Heartbreak is no fun

If you want to share some events in your life or thoughts about life in general with other MSCL fans or if you just want post a rant to let some steam off - this is the place.
Forum Newbies: Please introduce yourself here!
User avatar
Kate and her Guitar
Nicky Driscoll
Posts: 23
Joined: Sep 24th 2004, 6:06 am
Location: UK

Heartbreak is no fun

Post by Kate and her Guitar » Nov 5th 2004, 8:09 pm

I don't mean to create a miserable thread, but I'm going through some serious heartbreak and I could do with a quick vent.

Last March I got offered a job over 100 miles from my parent's house where I was living. The day after, I went for a night out in Nottingham and met this amazing guy who was a friend of a friend. We hit it off straight away and a week later we were what you'd call a couple. 2 weeks later, I moved away but we both wanted to keep it going. For six months we spoke on the phone whenever we could and there were lots of trips north and south. Then because of his shifts and commitments it got to the point where we wouldn't even speak for 3/4 days and saw each other about every month. Then he started feeling guilty about not being able to talk enough and decided he couldn't cope with the distance.

Now I'm just heartbroken. I still miss him and think about him all the time and it's been 6 weeks since we broke up. We're still in touch as we both want to stay friends, but we met up once and nearly got back together again. I don't think we can really be friends, because I still love him. I keep beating myself up for letting it get to me so much. And I'm worried that he thinks I'm an annoying ex that won't leave him alone. I never thought I'd get into such a state over a bloke. I should get over him but I don't want to. The only time I've felt happy in the last 2 years is when we were together. I don't know anyone else like him. He's passionate about the same things as me and he makes me laugh and cheers me up. He's got a quirky sense of humour that I love and he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him.

I still keep thinking that if I moved back we'd get back together and everything would be better. We might get back together, but I would have to go through finding a job all over again and there isn't much work there. It wouldn't be a sensible thing to do. So why do I keep thinking about it?

*sigh* Vent over!

User avatar
SanDeE*
So-Called Addict
Posts: 989
Joined: Sep 24th 2002, 4:40 am

Post by SanDeE* » Nov 6th 2004, 1:35 pm

He sounds like a cool guy, but I'd say you have to cut off all communication with him for a while... however long feels right to you. It's sometimes the only thing that works.

I had a boyfriend in high school for about three years. He broke up with me, and I was really heartbroken, but we kept talking and he sorta still wanted me. The fact that we stayed in communication for a few months after the breakup just fueled my romantic feelings for him. I couldn't take it anymore after a couple months of that and I told him I couldn't talk to him for a while. I waited about a year before I talked to him again and I knew I was completely over him, and now when I see him it's cool, and we're like old high school friends. We're certainly not best friends or anything, in fact I don't even have his email address, but whenever I bump into him in my hometown (he still lives there) it's a very pleasant encounter.

So that's my advice. For a while, cut off all communication with him until you feel like you are over your romantic feelings. If it is meant to be a romance again someday or even just friendship then it will happen eventually. But for now you have to do what is best for you, and being lovesick over a guy that is miles and miles away won't help you make new friends, do your job, or live your life to the fullest in your new town.

Sorry to sound kinda harsh, but that's the only thing that has ever worked for me!
Um, in my room, one seam is a little off and I stare at it constantly. It's, like, destroying me.

~~Kristin~~

User avatar
Kate and her Guitar
Nicky Driscoll
Posts: 23
Joined: Sep 24th 2004, 6:06 am
Location: UK

Post by Kate and her Guitar » Nov 6th 2004, 2:42 pm

Hmm. The friend that we met through said to do the same thing. It's what I was trying to do at first but I was still getting paranoid about whether he was telling the truth about why we split up, so I spoke to him and he told me not to be silly and that helped.

Maybe I should try not to get in touch with him again. It's hard because I have stuff I want to ask him, so it might help to talk. But on the other hand, because I still have feelings for him, it's dangerous ground.

Thanks for the advice.

User avatar
lance
Ed Zwick Wannabe
Posts: 1983
Joined: Jul 6th 2002, 4:47 pm
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Contact:

Post by lance » Nov 7th 2004, 11:04 pm

Kate and her Guitar wrote:Hmm. The friend that we met through said to do the same thing. It's what I was trying to do at first but I was still getting paranoid about whether he was telling the truth about why we split up, so I spoke to him and he told me not to be silly and that helped.

