Coming Out

If you want to share some events in your life or thoughts about life in general with other MSCL fans or if you just want post a rant to let some steam off - this is the place.
Forum Newbies: Please introduce yourself here!
Post Reply
Peter

Coming Out

Post by Peter » Jan 28th 2004, 9:35 am

Hi Guys,

I need some help with this one...i'm 23 and am in the throws of coming out. I've known that i'm gay since I was about 5 years old and have not always been comfortable with it.

None of my family know, but some very close friends and colleagues do.
Part of me is proud of my sexality, and the other feels laden with guilt and shame - because of the attitudes people have expressed to me since childhood.

Since graduating from University I have developed a career in writing. I've recently sold an article to a big magazine (with a gay slant) based in london (who i've been down to work for several times) and it's to be featured in a forthcoming issue with a picture of me and everything.
The thing is, quite alot of people I know are gay but aren't friends.....it would be quite a public coming out.

Do I run the risk of being outed in this way, or do I cancel my submission and miss out on this great chance to have a paid article printed. Alot of my gay & straight friends would be so proud but i'm scared.

Help please.... :?

User avatar
starbug
Lifehead
Posts: 1082
Joined: Jun 25th 2002, 4:51 am
Location: UK

Post by starbug » Jan 28th 2004, 10:47 am

I think you have to be a little more forthcoming here. What is it that really worries you about coming out?
Are you scared of your family's reaction?
If so, in the experience of others I have known come out, the family might have an initially bad reaction but they always come around. It's a long and hard road, but I don't know a single gay person who hasn't eventually been fully accepted by family, and both they and their family is happy that the truth is out. You will find that blood is pretty thick. these people have known you all your life and love you for who you are.

Which leads me to my second point. You mention that part of you is proud of your sexuality. I find this a funny way of putting it (I always have - it's not just you). You should be proud of who you are in your entirety. Your sexuality is a part of your personality, that's all. It's not something that you should ever feel ashamed of.

Having said that, I know of at least one family where the son came out, and chose completely the wrong timing and way of doing it. A family member was terminally ill and close to death and he chose then to hit a pretty homophobic family with this news. The family reacted badly, had a lot to deal with, and then in the end one of them had to say 'Look, OK, you're gay. We accept that. We don't need to hear about it endlessly.' The point I guess I'm trying to make is that it's important not to shove it down people's throats (not that I assume you would). If families are a bit weird about it it can sometimes make the situation worse. As a friend put it, 'it's not like you hear straight people running around shrieking 'I'm heterosexual!' from the rooftops'. I think you have to be a little sensitive to that.

So, if the timing's right, if you do it sensitively, I don't see a problem. I wouldn't lose the opportunity to get published. Is there a giant likelihood that the people you're concerned about will read this article? if not, just go ahead. If so, go ahead anyway and just come out to them privately beforehand so they don't feel like you couldn't tell them personally.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you... sorry if I'm off the mark; I don't want to preempt your circumstances but it's a little hard with not much to go on.

---------------------------------------------
http://www.urban-hills.blogspot.com
---------------------------------------------

User avatar
Dave Reed
Jody Barsh
Posts: 26
Joined: Dec 19th 2003, 9:24 pm
Location: Sacramento, CA
Contact:

Post by Dave Reed » Jan 28th 2004, 1:29 pm

Certainly don't kill your chance of being published. To me, if you do, you'd just be succumbing to the negative comments you've been fed with concerning homosexuality. Plus, you'd be derailing your passion, something that's not good whether you're heterosexual or homosexual.

I agree with Starbug that you could tell the people who you think would actually see the article. Generally, just because someone is published in a homosexually-aligned publication doesn't mean that person is a homosexual themselves. (PFLAG members, I'm sure, have been published in the past.) But don't use that to avoid the truth, since, again, that'd just cater to those who have spread the distaste that makes you hesitant to come out to begin with.

In a nutshell: let the article be published, tell those who you're the closest with using good judgement and timing, and let them be happy for your success!
"Where it's not just a way of life but a toxic adventure & 60's-style love-in"

User avatar
fnordboy
Ed Zwick Wannabe
Posts: 1954
Joined: Sep 25th 2002, 10:29 am
Location: Exit 16E, NJ
Contact:

Post by fnordboy » Jan 28th 2004, 2:02 pm

Let the article run. Do not let others dictate how you run your career or your life.

If you are worried about people finding out in this way, then it is time to come out to them. If someone was holding back information from me I would prefer to know from them then via an article or from someone else who saw the article. If they truly care about you they will be accepting. Of course they might not be accepting right off the bat, but you never know. And if they do not accept you then you do not need them in your life. There may be some factors that might make it difficult within your family (religion, etc), but this can be overcome. I know plenty of gay people, within my immediate and not-so distant family, and of course friends and each have had different experiences coming out. In the end though most (if not all) of the people they came out to have accepted it or it made no difference to them in the first place.

It is nothing to be ashamed of, so do not let others make you feel that way. If they do, F them, you do not need them. Family or not.

Good luck! And congratulations on your being published! :)

Debs
Liberty High Student
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 30th 2001, 8:44 pm
Location: Middlesbrough, UK

Post by Debs » Jan 28th 2004, 2:38 pm

I think it's all been said in the above replies.
Just BE you - that's all you can do.
Wishing you a wonderful writing career.

Enjoy it
Debs xx
Mom. Streamers?

User avatar
lance
Ed Zwick Wannabe
Posts: 1983
Joined: Jul 6th 2002, 4:47 pm
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Contact:

Re: Coming Out

Post by lance » Jan 30th 2004, 9:21 pm

Peter wrote:Hi Guys,

I need some help with this one...i'm 23 and am in the throws of coming out. I've known that i'm gay since I was about 5 years old and have not always been comfortable with it.

None of my family know, but some very close friends and colleagues do.
Part of me is proud of my sexality, and the other feels laden with guilt and shame - because of the attitudes people have expressed to me since childhood.

Since graduating from University I have developed a career in writing. I've recently sold an article to a big magazine (with a gay slant) based in london (who i've been down to work for several times) and it's to be featured in a forthcoming issue with a picture of me and everything.
The thing is, quite alot of people I know are gay but aren't friends.....it would be quite a public coming out.

Do I run the risk of being outed in this way, or do I cancel my submission and miss out on this great chance to have a paid article printed. Alot of my gay & straight friends would be so proud but i'm scared.

Help please.... :?
Hi Peter,

Thanks for sharing with us. I have been told that coming out can be quite difficult. Though my gay and lesbian friends tell me that often the fear of coming out is often not as harsh as they reality of coming out. Being true to yourself is of the upmost importance. If you can't be true to yourself, who can you be true to?

I am glad that some of your friends and colleagues know. It is important to have allies. I agree with others here, let the article run. Its your work, you should be proud. Whether you want to prepare the way first by telling your family ahead of time to lessen the shock.... Sometimes parents grumble when they are the last to learn about major life events that happening with their children. So a cautionary thought here.

Also one other random observation, may not apply in your case, every case is different, everyone is different. I have heard that often it is the parent of the child coming out of the same gender, that has the hardest adjustment to make. Again may not apply in your case. When my lesbian friend came out she said that her mom had the hardest time adjusting while her dad pretty much took it in stride. If you have any gay friends you may want to ask them for their insight and experiences.

Best of luck I hope everything goes well.

-LanceMan

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 10 guests