on a new identity, and she's going to stick it to evil Matt. So she makes a bunch of money through investments, which she learned in prison of course, and she tries to buy back Diddy's horse farm, but Matt isn't having it, so she resorts to trickery and chicanery and exposes Matt for the sleaze that he is and he goes to jail, and Crystal ends up looking hot and hooking back up with her high-school boyfriend, who wasn't all that cute, but they seemed happy together. Which is awesome.

[Natasha (candygirl)]

14.10:

And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. I actually have a few smaller moments that were awesome, so I've been saving them up for a while. The first is when Nick Lachey appeared as Tom Jones on American Dreams. I mean, Tom Jones is pretty cheesy anyway, but Nick Lachey was horrible! And the tight pants! And the bad Brillo wig! And then they gave him lines to speak and his Welsh accent sounded sort of like David Boreanaz trying to do an Irish accent, but worse. It was so awesome.

The second awesome moment was when Jon Stewart said, "Those fuckers!" on The Daily Show and they didn't bleep it out. Mostly just because no one even noticed or commented on it in the media, and the world as we know it didn't end because someone dropped the F-bomb on basic cable.

And the third was the ending of Average Joe: Hawaii where Larissa chose boring, bland Gil over interesting and reminiscent-of-David-from-Real World Seattle Brian. But that's not the awesome part. The awesome part came when Larissa confessed that she had a deep, dark secret. And it turned out that the secret was...that she dated Fabio. What? How random. But that's not even the awesome part. The awesome part came when Gil freaked out about it and was like, running around and kicking sand. Was he upset because Fabio is so manly and he could never measure up? Was he upset because Fabio is a cheeseball and he couldn't date someone who could go out with him? And did he have a leg to stand on, as someone who appeared on Average Joe: Hawaii? Who knows? But it was completely unexpected, and bizarre, and it was awesome.