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The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track 2, the 'You Drive Me' of Crazy. People have accused my reviews of being generated by a computer. Well, of course they are. You think anyone in their right mind would listen to Britney Spears all day? I'm all digital baby. From the Bottom of My Broken Heart sounds more like a distressed monkey Britney Spears has shut in a small cardboard box than it really should.

I've heard better things than track three, Go Your Own Way at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent, motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling. It is difficult to stop yourself from throwing a brick at your CD player when tosh like Hold Me comes out of it on a regular basis. Track 5, Everywhere is about as hip as my mother's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you.

The chorus of track seven, You Make Loving Fun will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like the sickening crunch of fist into nose experienced nightly outside most nightclubs. Dreams is beyond belief. It sounds like a boil on backside of 'Ben'. The lyrics of track eleven, Tusk would make better sense written on a urinal wall - at least you could piss on them.

In fact, this should've been put down years ago.

What do I think about Siamese Dream by Smashing Pumpkins? I'll tell you what I think...

The chorus of the opening track, Cherub Rock will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like my dentist's favourite drill bits being plunged into the living tooth-pulp over and over again while he hums the birdie song gently to himself. Like an exploding zit gently squirting sebum into your brain, track 2, Quiet is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick fucks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois. Rocket is simply terrible. That's it, no further explanation needed.

To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the s*** you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take Luna for example - if I'd wanted a recording of the little ticking noise that maggots make as they feed I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of its misery. Please. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track fourteen, Pissant.

In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.