Maybe I should try not to get in touch with him again. It's hard because I have stuff I want to ask him, so it might help to talk. But on the other hand, because I still have feelings for him, it's dangerous ground.

Thanks for the advice.
Kate I feel for your situation and wish you the best. The only thing I can think of at the moment is to remain open to possiblities. Things may work out.

-LanceMan

User avatar
SanDeE*
So-Called Addict
Posts: 989
Joined: Sep 24th 2002, 4:40 am

Post by SanDeE* » Nov 7th 2004, 11:57 pm

Kate and her Guitar wrote:I was still getting paranoid about whether he was telling the truth about why we split up, so I spoke to him and he told me not to be silly and that helped.


By posting this link I don't mean to imply that this particular guy doesn't have feelings for you, Kate and her Guitar, but I want to read it and I find the whole communication disconnect between men and women fascinating.

(url removed)

Check out the thread called "Guys" here in the Your So-Called Life forum too.
Last edited by SanDeE* on Nov 17th 2004, 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
Um, in my room, one seam is a little off and I stare at it constantly. It's, like, destroying me.

~~Kristin~~

User avatar
Nostradamus
Marshall Wannabe
Posts: 1213
Joined: Jun 29th 2002, 6:42 am
Location: No matter where you go, There you are.

Post by Nostradamus » Nov 8th 2004, 6:11 am

Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out


Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out


Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something."
Well I actually have failed to call women I was attracted to because I was shy. It is a common misconception that social anxiety doesn't extend to telephone conversations. A psychiatrist specializing in social anxiety was once a guest on a call-in radio talk show. He had hoped to field many calls from social-phobes, knowing that it is a common condition, but he was surprised to get none. Afterward he spoke of the show to one of his patients who promptly informed the doctor of his miscalculation: people with social anxiety dread making phone calls!

:idea:
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
-- Clarence Darrow

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain

User avatar
SanDeE*
So-Called Addict
Posts: 989
Joined: Sep 24th 2002, 4:40 am

Post by SanDeE* » Nov 8th 2004, 11:17 am

Nostradamus wrote:Well I actually have failed to call women I was attracted to because I was shy ... people with social anxiety dread making phone calls!
Are you shy or do you have social anxiety? Social anxiety is different from being shy. With social anxiety, you are totally fine most of the time, and you think you'll be fine in a big group situation, but then once you get into that big group situation, you freak out. You think people are judging you, you think you are acting stupid, you think no one wants to talk with you. And then, once you are out of that big group situation, you think What's the deal with me? No one was judging me! I don't know what I was thinking. I'll be fine at the next party/meeting/whatever. But the same thing happens again the next time. People with social anxiety think they'll be fine talking with new people, when shy people know they are not comfortable with big social situations. Shyness means you think people will judge you before you even leave your house, so you end up not going; and social anxiety means you don't think people will judge you, you think you're fine and normal, until you get into a social situation. They are sort of related, but not the same.

I know, social anxiety runs in my family. My brother's social life literally stopped from his 6th grade year to his 10th grade year because of it. My mom suffered with it all through her twenties, and still battles it somewhat today. A few of my mom's siblings have social anxiety, her father does, and also some of my cousins on that side.

Also, I'm not afraid of rejection. Sorry to be somewhat unsympathetic, but I think people just need thicker skin. What's the big deal with rejection? I'd rather have someone who does not feel a connection with me reject me upfront than string me along like they do like me when they really don't. Getting rejected doesn't mean that no one will ever like you, it just means that particular person didn't feel a click or connection with you. So what? People take it so hard and personally. I've certainly been rejected by men that I thought I really wanted to be with, but when they didn't want me it just made me realize I'm better off without them, because they would have been faking it if they did hook up with me. In any relationship I have, I want it to be genuine and honest. Not, I don't know how to get rid of her so I guess I'll date her for a while even though I don't like her at all. That sucks, and that has also happened to me.
Um, in my room, one seam is a little off and I stare at it constantly. It's, like, destroying me.

~~Kristin~~

User avatar
Kate and her Guitar
Nicky Driscoll
Posts: 23
Joined: Sep 24th 2004, 6:06 am
Location: UK

Post by Kate and her Guitar » Nov 8th 2004, 4:30 pm

Kristin wrote: By posting this link I don't mean to imply that this particular guy doesn't have feelings for you, Kate and her Guitar, but I want to read it and I find the whole communication disconnect between men and women fascinating.
Hey Kristin. The link didn't seem to work. Fascinating? Yes, and equally infuriating! The guy got back from Peru at 2.30am last night and decided that would be a good time to reply to my text message. Well, was nice to hear from him and he said he'd call today and tell me all about it. And did he? No. I didn't expect him to either. I wish he'd stop saying he would. I know he's working nights this week. I wish I knew what was going on with him! I don't want him to know how he gets me worked up though. :?

