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I read somewhere in a post that she does. Is this true? If so, where can I find a reference to it in the show?

In the episode On the Wagon, she freaks out during her debut with Jordan's band at Vertigo and runs off stage. She later redeems herself by singing Sesame Street in front of everyone when they are waiting in line to see Giant, as well as in Betrayal when she auditions for Our Town and is cast in the lead role.

Rayanne never comes out and says she has stage fright. In fact, she says that she is a "total exhibitionist"; however, her performance (or lack thereof) at Vertigo says otherwise. Afterwards, she tells Rickie, "I'm not okay, and you know it. Now everybody knows it. And you all thought I would screw up, didn't you? Well, congratulations! You were right!" Her outburst indicates that she did have a fear of failing, but as far as I recall, she never verbalized it previously, most likely because such an admission would not fit with the image she has constructed for herself.

This is quite an interesting topic; I've often wondered what Rayanne's performance in Our Town would have been like. Would she have got over her stagefright?

She was fine (impressive, really) in rehersals... but then she was fine in rehersals for the Vertigo gig, and it all went horribly wrong. Has Rayanne grown enough in character to pull off a great performance in Our Town, or is the stage fright something she wouldn't ever grow out of?

I see Rayanne's stage fright as a measure of her fundamental insecurity. I can't imagine that after the ending of her friendship with Angela, she'd be feeling any more secure, so I feel it's likely she would have had problems with Our Town, and while she may not have freaked out, perhaps her performance wouldn't have been as wonderful as she is capable of, as demonstrated in rehersals.

Additionally, it's difficult to tell how good she really would have been because the one scene that actually deals with Our Town has all that emotion running underneath it owing to the difficulties Rayanne and Angela are having in their relationship.

I think people in general are initially afraid of doing things in public. With some effort and a desire to overcome fear, some people are able to excel. I went through the same thing when I took an acting class in college. I was very tentative, shy, and afraid at the beginning. When the end came, I was one of the best actors in class. Rayanne reminds me of myself in this regard.

starbug wrote:... but then she was fine in rehearsals for the Vertigo gig, and it all went horribly wrong.

Do you think she was fine in the Between Names rehearsals? She kept missing her cues and then her mic didn't work, and because when she was ready to sing the guys would stop playing, I don't think she ever sang a song all the way through with them.

Rayanne:We're not ready. ... We need a real rehearsal.

There were other moments in "On the Wagon" that indicated that Rayanne might be uncomfortable with performing: 1. Amber notices how cold Rayanne's hands are; 2. Rayanne kind of flips out at Angela's -- which she passes off as a joke at Angela's expense, but could be read as Rayanne momentarily revealing her vulnerability. The fact that she did so by playing off of her sense that Angela fears that Rayanne will start drinking again confirms Rayanne’s feeling that people doubt her, that she is alone, and that she might indeed fail. In fact, feigning to freak out might be exactly what lead to her actual panic attack. I mean that the distance she and Angela had been feeling since the overdose materialized in the sense that Rayanne felt that she had actual proof that Angela and Rickie are apprehensive that she will mess up like that again. Possibly Rayanne’s own fears factored into her panic as well (we see Rayanne not dealing with it by trying to pretend that it didn’t happen: “what incident?” “Take it, I don’t need it” “You know, that girl never said thank you” etc…) -- In a way, Rayanne's failure that night at Vertigo was a self (and peer)-fulfilled prophecy.

While I do think that Rayanne Graff probably has underlying insecurities throughout the entire series, I think that probably her show at the Vertigo might have gone differently under different circumstances:
a) if she wasn’t feeling this distance between herself and Rickie and Angela b/c of her overdose

Rayanne: I can't stand these looks anymore. … You and Rickie looking at me like I'm gonna lose control, like any minute I'm gonna go on some jag or something. I just can't stand knowing what you're thinking about me. … I'm messed up. That I'm too messed up for you to be my friend anymore.
Angela:: Rayanne, that's not true. I never-- I'm still your friend. Nothing's changed.
AngelaVO: But that wasn't completely true either. And we both, like, knew it.

b) if Angela wasn’t avoiding her and, in a way, replacing her with Jordan,

Rayanne: So, Angelika, what's the deal? Do I ever get to see you again? … Angela invites me over today, and when I get there, she's nowhere to be found.

c) if Angela had shown up,

Angela:… I promised Rayanne I would ask if I could go, but I - I don't even really want to go, it's something between Rayanne and me, I - I can't even describe, but it's there, and it's been there for, like, a while, since that night when you had to drive her to the hospital. It's this thing that we never talk about.

