Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

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Cami A.
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Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by Cami A. » Feb 21st 2008, 5:44 am

Hi.
I'm new to My So Called Life. I was only 7 when it was TV, but I recently discovered Episodes on ABC.com and YouTube. It's my new favorite show and I am absolutely obsessed. When I saw episode #19 I was totally heartbroken that there was no more. So I started writing my own version of what I thought might happen next.

Please give me any feedback.
I am anxious to know what you all think.

Here's what I have so far ( I hope the formatting isn't too messed up--its missing the original bolds, italics i had):

Previously on My So-Called Life:
Graham and Halle Lowenfald got investors for their restaurant and are dancing around their feelings for one another. Rayanne and Angela are still not speaking in public, but Angela doesn't seem to so mad at her anymore. Sharon told Rayanne that she has one friend--Sharon. Ricky admitted to Delia Fisher that he is gay. Brian wrote a letter to Angela for Jordan Catalano. Angela made up with Jordan Catalano. Jordan Catalano made a good impression on Angela's mom. Angela found out Brian wrote the letter, and confronted him about it. Angela saw for the first time that Brian Krakow has feelings for her.

EPISODE 2x01: "THE PERSON WHO WROTE IT"
(Written by Cami A., using characters and settings created by Winnie Holzman)

[Angela walks through the hallways at school with Sharon talking enthusiastically about her own problems with Kyle, but Angela isn't paying attention because she sees Brian Krakow, who scurries by in a hurry, avoiding eye contact.]

Voice over: Love is unfair. It's like life. Like how your parents tell you life's not fair when you complain how your little sister always gets more presents at Christmas. Love is that way. I still can't believe that Brian Krakow of all people has feelings for me. And that finally, finally my relationship with Jordan Catalano is starting to make sense…but that's just the thing--it is too good to be true.

---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---

[Rickie and Angela are in the girls' restroom. Rickie is touching up his eyeliner. Angela is staring in the mirror while washing her hands.]

Voice over: Even though Jordan Catalano totally let me believe he wrote that letter, he's still Jordan Catalano. And Brian Krakow is still Brian Krakow.

Angela: I had that dream about Brian Krakow again. The one where I don't go with Jordan. Where I stay
and talk to Brian all night. Can you believe it?
Rickie: Well…actually, yeah. I can.
Angela: After, you know, the other day, I can't even look at him.

[Angela hugs Rickie from behind and lays her head against his back.]

Angela: What am I supposed to do?
Rickie: I don't know.

Voice over: I feel terrible. Once, at a school dance, I called Brian heartless. Imagine how heartless I had been. How had I not seen how much he cared? And Jordan…he still hasn't confessed that Brian wrote the letter…so how much do I really even mean to Jordan that he couldn't even write his own letter? I am truly disgusted at myself for not being able to confront him about it--after all he's done to hurt me. I am so useless when it comes to him.

[Angela is walking in the hallway holding hands with Jordan Catalano. When she sees Brian at his locker she immediately drops Jordan's hand. Brian quickly looks away.]

Angela: I am late for homeroom.
Jordan: Okay…see ya.

[Angela ducks around the corner, and leans against some lockers. Rickie passes and stops to talk].

Rickie: What's wrong?
Angela: Nothing.
Rickie: Oh ok. I hate to mention it, but I am worried about Rayanne.
Angela: Oh?
Rickie: Well she's pretending to be happy, but I can tell she's not. I am worried about her drinking and nobody being there to like, save her this time…or something.
Angela: …Then you should be there for her Rickie. I'm sorry. I'm just not ready.

[Rickie nods, kisses Angela on the cheek and runs off.]

---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---

[Angela knocks on Brian Krakow's door. Brian looks through the peep-hole, and hesitates before opening the door.]

Brian: Oh. Hi.
Angela: Hi. I was wondering if maybe we could talk I mean about Biology, like quiz each other.
Brian: Um, sure. Let's go to my room.
Angela: I brought back your Anne Frank. I mean, I know you asked for it back like so long ago, but…
Brian: Oh. Yeah, no that’s okay. I mean thanks. Or whatever.

[Angela hands Brian the book and they sit down next to each other Brian's bed. Their shoulders are touching and Angela looks straight into Brian's face. Brian is looking down at the Anne Frank book and avoiding eye contact.]