I realised it was 7 weeks ago we split up. 7 weeks! This is getting ridiculous!! I don't think he's shy or anything. I think he knows speaking to me will be hard and he has more fun things to do with his time. Which is fine, I just wish he'd stop messing with me! Grrr. What a major rant...

And I think social anxiety is more common than many people think...

User avatar
SanDeE*
So-Called Addict
Posts: 989
Joined: Sep 24th 2002, 4:40 am

Post by SanDeE* » Nov 8th 2004, 5:06 pm

Sorry about the link...

The book I'm talking about is He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. He was a writer on Sex and the City.
Kate and her Guitar wrote:he said he'd call today ... I wish he'd stop saying he would. ... he has more fun things to do with his time.
It's too bad that this guy can't just say, Hey, I'll call you when I get the chance instead of "I'll call you today." Then you're just sitting around all day waiting for a phone call when you have better/more fun things to do with your time too!
... I don't want him to know how he gets me worked up though. ... I just wish he'd stop messing with me!
I'm telling you, this is exactly why you need to stop communicating with him completely. The less you interact with him --> the less you will think about him --> the less you will get worked up --> the less you will be messed with --> the better off you'll be. I'm not saying that this guy is a jerk (I don't know him), and I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve to be your friend/lover someday, but for now you need to cut this guy out for a while. Just tell him you need some time before you can talk to him again. And if he still calls/text messages/emails after you tell him that, just don't respond. Sounds harsh, I know... but if he keeps trying to stay in contact after you tell him you need time off from him, he's invading your space and not respecting your attempt to get on with your life. If it is meant to be a friendship (or more), then it will happen someday. See, I'm optimistic!
... And I think social anxiety is more common than many people think...
I completely agree... most people thought for so long that someone with (the then unknown condition) "social anxiety" was just shy, when it really is a different thing. Social anxiety hasn't been well-known until maybe ten years ago or so. It is common: the last statistic I heard was somewhere around 14 million Americans suffer from social anxiety. I don't know... that number may be wrong by now.
Um, in my room, one seam is a little off and I stare at it constantly. It's, like, destroying me.

~~Kristin~~

User avatar
wicked
Catalano
Posts: 263
Joined: Sep 12th 2004, 11:37 pm
Location: Ontario
Contact:

Post by wicked » Nov 8th 2004, 7:11 pm

remember what you knew in kindergarten.

"Boys are yucky and to be avoided at all costs...
except when you chase them around the playground trying to kiss them."


sorry your having relationship trouble...try and find somethign else to obsess about for a while, chocolate is often good!
sorry if I sound flippant, I don't really mean it that way, I wish I had some great wisdom... but alas I know nothing that you haven't already been told by someone.

eventually it does get easier.
"So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wive's tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. HELL IS - OTHER PEOPLE!"

User avatar
Nothingman
Liberty High Graduate
Posts: 704
Joined: Feb 26th 2003, 3:39 pm
Location: Hockey Falls, USA
Contact:

Post by Nothingman » Nov 8th 2004, 7:26 pm

I'm willing to bet all the driving back and forth and long distance relationship stuff has given you the perfect excuse to not envolve yourself with a social scene in your new town. I think now is the time to do that, you need new people and prospects to think about instead of worrying about the old one.
"To come to your senses, you must first go out of your mind." - Alan Watts

Guest

Post by Guest » Nov 9th 2004, 7:29 pm

Good advice from all.

He did actually call me tonight and apologised for not calling when he said he would. Got the impression he called to check how I was and tell me about his holiday. Maybe it's not good, but I feel so much better now as there isn't any hard feelings between us and it's nice to know somone's looking out for me, even if we can't be normal friends.

Yes, I do need to focus more on my life here now. I'll need to make a decision on whether to stay here in February but in the meantime I need to give this place a chance. And I'll just accept the wierd kind of friendship thing that me and my ex have for what it is and not leave myself open to getting hurt. I think this is a good compromise between being cutting him off and being hard on myself and letting it get me upset. And it seems to suit him too.