Rayanne: You didn't miss much, just me making a fool out of myself, and you've seen that plenty. Right? Anyway, I knew you wouldn't show.

and d) if Rayanne wasn’t only let into the band because of what she had to offer the remaining Embryos (sexually)

Jordan: Now she's, like, coming on to my drummer … What does she want?

Jordan: She's in. … She's in the band. … It wasn’t my idea. It was his. [Rayanne and Drummer are making out in the hallway nearby]
Rayanne: Angelika, I'm in! I'm an Embryo! Or whatever you wanna call it.
Drummer: Hey, Rayanne! … Hey, Rayanne, you comin'?

I guess that seems like a pretty delicate balance, that anything going wrong in Rayanne’s extended life might derail her self-confidence, but I do think that she doesn’t ordinarily, or at least always, suffer from stage fright. After all, she wasn’t afraid to perform for the Our Town audition, maybe a little afraid of rejection, but not scared.

starbug wrote:Additionally, it's difficult to tell how good she really would have been because the one scene that actually deals with Our Town has all that emotion running underneath it owing to the difficulties Rayanne and Angela are having in their relationship.

This is a totally great question and one that I have never thought of before … True, the reason her performance in that last scene was so effective was that she wasn’t acting, she was in fact experiencing those emotions, but then there is no reason why she can’t conjure up and recapture that emotion every time she performs – whether or not Angela is there reading the lines with her, Rayanne knows how this feels… Also, I think her audition was good; I think you can see it in Katimpsky’s face that she is far better than the others he’d seen – she dropped that bag and she became Emily.

starbug wrote:Has Rayanne grown enough in character to pull off a great performance in Our Town … I can't imagine that after the ending of her friendship with Angela, she'd be feeling any more secure …

Great point. Rayanne clearly has a faulty support system at this point – she no longer has Angela, Rickie is her friend, but somewhat distant, she’s lashing out at people like Brian, Angela has forgiven Jordan and not her, etc… But. on the other hand, she now counts Sharon as a friend, she probably is making friends with the other actors, and although in “Betrayal” through the end of the series Rayanne has actually lost Angela as a friend rather than anticipating/fearing it, things still seem all around less volatile than they did in “On the Wagon.” Rayanne is not the happiest person when MSCL ended, but she does seem a little more resolute, and in that view, probably capable of delivering a sound performance.

Jody Barsch* wrote:Do you think she was fine in the Between Names rehearsals? She kept missing her cues and then her mic didn't work, and because when she was ready to sing the guys would stop playing, I don't think she ever sang a song all the way through with them.

Rayanne:We're not ready. ... We need a real rehearsal.

I see what you're saying; but I never attributed that to her stage-fright; that didn't seem to be a factor in the Between Names rehersals. I put the failure of the rehersals down to a collective screw-up between the band members. Yes, she missed a cue, but that's what rehersals are for. I didn't see stagefright as a factor. That's what I meant when I said she was 'fine'.

JodyBarsch* wrote:In a way, Rayanne's failure that night at Vertigo was a self (and peer)-fulfilled prophecy.

Indeed. I felt throughout the episode that Rickie and Angela rather short-changed Rayanne here. She needed them to both take an interest, but Angela was absent. She didn't see that Rayanne needed her, and Rayanne interpreted that as 'they think I'm going to fail' and so almost talks herself into failing. I didn't like Angela very much during this episode at all. If she'd been there, maybe Rayanne would have been buoyed up and not suffered such a stage-fright.

JodyBarsch* wrote: I guess that seems like a pretty delicate balance, that anything going wrong in Rayanne’s extended life might derail her self-confidence, but I do think that she doesn’t ordinarily, or at least always, suffer from stage fright. After all, she wasn’t afraid to perform for the Our Town audition, maybe a little afraid of rejection, but not scared.