Angela: Listen Brian, about the letter…I mean, you said you meant every word.
Brian: I said forget the whole conversation.
Angela: Brian, look at me.

[Brian looks up at her startled.]

Voice over: There was definite fear in his eyes. Or was it hurt? Or love?

Angela: Brian? Tell me the truth! Don't you realize it could change everything?

Voice over: That wasn't entirely true. Brian admitting to me that he actually did write the letter and that he did like love me wouldn't change everything. I mean I still don't know if I would even break up with Jordan or say anything to him. One part of me just really wanted Brian to continue to deny it because then I could not feel so guilty about hurting his feelings. I could say that I had acknowledged them, and that he had given me his blessing to…

Angela: Don't you realize you keeping quiet is just making my life more confusing?
Brian: Oh, that’s just…poor you. I bet life is real hard!

[Angela puts her hand on Brian's knee. Brian closes his eyes tight as if trying to gain control over something. With his eyes still closed he blurts out a long string of words.]

Brian: Ok. I admit it. I wrote the letter. It was all my words. Like that day in the hallway, when Jordan said he had an unconscious wish to punish you. Me! I was using Jordan to express my true feelings to you. Because I am a coward. Because I'd never be able to do it to your face. It's just…

[Brain opens his eyes and sees that Angela's face is very close to his and she kisses him softly on the lips stopping him in mid sentence.]

Angela: You just did.

[Angela gets up and walks out of the room, leaving Brian sitting there touching his lips in disbelief. He looks down and notices he's still holding the book. There finger nail marks in his Anne Frank Cover from holding it too tight.]

---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---**---

[Angela is sitting on her front steps.]

Voice over: So maybe it had changed everything. I felt myself drowning in images of Brian. Brian yelling his confession. Brain closing his eyes and clutching that book and confessing his love for me. At that moment I forgot about Jordan Catalano, who I was supposed to meet in 30 minutes.

[Angela gets up and walks into the house. She bumps into Patty who is going out the door.]

Patty: Hey! Where'd you come from?
Angela: Brian's.
Patty: Oh?! We'll I'm off to meet you father and umm…Halle Lowenfald--to meet the investors.
Angela: Okay.

[The phone rings a few times. Angela then realizes that no one else is home to pick it up, so she runs to the phone.]

Angela: Hello?...Sharon?...Wait, what's going on? What about Rayanne?...I'll call Jordan.

[Angela hangs up the phone. Then picks up the phone and begins to dial Jordan's number. She looks as if she is about to cry.]

END EPISODE.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

MonnyUK2
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by MonnyUK2 » Feb 22nd 2008, 4:53 pm

Cami,
I rediscovered MSCL agagin about 7 months ago when I found this website. Since then the series has been re-released with special features. I am in the UK and well I can't get enough of the show and this website. I have read all the fanfictions and some of them are so good. I have had a go myself at writing a story and am currently writing the second. I also am a big Krakow fan. Episode 19 is just a big heartbreak everytime. As for you fanfiction then it is good do far. I would advise you to look at what everyone else has done and try and learn from them. It would have been great if Brian and Angela had kissed at the end of the episode, bloody Jordan Catalano.lol! I hope you have fun writing the rest of the story.

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Cami A.
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by Cami A. » Feb 22nd 2008, 9:50 pm

" It would have been great if Brian and Angela had kissed at the end of the episode, bloody Jordan Catalano.lol! I hope you have fun writing the rest of the story."
Haha, yeah I was waiting for them to kiss too. But I thought it was totally appropriate the way Jordan just kinda showed up and took her away, because it is exactly what would happen. I actually think that it was better that they didn't kiss. It would have ruined a perfectly structured intense moment. Somehow there would be too much of a release of tension if they had kissed.

Plus the world would just be too fair and too perfect. :)

Thanks so much for the feedback and tips!

Cami
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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oaksand
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by oaksand » Feb 23rd 2008, 4:57 pm

if the show had continued then perhaps a kiss could have been relevant but as an ending for the whole series ever then it is perfect, so many questions left hanging and everyone can have their own opinion on what should happen.

