Posted: Oct 15th 2004, 4:17 pm
First, starbug’s friend. I see two things that are hindering her ability to find a relationship, and they are kind of connected. First, Mr. S was right that she appears desperate and lacking self esteem. The other is she’s sending the wrong messages. Playing the role of the party girl tells us that you’re out to hook up for a good time, so that’s what we do. If I’m a guy who’s just looking to get laid, then she’s an ideal candidate. She’s got the party girl vibe going so she probably knows what’s going on and is ok with it. Also, I’m also going to be successful tonight, or not at all, so I won’t have to go on several dates for her to decide if she likes me or not. Then add in the low self esteem and I’m home free. As a guy, I am looking for a woman with low self esteem so that I may prey on that so that she’ll even have sex with me. These are the messages she’s giving off, so those are the guys she’s attracting.
Her first priority should be to work on her, to improve her self image. If you’re not happy with you, and value yourself, why am I going to? I’m not sure how to combat the desperation vibe for women. With men, you get them laid, often with someone who’s not all that attractive, just so they don’t come across as needy. But since women’s primary goal is a relationship, I’m not sure how you’d go about satisfying that need so they can look for someone objectively. My best guess is if she had multiple plates spinning, meaning not concentrating all her efforts on one guy, she wouldn’t overload her current infatuation. This would also demonstrate to other guys that she is in demand, there by making her more attractive. In addition, by having guys compete for her, she’d feel that she has value and help her self confidence. This would create a new cycle that feeds on itself that should break the old one.
Most guys don’t like needy women; we want a little bit of a challenge so that we can feel like we caught something special. Needy in terms of sex is great, needy in terms of calling us all the time; wanting our presence and our attention constantly is what we object to. We want to know that you have your own life too, that you are there when we need for companionship and to enjoy your company, but if we leave you alone your not sitting in you apartment waiting for us to call. I’d suggest she needs to adopt the attitude that she’s had her fun and that she’d like to settle down with someone but she’s not out there trying to make every relationship into “the relationship” and until that person comes along, she’ll take care of any needs she may have and have confidence it will happen. She’s going to keep having problems if she keeps jumping into every relationship that has potential. We want to think that the relationship thing is our idea, that we are lucky to lock you in. The tough part is we move much slower than you’d like us too, as soon as you pressure us into it we want to run.
Her first priority should be to work on her, to improve her self image. If you’re not happy with you, and value yourself, why am I going to? I’m not sure how to combat the desperation vibe for women. With men, you get them laid, often with someone who’s not all that attractive, just so they don’t come across as needy. But since women’s primary goal is a relationship, I’m not sure how you’d go about satisfying that need so they can look for someone objectively. My best guess is if she had multiple plates spinning, meaning not concentrating all her efforts on one guy, she wouldn’t overload her current infatuation. This would also demonstrate to other guys that she is in demand, there by making her more attractive. In addition, by having guys compete for her, she’d feel that she has value and help her self confidence. This would create a new cycle that feeds on itself that should break the old one.
Most guys don’t like needy women; we want a little bit of a challenge so that we can feel like we caught something special. Needy in terms of sex is great, needy in terms of calling us all the time; wanting our presence and our attention constantly is what we object to. We want to know that you have your own life too, that you are there when we need for companionship and to enjoy your company, but if we leave you alone your not sitting in you apartment waiting for us to call. I’d suggest she needs to adopt the attitude that she’s had her fun and that she’d like to settle down with someone but she’s not out there trying to make every relationship into “the relationship” and until that person comes along, she’ll take care of any needs she may have and have confidence it will happen. She’s going to keep having problems if she keeps jumping into every relationship that has potential. We want to think that the relationship thing is our idea, that we are lucky to lock you in. The tough part is we move much slower than you’d like us too, as soon as you pressure us into it we want to run.
Keep in mind that what I was outlining was in regard to dating, not long term relationships. There is hope yet.starbug wrote:It's all so soul-destroying because she really does deserve happiness... and the men/women relationship incompatibility so startlingly outlined by Nothingman basically prevents that from happening.
In (a) we get sex and emotional intimacy, in (b) we just get sex. In both cases we are happy, but those aren’t the only possibilities. This raises a great point. Men don’t have to have sex to become emotionally involved, because we can separate the two we simply try to have it occur in that order. Let us turn the tables for a moment. Whenever we have a crush on someone we let emotional intimacy come first. So man has crush on women, and develops feelings for her. Woman likes attention, strings man along for more attention, or money or whatever she’s after. Man wants to have sex with women, women has no interest in sex, just attention. Man leaves frustrated feeling used. Woman is happy and moves on to next man who will give her attention. This is why men want sex first, so we don’t get ourselves into this position. Men run the risk of being used for money and attention and women run the risk of being used for sex, there by setting up the whole nature of the game.starbug wrote:They sleep together. Man either decides a) sex was fab - more please, and actually you're quite lovely. or b) sex was awful, and you're OK but not nice enough for me to bother.
option a) results in relationship. woman happy, man happy.
option b) results in dumpster. man happy, woman feels used.
But on this hypothesis, it simply isn't possible for the man to be unhappy. Discuss.