That's true; she wasn't scared. But the difference is that she and Angela are getting on better then. If you look at their relationship, Angela is there, boosting Rayanne's confidence: 'Rayanne, acting is like lying, and who's a better liar than you?'. Rayanne is hesitant to go on stage, emphasizing how good Abyssinia is, and is persuaded by Angela's presence and interest. I truly think that accounts for the difference.

JodyBarsch* wrote: ...on the other hand, she now counts Sharon as a friend, she probably is making friends with the other actors...things still seem all around less volatile than they did in “On the Wagon.” Rayanne is not the happiest person when MSCL ended, but she does seem a little more resolute, and in that view, probably capable of delivering a sound performance.

I agree that the end of the series represents an upward slope for Rayanne. She's been rejected by the person who matters most to her (except maybe Amber or Rickie) and has handled it. No doubt this will make her stronger. However, I still can't help but feel that for all the bluster, Rayanne still lacks the foundation of the approval she desperately seeks from Angela. I definitely feel that the ups and downs of her stage performances in the band and in Our Town reflect her insecurities, which are to a high degree in turn dependent on the status of her relationship with Angela.

Good discussion! I'd been meaning to reply to this post for a while but work was a bit mad.

Okay, so I've been thinking about this topic, partly b/c of that ff that has Rickie talking to Katimsky concerned about Rayanne's performance, and my sugeestion that maybe Rayanne could do the scene herself ...

How likely do we think it might be that Rayanne, after all the mistakes she has made this year (the OD, freezing with Between Names, alienating Angela), might feel the need to prove herself? Might Rayanne think, "look, this is an opportunity for me to succeed and for people to see me in another light" (remeber she was feeling pretty desolate over feeling she did not have any friends), an opportunity to prove to Angela that she can curb her self-destructive ways and follow through on something -- be reliable. If Rayanne's performance and self-confidence truly do depend on her freinds' support as we have discussed here, and that support is not very present, might Rayanne seek out someone like Katimsky or Ms. Krizinowsky for support? Does she have enough perspective at this point to seek help when she needs it? Has destroying her friendship brought her to the point where she no longer wants to jeopardise the things in her life, or is she still in the mind frame of "AA propaganda" "sensitive wears thin" and in dening that she needs a support system?

How likely do we think it might be that Rayanne, after all the mistakes she has made this year (the OD, freezing with Between Names, alienating Angela), might feel the need to prove herself?

Rayanne has a constant need to prove herself, to others as well as herself. Hooking up with guys proves to herself and the other students that she is attractive and desirable. Dressing differently proves to herself and her classmates that she can attract attention. Drinking and doing drugs proves that she can hang with the big kids and handle it. At the end of On the Wagon when Rayanne sings Sesame Street in front of the crowd, she proves to herself (and Rickie and Angela) that she is capable of performing in front of a crowd without choking - she is redeeming herself after her disastrous appearance at Vertigo. Rayanne is constantly trying to prove herself and get attention, but underneath that brash exterior is an insecure girl with low self-esteem who wants to believe that she is special, pretty, loved, and worthy.

That need to prove herself is a strong motivation, especially at the end when she feels alone and friendless. That sense of abandonment, which crippled her at Vertigo, will help her in Our Town IMHO. I don't think she will turn to Ms. K or even Mr. Katimski. If anything, I believe she will turn to Sharon for support, as well as Amber.

candygirl wrote: underneath that brash exterior is an insecure girl with low self-esteem who wants to believe that she is special, pretty, loved, and worthy.

Completely agree here. I know a couple of people like this; one I had to stop being friends with after she double-crossed me one too many times. I'm a firm believer that a need to prove oneself stems from insecurity, and I definitely feel this in Rayanne's case too.

candygirl wrote:. If anything, I believe she will turn to Sharon for support, as well as Amber.

This raises an interesting point. I have wondered how the Sharon/Rayanne dynamic would progress, and I haven't reached any definite conclusions. I can't help thinking that Rayanne might turn to Sharon for support, but I don't think she would ever view Sharon in the same pedestal-like fashion she views Angela. I think much of the Sharon/Rayanne dynamic may be dependent on whether Angela forgives Rayanne. Who knows - maybe Sharon could influence Angela's opinion on that, so Rayanne would want to stay close to Sharon in order to get closer to Angela again.

