"Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Discussion and questions about the FanFiction section of MSCL.com. You can also post excerpts of your unfinished stories here if you're looking for feedback or ideas.
Post Reply
User avatar
Cami A.
Catalano
Posts: 283
Joined: Feb 21st 2008, 5:36 am
Location: California, US

"Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by Cami A. » May 8th 2009, 3:58 am

I'm writing a new short fan fiction that takes place the summer after high school graduation for Angela and her friends. Rayanne is pregnant with Brian Krakow's baby, and the two are getting married. It's written in third person, and focuses on Rayanne's pregnancy and her awkward relationship with Krakow, but I hope to give ample attention to Angela, Rickie, and Sharon as well.

Read Here
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

User avatar
Brunkster
Let's Bolt Regular
Posts: 97
Joined: Mar 14th 2007, 4:44 am
Location: Maryland

Re: "Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by Brunkster » Jul 14th 2009, 1:42 pm

Nice start, Cami! The first installment is obviously short, but it goes a long way towards setting the scene and the tone of the piece. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. "He had even managed to harvest a thin, but distinguished mustache, which he wore with great pride." I'd change "harvest" to "cultivate" - I think you really meant the idea of cultivate (ie. grow) as opposed to harvest (ie. reap) anyway. I really like the whole imagery of it, though. It's just a subtle indication of time gone by that helps introduce the story. Very imaginative!

2. Speaking of Rickie, I think you nailed his character. ""You look beautiful," Rickie mused, as he took Rayanne's hand and spun her in a full circle, then stepped back to admire her." I loved the spinning part. . .it's so like Rickie! Also classic Rickie: "I'd always imagined aqua," agreed Rickie, smirking.

3. Does Markups Department store exist (in real life or in the series) or did you make that name up? What a terrible name for a store! If you made it up, consider changing it to "Markdowns". Who would shop at a store that blatantly advertises that they mark up their prices? If it is actually a real store, please consider writing to its CEO with my suggested change. :)

4. "Rayanne busied herself with a loose thread on the hem of her dress, then looked up quickly." Nice little touch. Attention to this little kind of detail helped make the show work so well and you've continued with that nicely.

5. The final lines:

"Patty took me to the doctor yesterday." Rayanne grinned.
Brian focused on the road, a smile peeking out from the corner of his lips.

I'm not sure why Brian would be smiling here after being so obviously nervous about Rayanne's pregnancy, although I'm sure it'll be explained in further installments! The only thing I can think of is that he is smiling at the reference to Angela's family and he really hasn't gotten over her yet. We'll see. . . :)

6. There are a couple of places where I think you have an extra comma or a misplaced comma. For example: Rickie had grown taller since sophomore year, and if possible, more gangly. He had even managed to harvest a thin, but distinguished mustache, which he wore with great pride.
I'd change it to: Rickie had grown taller since sophomore year and, if possible, more gangly. He had even managed to harvest (cultivate!) a thin, but distinguished, mustache which he wore with great pride.

There are little things that just clean up the clauses and helps the text to flow.

7. Overall, great job! There are so many questions to be answered by the subsequent installments that you're sure to keep people coming back. I'm looking forward to reading more!

User avatar
Cami A.
Catalano
Posts: 283
Joined: Feb 21st 2008, 5:36 am
Location: California, US

Re: "Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by Cami A. » Jul 15th 2009, 2:01 am

Brunkster,

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed "Gestation" so far. I forgot, had you been reading my first-person Rayanne narrative, "Between Names"? I'm not sure where I want to go with "Gestation" yet, but I do hope to continue and complete it at some point. I'll probably start writing again in September, as my summers are always packed!

I liked your grammar and diction corrections. I will definitely take those into account. And to answer a few questions: I made up the store name "Markups," it was supposed to be a funny... I enjoyed your reaction to it; I liked that you caught that detail! As for Brian's smile: he smiled because as nervous as he is about becoming a father, he was excited to hear that he was going to have a daughter soon. It was supposed to be a cute moment between Rayanne and him. As for residual feeling between Angela and Krakow, I've yet to decide if there are any, and of what magnitude...

There is actually a newer version, in which I edited it a bit and added a new scene. Read it HERE.

Can't wait to hear what you think of future installments!

Cam
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

User avatar
Cami A.
Catalano
Posts: 283
Joined: Feb 21st 2008, 5:36 am
Location: California, US

Re: "Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by Cami A. » Jul 15th 2009, 7:39 pm

Is there anything in particular you'd like to see happen with any of the characters in the setting I've establised? I'd love to entertain some of your ideas.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

User avatar
4alifetime
Liberty High Student
Posts: 115
Joined: Sep 25th 2007, 3:07 pm

Re: "Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by 4alifetime » Aug 5th 2009, 11:44 am

Cami, you are a writing machine, I can't keep up with you! What are in school for anyway?
There's so many different ways to be connected to people.
There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to,
even though there's not even a word for it.
There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in
this way that other people can't, because they've seen you
change...

they've let you change.

User avatar
Cami A.
Catalano
Posts: 283
Joined: Feb 21st 2008, 5:36 am
Location: California, US

Re: "Gestation": New Raynie & Ensemble Fanfic

Post by Cami A. » Aug 6th 2009, 12:33 am

I'm not sure I'm gonna finish this one. It's too much for me to handle.
I'm going to get my bachelors in Business Administration in 2010.
"So, the mouse makes pressure, just by breathing?...I can relate."

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest