Reaction to Spike TV:
No, no and no. That's our response to Spike TV. First, the name is just plain stupid. Like, "You're fired" stupid. Like, "I am a complete hack and I've come up with this name" stupid. The channel used to be -- let's get in the Wayback Machine -- the Nashville Network. Yep, good ol' TNN. Then MTV bought TNN and said, "Hmm, we've already got a country music channel. So let's turn TNN into the National Network."
No, they didn't fire that person. We think she's still there.
Anyway, with absolutely no direction to speak of and yet millions of built- in subscribers, MTV essentially hit the snooze button and went back to work on "Cribs" and stuff. Then, someone said, "Hey, this channel. Maybe we should put some content on there." And so they ran the "Godfather" trilogy a bunch of times. Like every week. Recently -- suspiciously timed to our "work stoppage" - - MTV renamed TNN as Spike TV, dedicated to men.
To which we say: Um, don't men have all the other channels?
As it turns out, no. And also "no" apparently was the response given to some low-level MTV Network type who said, Hey, shouldn't we assume that both sexes might watch a channel? From that, sprang (sprung?, sproing!) Spike TV. Might we suggest some programming? Like, an hour's worth of two guys just punching each other on the arm and farting.
-- "The Bachelor." Whatever. Bored with it. We are overcome by a wave of revulsion. Look for the reruns on Spike TV.
-- Back when Dean Valentine ran UPN, and, Lord, we do miss him, he almost green-lighted a show called "I Spike," about female volleyball players who were actually undercover agents. To our mind: genius. This was when UPN, which floundered around for an identity, decided to become a channel mostly devoted to young men. Yes, Spock, that's a trend you're witnessing. Anyway, "I Spike" had a built-in excuse for bathing suits. But, of course, after "The Man Show" had women jumping up and down on a trampoline as the credits rolled, thereby stealing the genius, there really was no need for "I Spike," and it never got made.
Valentine also wanted to make a show that was nonstop action outtakes of kung-fu fighting, culled from a B-movie library in Hong Kong. It would have been hosted by a lovely Asian woman, and the only commercials would have been beer commercials. Now, maybe it's just a red-blooded guy thing, but other than the fact that it should have been two Asian women hosting and they would have been lesbians, that was an idea that, let's be honest here, really cornered the market on genius, a word -- before this very idea -- that was tossed around willy-nilly.
Unfortunately, Valentine was eventually purged. UPN bought "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and gave up on boys.
There's a lesson in there somewhere for Spike TV.
It does not take a thump to the head to figure out that Spike TV is unnecessary and duplicative. Let's see, what do guys like to watch? Hmm. Sports? ESPN and Fox Sports, etc., etc., etc. Um, porn? Spice Channel. Cartoons? Cartoon Network. Music? MTV. Music with sexy, barely clothed women gyrating in hypnotic fashion? BET. Military stuff galore? History Channel. You get the point. Men have shows about chopping up buses and making them boats. They have the Golf Channel (as do women) and the new Tennis Channel (ditto). You name it, the content is out there. Not so mysterioso, the same holds true for women.
So, spike Spike TV. Let the cats have Oxygen. Neither of the sexes truly needs an entire TV channel dedicated to it, given the choices. But if you want your Spike TV, take your lad mags and your "Girls Gone Wild" videos and go for it, Hoss.