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ikilledkennyandjr
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by ikilledkennyandjr » Feb 24th 2008, 4:18 am

Though it may go against everything I believe, I, too, think a kiss at the end of the series would probably have been a bad idea. Of course, they could 've blown all our minds. But they already did, with Brian's confession, and the look on Angela's face. To me, her expression said everything a kiss would have, and it said it better. But to others it says something completely different. And that defines the perfection of this show.

Anyway, Miss Cami, on to your story. First of all, it's far too short for an episode--if you're going for realism, that is. But it shows promise. The detail of the fingernail marks on The Diary of Anne Frank is just perfect! I love that scene. How he doesn't say anything really amazing, but it's amazing to her. Because it's the truth. The bit of dialogue: "Um, sure. Let's go to my room," doesn't seem right to me. Brian should be very distressed at this point. He might lash out at her, tell her to leave.

I'm also not sure what to think of the kiss. There's no major buildup. Maybe that's the effect you were shooting for. In any case--and this is my personal opinion--it's way too soon for a kiss, unless it's handled very, very deftly.

Your story has bright points, but it's more a skeleton than anything. The Rayanne cliffhanger needs more buildup to work. Rickie is telling Angela--and us--that she might dive off the deep end. Instead, SHOW us this. Drop some subtle hints. Then that great cliffhanger will seem like it's been coming, but it will also surprise us.

Angela's voiceovers may be too long. Be careful not to reveal too much to us. Let me give an example: the famous last scene from the series. Angela is going through the most intense, amazing moment... and yet, no voiceovers. Imagine something like, "I realized then that Brian had loved me all along. And how was I supposed to feel? Did I love him back?" Well, that would have ruined the whole scene, wouldn't it? The writers are very careful with voiceovers. If a character is happy, he will smile. He won't say inside his head, "I am happy." SHOW us why and how he's happy, or if he has a voiceover, IMPLY how he feels (though sometimes it's okay if you're careful; there aren't like, official rules, or anything). Being careful is something so many of us need to keep in mind.

I'll say though, that in my humble opinion, your voiceovers here are better than many. So great job!

Anyway, those are just my thoughts, and I could be completely wrong. But I hope I helped in some way. :)
"You know, the karma in this house is like ridiculous. It's really low... or dark... whatever it is that happens to karma."

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Cami A.
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by Cami A. » Feb 24th 2008, 4:42 am

ikilledkennyandjr wrote: to me, her expression said everything a kiss would have, and it said it better. But to others it says something completely different. And that defines the perfection of this show.
I totally agree. That dreamy/shocked look she was giving him most definitely said it better than a kiss would have. Of course I felt totally sorry for poor Brian :(.

Also, I'd like to thank you for pointing out that Brian would probably turn her away. I guess I am a bit of an impatient writer. I get ahead of myself. The kiss itself was meant to be more in appreciation of Brian for telling her the truth finally. It isn't meant to be romantic--which I can see might be confusing with the following voice-over...

Thanks for the compliment on the voice overs--i spent the most time on them, but I will definitely consider shaving them a bit.
You are right--like Middle School english teachers say--SHOW dont TELL.

I will take all of your excellent advice to heart.
Thanks for posting a reply.

Cami
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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Cami A.
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Re: Feedback Please for New Ep. 20 FanFic Chapter

Post by Cami A. » Feb 26th 2008, 1:12 am

Ok So Here's Another Scene I'm thinking of adding to the episode:

[Sharon and Rayanne are standing in the girls restroom. Rayanne has her feet up on the sink and she is pulling up her socks which have fallen down around her ankles. Sharon is looking at her concerned because Rayanne has dark circles under her eyes and is having trouble balancing.]

Sharon: What happened to you?
Rayanne: Let's just say I happened to me.

[Rayanne stumbles and Sharon reaches out to help her upright herself.]

Rayanne: Watch it Cherski! Don't go thinking we are like best friend now or something, just because I don't have anyone else.
Sharon: You need to stop tearing yourself up over this. I mean really, even if Angela never forgives you, you will never be able to move on if you...
Rayanne: If I what?
Sharon: Nevermind. Why don't you come over after school. We can like...uh...hang out.

[Rayanne shrugs and struts out of the restroom.]

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

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