As for Amber, I can see Rayanne turning to her for support, but finding it lacking once again. Has Amber really learned anything throughout the series, about how to support Rayanne? I can't think of evidence of it, and so on that score I can't help but fear the cycle will continue.

jody barsch* wrote:Does she have enough perspective at this point to seek help when she needs it? Has destroying her friendship brought her to the point where she no longer wants to jeopardise the things in her life, or is she still in the mind frame of "AA propaganda" "sensitive wears thin" and in dening that she needs a support system?

I would like to think that Rayanne would seek help. She's seen other people recognise their difficulties and seek help; Rickie going to Mr. Katimski, for example, and Angela getting help from Patty when Rayanne OD'd, Sharon seeking support when her dad had the heart attack (from Rayanne herself, who offered support in her own way). Perhaps she could see from that observation, that where you do approach people for support, resolution comes more quickly and easily than if you deny you have a problem that you need help with. On the other hand, denial is a strong force.

Candygirl Wrote:
Her outburst indicates that she did have a fear of failing, but as far as I recall, she never verbalized it previously, most likely because such an admission would not fit with the image she has constructed for herself.

And

candygirl wrote:
underneath that brash exterior is an insecure girl with low self-esteem who wants to believe that she is special, pretty, loved, and worthy.

I don’t think either of these statements are completely true. Here's my two cents: It seems like you are saying that Rayanne is driven to act brash, prvocative, and promiscuous to cover up this very insecure person. I don’t think it’s her insecurities that drive her to do the things she does. She is this way because it’s her personality. Like all people she has insecurities but they do not rule her life. She is afraid of her insecurities. So when they come up, she makes a joke or makes fun of someone to defend herself. (like in On the Wagon she pretends to freak out and pours that drink in front of Angela and then passes it off as a joke. In the Pilot, she laughs at Angela’s “your so beautiful it hurts to look at you” because it’s such a sensitive statement.)

As far as my fanfic goes, I have some ideas but I’m still not sure how it’s going to turn out. I’m ,not sure if I’m going to put that part with Rickie and Mr. K talking in, because I don’t know if it flows well with the characters problems. It seems that sometimes I give my characters too much to do and think and it ruins the flow of the story.

Here are some of the ideas that I had: Angela wrestles with her desire to be friends with Rayanne and to stay angry with her; Rickie is worried about Rayanne messing up in the play and Rayanne wows him and does a great job; Sharon is supportive of Rayanne; Rayanne gets support from Mr. and Mrs. K

Amika wrote:It seems like you are saying that Rayanne is driven to act brash, prvocative, and promiscuous to cover up this very insecure person.

Yes, that is what I am saying. People's insecurities play a huge factor in their behavior, although people manifest these insecurities differently. Rayanne does these things because she wants attention, and many of these actions are deliberate, calculated behaviors rather than natural reactions. I doubt that she is aware of her subconscious motivation, but she knows she is choosing to do certain things. For example, hooking up with guys in broom closets and the orchestra pit - she is validating her self-worth through her sexuality. Maybe it's all the psych classes rearing their ugly heads but I see most of what Rayanne does as cries for attention, which is classic low self-esteem behavior.

Nice Clueless reference Candygirl. I agree that, for the most part, Rayanne's behavior stems from her need for some kind of approval or attention. It would be easier to argue against that way of thinking if there were not all these moments scattered throughout the series giving us glimpses of Rayanne's deeper desires. For eaxample, her interest in Sharon's relationship with Kyle in "WJCR", her conversation with Danielle in "Weekend", her need for Angela's attention in "Wagon", the way she rubs her cheek against Jordan's hand in "Betrayal" etc...

Ranie also seems to have a "risk-taking" personality. The other night I saw one of those science channel flicks about the brain; people who take big risks early on in life develop a tolerance for the neurochemicals that reward such behavior with pleasure, hence the need for ever greater risks to recapture the "high". Like risk-aversion, it can be either a positive or negative trait: she might become a fun-loving free spirit or she might get up to her eyeballs in trouble, depending on how she channels the adventurous urges.

Thank you for posting everyone! This thread has really helped me out!