Maybe everyone else is right, but at the moment this seems like the right thing.

User avatar
Kate and her Guitar
Nicky Driscoll
Posts: 23
Joined: Sep 24th 2004, 6:06 am
Location: UK

Post by Kate and her Guitar » Nov 15th 2004, 4:52 am

Not sure it's the right thing at all!

This weekend I went home and my ex had suggested that I look him up next time I'm back, so we said we'd meet up on Sunday. At the last minute his parents decided to stick around for an extra day's visit and we couldn't meet up. Not at all his fault, but it made me feel really low as I'd stupidly been looking forward to seeing him again. This ontop of hating my job and hating where I live, I just feel so depressed again now. I got back here last night and cried, and woke up tense and exhausted and cried all morning. I'm just a mess. Not all my ex but it doesn't help.

I went out with some people I'd never met before that my housemate knows last week, and I just felt numb and had no interest in socialising at all. There's just no-one round here that seems to be my kind of person. I know that sounds picky and snobby, but that's how it seems. Maybe if I wasn't so bored and lonely I wouldn't miss my ex so much. Not to mention my family and my old friends.

User avatar
emmie
Liberty High Graduate
Posts: 606
Joined: May 27th 1999, 10:34 pm
Location: NYC
Contact:

Post by emmie » Nov 15th 2004, 1:05 pm

I know that it is difficult to find people in a new city. when I first moved to Savannah for grad school, I couldn't find anyone to hang out with. I tried hanging out with co-workers, but they were really different from myself. and I tried to hang out with a friend of a friend, but that ended up awkward as well. I was really down too because I wondered if I had a made a mistake. and it's scary and frustrating to be in a city and not know where to go and having no one to go there with anyway. it took me about 6 months or so finally find where I fit. and now, I'm meeting people all the time through other people. and the bottom line is that I'm so glad that I stuck it out and stayed. because to be honest, I've sort of grown out of my old friends and comfort zone at home.

I know this may sound trivial, but for myself, distance really is the best for a broken heart. I've had a long term on again off again relationship with my best friend. the most difficult part was that we saw each other all the time. so it's not like I was just going to suddenly get over him. being around him constantly only made things more painful. there were a few times that I tried to cut him off completely, but I was never really strong enough to do that. but now that we are thousands of miles apart (he's moved to London) I have some perspective and really see our relationship for what it is. and consequently, from afar, he's just not as great as I once thought he was. and it really does help to start dating again. not seriously dating, but just to casually go out with some people. because even if it's horrible, at least it takes your mind off of things and you have a funny story later. the worst is to sit at home and do nothing. because then you have way too much time to dwell on the bad and feel sorry for yourself. that's a really difficult hole to get out of.

I hope things get better!

User avatar
lance
Ed Zwick Wannabe
Posts: 1983
Joined: Jul 6th 2002, 4:47 pm
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Contact:

Post by lance » Nov 17th 2004, 12:25 am

Nostradamus wrote:
Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out


Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out


Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something."
Well I actually have failed to call women I was attracted to because I was shy. It is a common misconception that social anxiety doesn't extend to telephone conversations. A psychiatrist specializing in social anxiety was once a guest on a call-in radio talk show. He had hoped to field many calls from social-phobes, knowing that it is a common condition, but he was surprised to get none. Afterward he spoke of the show to one of his patients who promptly informed the doctor of his miscalculation: people with social anxiety dread making phone calls!

:idea:
Funny story on this point.

Growing up, my brother's room faced out toward the setting sun. One could become so entranced by the setting sun and fading light that time would pass by very quickly, if one was not careful. We referred to this window as "Philosopher's Window."

My brother's friend Pete came over one time, back when they were in high school. For two hours my brother sat in his chair by Philosopher's window working on his homework while Pete paced back and forth,

"I don't know, should I ask her out or shouldn't I? I just don't know what to do?"

Gradually the sun began to set as Pete continued his deliberations until finally my brother looked up from his homework and said,

"What's her name, what's her phone number?" Pete told him, so my brother called her.

"Is this Debbie? Do you want to go out with Pete? No, thanks." -Click-

:shock:

My brother just resumed his homework and Pete just stood there with his mouth hanging open. With a wry grin on his face Pete looked at him and said, "Hey do you want to me to leave or something?" My brother just kept at his homework as the sun faded from view.

Wasn't necessarily the most kind thing in the world or the most tactful, but Pete got his answer.

-LanceMan

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests